Thank you for giving me the space to let rip.
Married 20 years
Known each other 23 years.
4 kids.
Both v busy professional jobs with long/antisocial hours.
H is moving out next week.
I found out about a 4 year (4 fucking years!) on/off affair over 2 years ago.
Felt punched in the gut, lost 3 stones (they are still off, so something good came of it 
) and we decided to have couple counselling.
We did - the best part of a year, every week.
2 weeks ago he states he has found somebody who 'means more' (different OW). I have no idea - there could be more.
He is on a 'quest for happiness'.
That is it for me.
He broke us 6+ years ago even if I only found out 2+ years ago.
I can never trust him to be my friend, to have my back, to by on my side unconditionally ever again.
I am gutted.
I am relieved.
I am fucking angry.
I am happy that I can be more self-determined again once the dust has settled.
I am livid on behalf of the children!!
I think he is making a huge mistake and has not thought this through.
He is citing lack of sex and affection - which is true.
It's kinda hard for a vagina to not shrivel up and clench when there's hardly any conversation, no connection, no shared interests - we lived like polite housemate while I was waiting for 10 years for him to become available to me again.
I know I am going to be fine, I am v lucky to be financially ok and to have supportive family + a secure job.
But, OMG.
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Divorce/separation
Rant alert - I just need to decompress
PerfectlyDone · 19/10/2017 16:34
OP. You sound awesome. It's his loss and one day he'll realise it. But for now, have a hug and 
your wayThank you, all 
The kids were off school last week, I was working, so he had them.
They boys inform me that OW, her daughter and their puppy was away at our caravan with them.
When we swapped over, I noticed my toiletries had been moved out of sight - I can see how having physical evidence of The Wife there is a bit embarrassing and must cramp his style...
Not a word from him.
I saw an older man with what I presume were his grandchildren coming out of the local ice cream shop this afternoon and it really struck me: I have no idea how much of a role he might have in any potential future grandchildren because clearly he is moving on.
It's like I have never known him. Weird.
Great rant! So many annoying things about these stupid man-child men. KOKO 
I went to a Parenting Apart workshop today - was v informative, but no massive surprises.
Main take home message for me: "Respond, don't react" and "Whose needs are being met here?".
I can be guilty of getting emotive, so not reacting and considering a response is going to be important. And not trying to score points if it is to the detriment of the children, I can see just HOW important that is.
So, £500+ have been spent in the last month on presents for the OW, paid by his debit card from our joint account.
And he is looking at hotel rooms for 2 in Switzerland for December when he is attending a conference there. I don't know who is taking, but it sure is not me.
Ah, well.
I'm sorting through my v neglected paper work in preparation to my meeting with a lawyer and life goes on.
Empty the joint account and dat you're buying yourself gifts in lieu of him.
Separate finances completely and get a night booked in he diary to go out, dress up and feel like a rockstar 
So, I've got joint bank account statements and my own financial stuff together ahead of my lawyer appointment next week.
But how do get details about his pension/income? 
Do I need this for initial advice??
He seems to want to be a twat
Honestly, I am living a fucking cliché - the man I've lived with for over 20 years is a stranger, a hostile stranger. V odd.
Wages are easy, there is some additional self-employed income that is harder to be sure of.
Pension? No idea.
We are meeting to talk tomorrow. Goody
Things are increasingly weird.
We are doing the shared parenting by taking turns in living in a rented flat nearby, but he seems to think that when he is 'on' I still provide the childcare when it suits him, including to allow him nights out with the OW. And when I am 'on', he shows up here when it is convenient to him.
Now, while I do not wish to restrict his access to our kids, I want a. more predictability, b. advance notice when he comes, c. the freedom to make plans when I am not 'on'.
And apparently all that makes me totally unreasonable.
I have seen a lawyer which has helped me understand what my position is, but really it seems that a financial separation is only possible with his co-operation and he is just Not. Doing. Anything.
I'd have thought he would be keen to progress things and move it along, but apparently not.
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