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Rant alert - I just need to decompress

(19 Posts)
PerfectlyDone Thu 19-Oct-17 16:34:17

Thank you for giving me the space to let rip.

Married 20 years
Known each other 23 years.
4 kids.
Both v busy professional jobs with long/antisocial hours.

H is moving out next week.
I found out about a 4 year (4 fucking years!) on/off affair over 2 years ago.
Felt punched in the gut, lost 3 stones (they are still off, so something good came of it hmm) and we decided to have couple counselling.
We did - the best part of a year, every week.
2 weeks ago he states he has found somebody who 'means more' (different OW). I have no idea - there could be more.
He is on a 'quest for happiness'. <snarf>

That is it for me.
He broke us 6+ years ago even if I only found out 2+ years ago.
I can never trust him to be my friend, to have my back, to by on my side unconditionally ever again.
I am gutted.
I am relieved.
I am fucking angry.
I am happy that I can be more self-determined again once the dust has settled.
I am livid on behalf of the children!!
I think he is making a huge mistake and has not thought this through.

He is citing lack of sex and affection - which is true.
It's kinda hard for a vagina to not shrivel up and clench when there's hardly any conversation, no connection, no shared interests - we lived like polite housemate while I was waiting for 10 years for him to become available to me again.

I know I am going to be fine, I am v lucky to be financially ok and to have supportive family + a secure job.
But, OMG.

Jamboree05 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:00:54

OP. You sound awesome. It's his loss and one day he'll realise it. But for now, have a hug and flowers

PerfectlyDone Thu 19-Oct-17 17:51:13

Thanks for hug.

None of this is public knowledge yet and I have nobody to rant at in RL.

He is such a weak person, seeking validation all the time.
He's managed to manoeuvre me in the role of 'fun-sucking adult' so he could remain a cool kidult.

He says I've change.
I jolly well hope so: one of us had to grow up.

I find myself worried about him - he is going to come to realise his mistake at some point, but there is no going back.

Oleanderrules Thu 19-Oct-17 18:33:40

You are so well out of it - good riddance to him !

I know it’s hard but you deserve better

Spare no thought for him nor the OW - he will do exactly the same to her in a few years

Penfold007 Thu 19-Oct-17 18:38:02

Rant away. Just sliding some gin your way

Secretsout Fri 20-Oct-17 11:44:23

Sounds like me OP. Ex have at least 3 'friendships' as he called them. Each time it was me taking him back. He always made me feel like he was doing me a favour. What a mug I was. I'm coming to the end of my divorce (during which he has behaved disgracefully despite him being 'unhappy for years')

You are well shot of him.

Well done on the weight're about to lose many more stones of useless lard!

PerfectlyDone Sun 22-Oct-17 19:02:43

Thank you, all thanks

The kids were off school last week, I was working, so he had them.
They boys inform me that OW, her daughter and their puppy was away at our caravan with them.
When we swapped over, I noticed my toiletries had been moved out of sight - I can see how having physical evidence of The Wife there is a bit embarrassing and must cramp his style... hmm
Not a word from him.

I saw an older man with what I presume were his grandchildren coming out of the local ice cream shop this afternoon and it really struck me: I have no idea how much of a role he might have in any potential future grandchildren because clearly he is moving on.

It's like I have never known him. Weird.

Notmyrealname85 Sun 22-Oct-17 19:07:45

“hardly any conversation, no connection, no shared interests”... then bloody lucky escape!!!

His future is not your problem, beyond him not fucking up towards your DC in terms of time and funds available to them.

Has he introduced the DC to OW already?!?

Christ, run and keep running

Startoftheyear2017 Mon 23-Oct-17 23:41:09

Great rant! So many annoying things about these stupid man-child men. KOKO cake

PerfectlyDone Sat 28-Oct-17 16:32:17

I went to a Parenting Apart workshop today - was v informative, but no massive surprises.

Main take home message for me: "Respond, don't react" and "Whose needs are being met here?".
I can be guilty of getting emotive, so not reacting and considering a response is going to be important. And not trying to score points if it is to the detriment of the children, I can see just HOW important that is.

So, £500+ have been spent in the last month on presents for the OW, paid by his debit card from our joint account.
And he is looking at hotel rooms for 2 in Switzerland for December when he is attending a conference there. I don't know who is taking, but it sure is not me.

Ah, well.
I'm sorting through my v neglected paper work in preparation to my meeting with a lawyer and life goes on.


Maelstrop Sat 28-Oct-17 20:34:57

So stop putting money into the joint account! Why are you paying for him to take the ow away? Seems crazy!

MamaOfTwos Sat 28-Oct-17 21:15:23

Empty the joint account and dat you're buying yourself gifts in lieu of him.
Separate finances completely and get a night booked in he diary to go out, dress up and feel like a rockstar wine

Dozer Sat 28-Oct-17 21:19:52

Get the financial separation sorted asap.

PerfectlyDone Sun 29-Oct-17 12:06:34

Lawyer appointment is lined up, don't worry.

Thank goodness for the fact that I am not financially dependent on him.
I don't think that he has thought through how much it will cost him to contribute to his children's costs though.

PerfectlyDone Mon 30-Oct-17 21:02:29

So, I've got joint bank account statements and my own financial stuff together ahead of my lawyer appointment next week.
But how do get details about his pension/income? confused
Do I need this for initial advice??

Ilovetolurk Mon 30-Oct-17 22:04:05

It would help OP

Can you ask him or will he be a twat

NotSureIfiAmWell Tue 31-Oct-17 21:50:19

Does his wages get paid in the joint account? Have you got payslips of his?

PerfectlyDone Tue 31-Oct-17 23:05:14

He seems to want to be a twat sad
Honestly, I am living a fucking cliché - the man I've lived with for over 20 years is a stranger, a hostile stranger. V odd.

Wages are easy, there is some additional self-employed income that is harder to be sure of.
Pension? No idea.

We are meeting to talk tomorrow. Goody hmm

PerfectlyDone Fri 10-Nov-17 10:39:41

Things are increasingly weird.

We are doing the shared parenting by taking turns in living in a rented flat nearby, but he seems to think that when he is 'on' I still provide the childcare when it suits him, including to allow him nights out with the OW. And when I am 'on', he shows up here when it is convenient to him.

Now, while I do not wish to restrict his access to our kids, I want a. more predictability, b. advance notice when he comes, c. the freedom to make plans when I am not 'on'.
And apparently all that makes me totally unreasonable.

I have seen a lawyer which has helped me understand what my position is, but really it seems that a financial separation is only possible with his co-operation and he is just Not. Doing. Anything.

I'd have thought he would be keen to progress things and move it along, but apparently not.

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