Advanced search

What I want, but it hurts so much

(14 Posts)
RainbowHash Wed 18-Oct-17 18:56:36


I'm about to initiate a separation with my husband of 10 years. We're talking this evening. It's been on the cards a long time and we've been on a long journey to get here (including Relate and individual therapy). It's the right thing in the long run and it's what I want.

And yet.... I feel devastated. My tummy hurts and I've not been sleeping. I feel broken hearted and terrified.

Is this normal? Please tell me it's going to be okay and I'm doing the right thing.

lovecamping Thu 19-Oct-17 09:01:01

Only you can know if you are doing the right thing.
But I know that feeling. The pain is almost physical. I'm going through the same thing. The only thing keeping me going is peace - dh messes with my head and I only I will only find peace without him.

Sending hugs

Wellyboots86 Fri 20-Oct-17 16:25:03

Has to be your choice but the feelings are normal. It would be wrong if you didn't feel like that in a way as regardless of where you are now, there was a time you were happy together and those feelings tend to swell up when you decide to move on

RainbowHash Fri 20-Oct-17 20:43:27

Thank you for your replies wellyboots and lovecamping.... I did it!

Was such a horrendous feeling in the build up but deep down I knew/know there is no other option. And despite the fear and sadness, there was/is an excitement surrounding my future, and being 'free'.

He took it very well, but it wasn't a massive shock because it's been on the cards a while. But..... he doesn't seem to be entirely accepting. He wants to try a bit more, although we don't know what exactly. I'm being open to the idea, but have not committed to anything. I guess deep down I want to accommodate anything that helps him come to terms with it, and I owe it to the kids to do all I can to keep it together before the final call.

But I've said it now, and got the ball in motion. He's historically been emotionally abusive, but has taken steps to address it and I kind of understand why he's behaved the way he has. But something I read recently reminded me that if someone hurts you, it doesn't really matter why they did, even if you understand it. You're not obliged to them. Am trying to hold onto that.

It's not going to happen overnight, but ever since I said it I feel such a massive sense of relief. Sometimes you just have to jump,because the falling isn't actually as bad as the anticipation of it.

I feel so strong now!!! I feel bloody proud of myself for taking control for a better and happier future for myself! Onwards and upwards. Time will tell how this exactly plays out.

Hugs and strength to all in the same position x

maroonishorrid Fri 20-Oct-17 21:33:45

Snap! I go from feeling really happy and excited about a peaceful future to feeling sick with worry and dread
I have been married for nearly 30years! Can’t believe I am doing it, so worried about DP too, as if he is another of my children.

Giraffey1 Fri 20-Oct-17 21:39:39

I felt as if I had a huge lump of concrete sitting on my chest fo a lot ng time after I first told my husband of 14 years I wanted to split up. I really hadn’t expected to experience such physical pain. It does pass but was certainly horrible. I hope you both manage to work your way though this.

maroonishorrid Fri 20-Oct-17 21:43:00

Can I ask giraffey ... did you ever regret it?

Giraffey1 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:05:42

Maroon - no, I have not regretted finally speaking out. I’ve regretted not saying something a long time ago as I’ve wasted years of my life. I’ve regretted that my decision has caused OH hurt but the truth is, he largely brought this in himself. I know that I have done the right thing for me.

I told him in March I wanted us to split and I do get anxious about all the things that have to be done, about selling the house and finding somewhere to move to. And I despise myself for my weakness in not pushing him into action (I wanted to have the house on the market last month, he said we should sell in the spring). But while I want to be able to go to sleep and then wake up to find it has all been sorted, I don’t regret having initiated the separation.

It must be tough for you, after 30 years. What’s happening, have you just told your H? Why are you worried about him? Do you have family and friends to support you?

Rainbow - how are you getting on? Are you ok?

maroonishorrid Sun 22-Oct-17 05:01:52

I told my DH two weeks ago, and he is living nearby (to lessen the impact on our youngest 13)
we had been been having therapy for over a year and nothing changed really. All the issues lead back to alcohol, he is an alcoholic.
The thing is, even though he now says he wants to stop and is about to go into rehab and potentially return after a month as a new him, I have told him I don’t want him to move back in, and that we will have to wait and see... I am not being honest as deep down I want a peaceful future free of any crap and I am certain that can only happen if I am not with him. That ship has sailed.
I also feel guilty and worried about him as he has developed memory problems (possibly alcohol induced dementia) and it’s like I am abandoning him at the worst time -‘sickness and health’ and all that....
Sorry for long post
How are you this morning rainbow?

RainbowHash Thu 26-Oct-17 19:52:03

Hi @maroonishorrid, apologies for slow response. That sounds extremely hard and painful for all concerned. I really hope he is able to recover. My dad was an alcoholic and as a child it was so scary and confusing when he was drunk.

I'm doing well. The build up to telling him was the worst bit, but now I've said it and it's out in the open I actually feel pretty good. When I get too tired I start questioning it and feeling very sad and it all seems unreal, but after a good night's sleep it feels okay again. Dare I say exciting even. (I've been unhappy a long time).

Can't say he's agreed yet, but we're gonna talk again next week. I hope he's not going to convince me to try something else. I have a suspicion he's going to be accepting. Making actual moving out plans and telling the kids are going to be the next hurdles.

Good luck with your plans - I hope your more positive and peaceful future negates some of the sadness.

Giraffey1 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:00:19

Rainbow, it’s a hard journey, I think, especially if you have children. I hope your conversations go ok.

colouringinagain Fri 27-Oct-17 00:10:37

This is me too OP. I've ended a 20 yr marriage as am burnt out from living with severely mentally ill OH. Kids vvvv upset. The pain is so strong it's almost physical. I think it's the right decision, but have been together for more than half my life. Don't know how I'm going to get through this St the moment.

Giraffey1 Fri 27-Oct-17 14:31:50

Colouring, so sorry to hear this. I can only say from my experience that while it hurts like hell at first, the pain does ease. For me me, the hard thing now is all the practicalities and getting my OH to get off his lazy backside and do something about moving out and helping sell the house.

Brakebackcyclebot Fri 27-Oct-17 14:51:36

Hi Rainbow, the feelings you are experiencing are so normal. There is a grieving process to go through in any divorce, whether the divorce is your choice or not. You grieve what you thought you had, what you thought your future was, the promise that your marriage once held, and any number of other things! So I would be worried if you weren't feeling afraid and sad. It's also totally ok to feel relief and excitement!

The thing about the early days of a divorce is it's like a roller coaster - you go up and down, and it's unpredictable how you'll feel from one hour to the next. It's easier if you let the feelings come and go, and at the same time put some actions into place to look after yourself - so make sure you eat well, do some exercise, maybe see some friends and have some fun. Be kind to yourself when you're feeling down, and enjoy the times when you're feeling relieved. Start to plan for the future, and visualise what you want it to look like.

Good luck!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: