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Controlling behaviour and interference in parenting after divorce

(8 Posts)
Ripcurl Wed 18-Oct-17 13:32:25

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop an ex trying to interfere in the day to day looking after children after a divorce where I have the children 90% of the time and they live with me any my new partner?

My ex has a new partner too and they live together. We've always made sure they see the children whenever they want, there's regular access and in the holidays he dictates when he wants them
In the past that's included when it's not suitable for us (when relatives who live very far away are visiting us and would like to see the children for example), but I'm looking to change it so that they have to fit in with our plans more as I feel that they are child free 90% of the time so should be more flexible.
My ex also tries to get very involved in things like routine medical appointments, school etc, but refuses to do these things with the four of us (parents and new partners together) and tries to enforce it that it's only me and him. My other half is co-parenting with me and we look after the children together and have them 90% of the time, so I don't see any reason for him to be excluded from school things etc, and I'm very happy for my ex and his OH to come with us. He won't do this, and tries to force me to go alone with him and exclude my partner.
It's got to the stage where my ex makes appointments to talk to the school about 'issues' he has with the way they teach the children, without informing me or discussing it with me.

Can anyone give any advice on what's a reasonable way out of this - and anyone in the situation where they're divorced and have day to day responsibility for the children - what's the usual way it's done when there's two sets of parents and partners?

NotSureIfiAmWell Tue 31-Oct-17 21:56:48

I wouldn't want my ex's partner at meetings about our children as we are the parents and not them.

greenlanes Tue 31-Oct-17 22:03:11

My ex brings his partner to school to discuss my DC's issues. I am beyond unhappy about that. We have separate meetings anyway due to his abusive ways, but my DC should have their privacy respected.

Both of you have NEW partners and they should remain in the background. Your DC have 2 actively involved parents. Your OH isnt co-parenting because he isnt the DC parent. Lovely that he wants to support you in your parenting but your DC already have a dad. A court will look on dad very favourably for wanting to be involved in daily care such as medical appts.

Be careful about your idea of flexibility. If you have the children 90% of the time then your family including those far away relatives have a lot more time to fit in and be flexible. You may end up pushing your ex to go to court and ask for more contact.

gillybeanz Tue 31-Oct-17 22:05:41

I think all your issues need addressing but don't agree with partners being at parents evenings and school events.

The parents don't even need to go together if they can't be civil or one of them is a controlling bastard. However, they are the only two that need to be there.

Do not be dictated to by him, just stay firm, and let him look the dick questioning the teachers.
Don't put yourself out to allow him access and don't answer questions that don't concern him.

Tell him you'll give him 10% of what he wants as he owes your dc another 40% just to bring it up to 50%/50% parenting.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 07-Nov-17 19:20:01

Your ex is entitled to have school meetings without your knowledge or inclusion. Maybe he isn't comfortable discussing his dc with your new dp there. It can't be easy another man parenting his dc more than him -

Brakebackcyclebot Wed 08-Nov-17 16:05:43

Background - I have 2 DCs, and both ex and I are remarried, so the DCs have 2 parents and 2 step parents. Whilst it's great that they have 4 role models, they only have 2 parents. Me and my ex. Not their step mum or their step dad. To be honest, it sounds as though you want to replace their dad with your new partner. You talk of your DP "co-parenting" with you - but he isn't their parent. Their dad is their parent.

I'm not sure why it's a bad thing that the dad wants to be involved in medical care? I wish my ex took more responsibility for those things.

Having four adults turn up to one routine medical examination would be ridiculous. Ditto parents' evening.

It sounds as though you want to control everything. I may have got this wrong, and obviously I don't know the backstory to this situation - but your ex is as entitled to talk to the teachers as you are. I can see how your ex might see you as controlling and difficult, especially since you want to involve your new DP in everything. It would really get my back up if my ex wanted all 4 of us to go along to all parents' evenings and medical appointments.

WinnieTheW0rm Wed 08-Nov-17 17:19:42

I think it's reasonable of the DDad to want appointments without the stepfather there, and if you will not consent to that, then it is totally correct for him to see the school independently.

Demanding if the school's time, but if you continue to be unreasonable then it's a good thing they can do this.

Only those with PR should be at medical appointments, but unless there's something particularly complex going on, I doubt there's need for both parents to go. Unless one parent is not informing the other in a timely fashion. In which case both parents (but not steps) should go.

AlmostChristmas Wed 22-Nov-17 16:21:23

You need to sort out access properly.

Everything else regarding you are being unreasonable, it sounds like your the controlling one OP, sorry!

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