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I have put up 3 toilet roll holders yesterday....

(13 Posts)
PerfectlyDone Sun 15-Oct-17 08:34:43

.... because after 20 years of marriage, H is now on a 'quest for happiness' and this involves somebody else.
The significance of the toilet roll holders is that he had been dragging his heels over choosing them, was worried about drilling in to tiles and I was sitting here waiting for him to come round to make a joint decision.

That is basically what I have done for the last 10 years: making myself available for when the time might come that he actually wanted to spend time with me, be with me, do stuff with me.
Sigh.
It's so sad.
I think he is making a huge mistake, he has no idea what he is losing, he has not idea that his unhappiness lies within him and that he will always be with him, in whatever relationship.

But - I'm ok. I had a long time of feeling like I was 'on hold' and now I'm not.
This is a brand-new situation, there's loads to sort out, but onwards and upwards.

CaptainM Sun 15-Oct-17 16:24:38

Great perspective. My ex was very much the same, and in hindsight, I can see how much he held me back. Despite a messy divorce process, life has never been better and opportunities endless. Enjoy the ride ahead. When one door closes, it seems thousands open....

PerfectlyDone Sun 15-Oct-17 16:50:27

Thank you, CaptianM, that is good to hear smile

I am gutted and relieved at the same time - how is that possible?! confused

We will continue to co-parent, one week on, one week off, he will remain in close proximity to us (when he's not with OW) and I will plan our financial seperation/divorce slowly and carefully.

What an idiot - he is making a huge mistake but is totally playing out the middle-aged successful man's midlife crisis.
My life will improve without him, his is diminished without me IMO - but maybe I would say that! wink

sunflowers4 Sun 15-Oct-17 18:12:57

@PerfectlyDone my STBXH is exactly the same! Whatever he has in life he always wants better, never content, always comparing his life to other people’s! The unhappiness lies within himself and he will never find what he thinks he’s missing in a relationship! But apparently this other woman is the love of his life! She’s worth throwing everything we had away for and he will have a better life hmm

Since he’s left I’ve realised how much I have put my life on hold trying to make him happy! Obviously would have preferred to work the marriage out but that’s not a possibility anymore so onwards and upwards! No exactly how you feel when you say you are devastated but relieved at the same time! These men will never be happy! Chin up we will end up the better person in all of this!! They have done us a favour really grin we can now live the life we want to xxxx

PerfectlyDone Mon 16-Oct-17 08:00:16

Thank you for posting, sunflowers.

I am now trying to find a lawyer.
Where do I even start??
Just googling 'Family Law' seems a bit random confused

But I'm really enjoying my toilet roll holders grin - and I am hanging lots of unhung pictures/photos/paintings that has been standing leaning against various walls for 10 years since we did a major house conversion.

Sigh.

PurpleWithRed Mon 16-Oct-17 08:04:48

In theory you should try to find a personal recommendation for a solicitor, but in practice I just googled, then phoned, then went for a meeting before I found the lawyer I felt I could work with. Worked out fine in the end (bloody expensive though, divorcing someone who doesn't want to be divorced is a long slow process).

You've read it here a thousand times - go to the solicitor armed with all the financial information you can get hold of including the rough value of your pensions. However amicable you both intend to be there will be something in the divorce you disagree on, so watch out for that too.

BillywilliamV Mon 16-Oct-17 08:06:09

I think I have a perfect picture of you in my head. smile. Good luck in your brand new future.

PerfectlyDone Mon 16-Oct-17 08:06:16

Thank you thanks

You speak sense.

I have no clue about our finances because I have allowed H to do it all.
I have catch up to play, big time.

We both earn well, thank goodness for that.

PerfectlyDone Mon 16-Oct-17 08:06:49

Thanks, Billie smile

Hey ho, hey ho, off to work I go.

MrsBertBibby Mon 16-Oct-17 08:49:57

Resolution (an organisation of family lawyers who endeavour to minimise conflict and promote constructive dialogue) can help there

www.resolution.org.uk/landing-two-cols.asp?page_id=21

Secretsout Mon 16-Oct-17 12:50:57

Well done perfectly I can totally empathise with you and others on here. I almost free of my STBEX after the worst year of my life trying to divorce him. I now look back and realise how he held me back, madd me feel like he was doing me a favour every time he gave up his time to be with me. Not long now until I finally lose that 13 stone of useless lard!

Bibbidee Mon 16-Oct-17 17:02:01

*SecretsOut '*Not long now until I finally lose that 13 stone of useless lard!'** Ha ha classic! 😆

Bibbidee Mon 16-Oct-17 17:03:29

I echo what others have said, they do hold you back and to be fair, we hold ourselves back but not anymore. Leave them to their MLC!

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