Talk

Advanced search

Overcoming guilt to be able to leave

(4 Posts)
ScottishClimberGirl Sat 14-Oct-17 14:15:34

Hello all,
I am looking for support and advice because I can feel my mind crumbling.

I'll try to makes this story short. I got married to a man who is a lovely, gentle soul and a good dad. But for over 7years he's been unable to find work. He occasionally works part time, bringing in pennies. Meanwhile, ever since our son was born, I've been working my bum off despite suffering from depression and PTSD. I managed to climb the career ladder, buy my own flat (he's in debt so a bank won't touch him with a stick). Our sex life was never great. Even at the start we'd only be together one a month and this lead me to lose my confidence. 5 months ago I went though a trauma of finding out my husband was leading a second life - I've discovered hundreds of messages to various women, disgusting photos of both my husband and women. After confronting him about it, he admitted guilt but despite the pain I found myself unable to kick him out. Something that I should've done. He said it was an addiction and promised me to go to therapy - this lasted 4 weeks. Browser history always clean leads me to believe he is continuing his habit. He's been promising me for the past 5 years he'd go to work. Something that hasn't materialises ever.

I now live with a man who is more of a flat mate to me than a husband. Difference being a flat mate would pay rent. I like watching films with him and chatting, but feel equally happy when he's not at home. Need of physical contact isn't there. I am living with a man who's like a leech. He never helped when I was falling apart, probably worried it would disturb his security. I have threatened him with divorce in the past, but I have a feeling he decides to survive those conversations and threats, behave for a week or two and then go back to him usual life.

I am not great myself - I can imagine he thinks I'm cold. My son is suffering since I'm always tired. Quite frankly, I think I'm a shit mum. I have my own hobby that allows me to escape from time to time, and keep my sanity.

Will I be able to live without him? Yes. I am not dependent in any way. He is a nice man, a good dad - I would never want to take my son away from him, I don't even want child support - I just want him to sort his life out to be able to be a good dad.

So I am aware I need to leave because I work my bum off to then support him and myself from one pension. He won't learn to live an adult life while he's with me, so I truly believe (however cruel that sounds) that this may be a push he needs. And I won't be happy while my life looks like this. Most importantly, my son won't have a mum that will be able to give him time and attention he deserves.

What's the problem? Guilt. I worry where my husband will live, what he will do. He is a nice guy - why would I leave him? Will people hate me? Will my son hate me?

I find it really hard to get on with it. The decision is made in my head but I just don't know how to make myself put the plan in action. HELP.

ferriswheel Sat 14-Oct-17 14:31:06

Im sorry I haven't managed to read your whole post. My story is different but my h was a bastard too.

Your h is on a sinking ship. You need to get off it and take your children too. Or you'll all drown.

Thinking about it that way helped me. I offered my h a million life boats and he turned them all away.

jimmyjimmy Mon 16-Oct-17 19:03:07

I wanted to leave my husband since October 2016 and guilt of breaking up the family was my main reason.

Yet, I was so unhappy and realised that I wasn't showing our children what living in a loving relationship was.

I started counselling and after the first session, I realised it was over. I also realised that my children would be affected no matter what. So I ended the relationship.

One month later, I have no guilt and no regrets. Our children's are fine, my world didn't come to an end. And I am finally happy. Tired, adjusting to single life. But I have no anxiety anymore and I have realised that I made the correct decision. I don't have the answer for you, only my story. But I empathise and fought my guilt for too long. Good luck. x

redcaryellowcar Mon 16-Oct-17 19:10:57

I think you need to re read your post. you say at least a couple of times how lovely he is, but if a friend told you her husband was messing around with several women, I doubt you would agree he’s a lovely man.
Don’t doubt yourself. You’ve given him so many chances and opportunities, he’s not taking any of them. Move on and get your confidence back. I was in a rubbishy relationship and found seeing a counsellor really helped clarify my thinking on leaving, you can contact bacp for a register of counsellors, if you think that might help?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now