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Getting separated from my abusive controlling husband.

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Confusedandtiredmama Sun 08-Oct-17 17:34:36

I have loved this man. This man that treats me like a doormat but kisses me on the forehead. I have loved him with all of my heart. It felt like I was with the most wonderful loving man in the world. I fell pregnant quickly, and we moved in together shortly after.

The first 5 months of living together, we're wonderful. He doted on me, brought me food, buy me nice things and made love with eachother. I thought I am so lucky to have found true love. He listened to me, was kind. Loved things that were different about me, never put me down and was warm and sensitive.

I was very pregnant when we got married, waddling down the aisle, I became his wife. It meant something to me. I took my vows, and I told him that I loved him dearly. His mother walked me down the aisle. I finally had a family!

July 2016, I gave birth to a lovely beautiful girl. We were besotted with her, but that's when we started bickering. I put it down to being sleep deprived. We changed her nappy and I breastfed her. He was supportive and kind and just everything a woman would want from a man when she's just had his child.

September rolled on. I was more confident being a mother, no longer felt wobbly pushing my big red pram around. Started going to mum and baby groups, trying to get me and baby in a good routine. He was unemployed and staying in bed a lot. I didn't like it, but he was around for me and our daughter. Hed been on the sick for depression for two years, but I ignored this because he wasn't treating me badly. Still madly in love with eachother.

November/December time. He got a high pressure job, working 6 days a week, 49 hours a week. 10 hour shifts a day. I remember his first week, he was a bit grumpy with me. But nothing terrible. I fell into an awful habit of making him dinner as soon as he walked through the door. I loved him, nothing wrong with making dinner. I knew we needed a good routine. And I love cooking.

February comes round.
He's more confident in his job, he still finds it tiring but by this point I am doing everything around the house. Everything with my daughter. Works an excuse. Works always a bloody excuse. He's stressed.

March. We have a huge row about money. I am overspending- mainly because I missed him and felt so lonely. sad lots of money taking my daughter out, having coffees (too many) and seeing my mum friends. I can't drive and it's getting me down. I find it difficult getting me about and it's really affecting being punctual for things. But he starts to learning how to drive. We spend lots of money on his driving lessons.

April.
I decide to look for work or start my own business. I am excited. I want my own income and support our daughter too. He discourages it. But we live well, we go out regularly and it doesn't affect us paying our bills. Lots of money to throw everywhere.
I go on a small business course. He doesn't like it. I want to earn money too. I can't. I'm mum now.
Our daughter gets pneumonia. He doesn't even come visit in the hospital because he's working. Wouldn't come down from work. Work work work. Cars cars cars.

May
He has nightmares about work, frequently saying stock numbers in his sleep of where's working. Obsessive about money. I'm always spending too much money, going out taking our daughter to playgroups. Constant bickering and silent treatment. I do my small enterprise course and our daughter attends nursery for a week. She enjoys it.
Our daughter starts having massive tantrums at night. Full on screaming matches if we try to put her in herhalo
June.
He talks crap about my friends, crap about how well I clean the house, crap about my cooking. I'm a terrible cook so I need to stop cooking for him. This hurts my feelings, I just love cooking. I like keeping a house clean. I'm proud I can look after myself so well. His mum is his biggest crutch, best friend. Loved that they are so close.. but too close? Does he really need to ring his Mum every time he needs to go somewhere rather than getting on a bus.

July. Our daughters birthday. We fight because I want to spend money on a venue. Arguments about money constantly. I should be saving more. I do all of the budgeting for the family because I have to. If I don't, I know he will spend all of his money. He's going to quit his job. Finally! I think.
I'll find a part time job, so we can stop quarrelling. Cool. I get a job in telesales, I have little experience on my CV.
He hasn't quit the job. We loose out on money because she has to go to nursery.
His work mates are arrogant, rich selfish men. Oggle women like they are bits of fried chicken and take cocaine on the weekend. He never goes out with these men. He rarely has a nice word to say about them at all. Never says a nice word about anyone. He's changed massively in personality and behaviour.
Is furious with the nursery and slates our daughters nursery off, I have to find her a new nursery. Although I'm not happy with where she was, he calls the nursery staff retarded and so on. I bite my lip. Nice people.

Rarely has a nice word to say about me. I try my hardest to keep things going. Have business meetings and trying to get my own life together instead. My boots are too masculine, my hair isn't the right colour. He doesn't like X,Y,Z with what I wear and what I do. I start to think I'm ugly and unattractive.

August- our birthdays. I take him out for his birthday. He complains about my high heels. The pub is down the road. I start to wear more revealing clothing. I just want to please him and make him less stressed. I feel like his sex slave.
If my daughter gets sick, it's My fault. If the house is a mess it's my house. If he can't get Off it's my fault. Resentment has been growing for months and months.

September.
My business booms. I get high hits on my advert online. He doesn't like it. He feels immasuculated by my successes. He admires me but also feels intimidated. I don't know why. I'm a warm, loving wife.
My daughter has an accident down the stairs. He threatens to take her away from me, screams blue murder in my face and tells me he is leaving home. I am the most insufferable woman imaginable. Making his tea, putting his clothes away. My daughter cries throughout all of this. He comes home after a ten hour shift, where I've been crying all day at a friends. I feel like a sex slave, his butler, his cook and everything else. I am his servant.

Last Tuesday. Again after my daughter had an accident it is my fault. My fault: I am an unfit mother and should have been keeping a better eye on her.
I send him a text as he leaves for work, that I am not an unfit mum and that is the final straw. I can't cope with his arrogance. He left for four days barely talking to me.

Arrives home and states that I'm annoying so he has to leave. He says I'm impossible to live with, im a controlling demanding woman.

I have been in bits the last couple of days as I finally feel like I can admit that I was in an abusive relationship. He charmed me, he loved me and then he hurt me.

It is so relieving to be able to talk about everything. I am a very loving Mother. He never told me that.

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