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Ex wife won't initiate contact with our 13 year old dd

(6 Posts)
Latinmeadow25 Wed 04-Oct-17 21:42:23

We got divorced three years ago and I moved out. My eldest dd came to live with me and my new partner in April of this year. She was very unhappy at home and told the mediator and Court that she was unhappy living with ex wife and only seeing me every two weeks. Court gave shared residency which broke down because the ex piled on extreme pressure to dd telling her that she was disloyal and responsible for reduction in maintenance payments. Dd could not cope and came to live with us and my youngest aged 8 stayed with my ex. My ex then refused to have weekend contact with my dd unless my dd texted her st exactly 5pm on a Thursday. From thereonin dd and her mum have not had any communication now for 6 month. My options as far as I see them are 1. Text ex and tell her that her refusal to contact dd is upsetting her with dd consent 2. Text ex without telling dd nothing. This is causing tension in the house because my partner feels that I should be trying to push the contact and I don't know what is right

Applebei Wed 04-Oct-17 21:47:48

I would talk to your daughter and see what she wants you to do.

Your dd's mum doesn't sound nice. It sounds like you'll be a shoulder to cry on for her for many years in the future. Could you get her some counselling now?

Arion Wed 04-Oct-17 22:03:50

Talk to your daughter, support her in what she wants to do. Please, please, please let her know that it is not her fault. I was brought up with a mum who gave me the silent treatment, and a dad who stayed out of it for a quiet life. I blame myself for everything, and I feel worthless. I'm in counselling now, but it's looking to be a long process. Children will blame themselves because it is something they can control (if I'm better, quieter, work harder etc, then parent will love me).
Don't stay quiet because you don't want to bad mouth her mother. You need to let your daughter know she is not at fault, but try and find a way that is fair to your ex (even though I know what my mum did was wrong, and I've been told I've described emotional abuse, it's still really hard if anyone says negative things about her, I want to protect her, and I still feel that it's me that's faulty not her being overly critical)

Latinmeadow25 Wed 04-Oct-17 22:56:30

Thank you. I am going to talk to her tomorrow and say that I am going to reach out to her mum and hope that the ex will respond positively. I am somewhat apprehensive because the ex will only engage with people on her own terms. She doesn't have anything to do with her own mother because she wouldn't take sides in the divorce. The ex mother in law now sees her granddaughter at my house every week!

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 04-Oct-17 23:14:38

This sounds so difficult for all of you. Is your DD seeing her brother, does he come to you for contact? I can't imagine how hard it must be for them being apart.

I'd be honest with your DD. She's too old for you to go behind her back with your ex, even if it's because you're trying to help the situation.

I'm a stepmum and I'm sure your DP wants the best for your DD. But it's not really up to her to put pressure on you to influence your DDs relationship or contact with her mum.

Your DD is lucky to have you as her dad and to have a safe, loving, supportive home with you. She needs stability, understanding, for her feelings and wishes to be respected.

It would be great for her to have a good healthy relationship with her mother. But your ex seems to setting your DD up to fail with her stupid pointless demands and it's important you bring her up NOT to have relationships where she's manipulated or controlled or becomes less of herself to please or pacify others.

Latinmeadow25 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:19:29

Well I have texted the ex to explain (have to text because she won't answer phone to me) and absolutely silence, no response to either me or DD. sad

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