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Husband wants separation which broke my heart but now that I am showing strength he's getting annoyed!!!

(50 Posts)
whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 08:25:51

Cutting a long story short my husband wants to separate. I am moving back to my home town with our 2 kids and he says it's for the best cause he's not in love with me anymore.

So I did the usual cried and fired moved out for a while and came back and now it's been 6 months and I'm finally slowly accepting all of this a little bit at a time day by day. He is acting everyday like nothing is wrong, still hugging me still giving me kisses in the forehead, still tickling me and being playful & all of it is making me cringe. I said to him a few days ago maybe this is for the best & I am starting to feel myself detaching from you slowly & he went mad starting saying 'aww good for u then it'll be easier for you to get over your broken heart when your gone' & I said I hope so. He wouldn't speak to me for a while so I got up and went out and left him with the kids. Then last night he asked where all our wedding pictures where? I had taken them all off the wall when we had an argument one night a few weeks back and put them in plastic bags and put them in our sunroom! He couldn't have cared less! I had put them there with the intention of throwing them out but didn't have the heart to until yday. So my husband last night asked where they were and I said I finally had the strength to get rid of them and he went mad 'aww so that's the way you want to be then fine!!!' & he didn't speak to me the rest of the night, went to bed & got up this morning and he's ignoring me. I said to him sure your getting everything you asked for and your still annoyed and that's it I am not talking to him I'm not getting roped into this.

Anyway I wanted to ask is he emotionally manipulating me? He also wants me to 'leave the door open for us in the future' which I think is a joke!!! And I said I don't think I can do that and he said 'aww well I hope you don't regret your decision?' I said no you made the decision to end our marriage and I hope you don't regret it!!

Anyone else's husbands doing this??


MrsOverTheRoad Wed 04-Oct-17 08:52:28

when are you actually leaving? Can you go quicker? He sounds an UTTER WANKER. How dare he stroke you and kiss you when he's done this??

Is he seeing someone else? It sounds like he might be...but now the reality is setting in, he's having doubts.

schoolgaterebel Wed 04-Oct-17 08:58:52

He sounds awful.

Why haven’t you left him yet? And why are you styling hi tickle you fgs

schoolgaterebel Wed 04-Oct-17 08:59:19

*letting him tickle you fgs?

Justmuddlingalong Wed 04-Oct-17 09:03:14

In his head, your unreasonable behaviour will be why the marriage ended. He's passing the buck.

Heathen4Hire Wed 04-Oct-17 09:06:10

"Leave the door open for the future"?
He sounds to me like he wants to keep you on the end of a string for when HE decides he wants you back. Wanker.
Don't put up with his shit. If there is a way for you or him to leave the home then get on with it because he is a manipulative cockwomble.

whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 22:47:17

MrsOverTheRoad hi there, i did leave for 3 months back in April when all this first came about, I moved in with my parents with my baby and toddler. He asked me to come back and to be fair he never asked me to leave in the first place but anyway I went back & been back since July & everything seemed ok for about a month & then I turned to him and said u really don't love me do u? & he said no that I have chipped away at him for too long and he doesn't see it working. So I've been desperately looking for somewhere to live ever since. I viewed 2 houses today & im applying for one of them tomorrow so fingers crossed I get it.

I have asked him a million times if there is someone else and of course he denies it! But to me he seems so checked out of our marriage that I reckon there is. Just wish he had the balls to tell me. I mean I think I'm owed the truth. A friend of mine whose husband had an affair said her husband just came home one day & said I'm seeing someone else and left her and her kids. She says it's happened to other people she knows that the husband just literally admits to seeing someone else. But I know other men r too cowardly to admit it.

whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 22:50:05

schoolgaterebel hi, I hate when he does these things now. It actually turns my stomach. He acts like nothing is wrong and it makes me sick. He leaves for work in the mornings and still tries to kiss me goodbye, forehead only! & says have a good day & he calls me on all his breaks etc and he's just doing the stuff he usually does but doesn't love me.

Nazdarovye Wed 04-Oct-17 22:53:05

He's a headfucking player. Kick him to the curb as fast as you can.

whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 22:57:48

Justmuddlingalong yeah sure that's all I have heard. U chipped away at me, you drain me with your negativity, u didn't help me with my performance anxiety, u didn't support my dreams etc etc

I just moved twice so he could be close to his job so he could pursue his career, left my own hometown moved to his village and gave birth to 2 of his children, had no family or friends around for support. Gave up my job!!

Then I get all this thrown in my face. Aww you've changed since you've had children. Aww you've been really depressing to be around the last year ( taking into consideration I lost one of my twin boys last year and bleed for 5 months til I gave birth to my son in March) but oh no I wasn't a joy to come home to everyday while I was bleeding and looking after my toddler.

whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 23:01:21

Heathen4Hire, I know that's all he's doing, he wants to go off and see if the grass is greener and try out his new life & if it doesn't work out he wants to think I'll just be hanging on waiting!! Well I won't that's for sure! As soon as I get a place I'm gone!!

It's so hard to believe and take it all in. U never think that the person u married would turn out like this ☹️ Makes me feel ill that he could hurt me so bad!

LexieLulu Wed 04-Oct-17 23:07:34

Can you afford to move out your house share? Ask him to put your house on the market

whatnowat35 Wed 04-Oct-17 23:15:29

LexieLulu hi there, we are putting the house up for sale this month. & im booking an app for us to get a legal separation asap

twinklefeather Wed 04-Oct-17 23:19:10

What an arse.he is using you as the safety net cut yourself loose and don't look back. You won't regret it flowers

DontDrinkDontSmoke Wed 04-Oct-17 23:24:34

OP, you sound as if you have it pretty much worked out, you just need some of your plans put into action.

All the best for when you finally get that bellend out of your space for good.

Good idea to ask him not to touch you in future at all, not so much as a pat on the arm. How dare he?

BandHag Wed 04-Oct-17 23:25:58

WOW, he sounds like a head-fucker

I agree with the others. The sooner you get away from him the sooner you'll start feeling better.

He wants to reject you and he wants you to just 'pine', hoping he returns.
If you decide rightly that that's not good enough for you, he's like ''respect my right to dangle you on an off-chance''. Total Gaslighter.

LexieLulu Wed 04-Oct-17 23:34:39

He sounds like he's controlling you slightly, leading you on so you'll never fully leave him.

I hope the house sale is speedy x

whatnowat35 Thu 05-Oct-17 08:00:17

Thanks everyone for your messages.

Yeah he thinks I'm a mug who will wait around while he dates and figures out whether he wants me and the kids in his life. He's very immature, he's 34 and all he does or wants to do is sit and play computer games at every chance he gets & he's very controlling about money. We have never had a joint account and he keeps a spreadsheet of all his money and updates it with every penny we have ever spent. He also has had a problem with sex since we first started dating. He always loses his erection during sex and at the beginning of our relationship he blamed it on sensitive foreskin and as the relationship went on and we moved in together and he could hide the problem less he started blaming it on other things like he would say 'aww u spoiled the fun part of sex and remember this time and this time u spoiled the moment cause u stopped and started & that has just put a mental block in my mind now when it comes to sex'. He said I have never had this problem with any other woman & I know I won't have it again after u. I always felt rejected & I'd say in 6 years we managed to have sex maybe 30 times if even. And everything was a bother for him, if I cooked dinner 7 days a week and all I asked was for him to put the dishes in the dishwasher I was nagging, if I asked him to spend more time with our first born I was nagging!! He said I was as bad a nagger as his mother.

I mean when I look at everything I've written above I prob should have left a long time ago.

NotSureIfiAmWell Thu 05-Oct-17 08:20:17

Really think you need to detach completely. Don't answer his daily phonecalls as they are really not necessary. Stop cooking or doing his laundry - basically any 'wife' work. Have you had legal advice about sellibg the house and how it will be split as you could be selling yourself short.

My stbx presented me with a seperation agreement that was heavily weighted in his favour. He wanted the house on the market asap....
3 months later I'm still here as there is more to consider than just the house. Pensions, savings, debts etc

user1499786242 Thu 05-Oct-17 08:22:26

I could write a massive reply saying exactly what I think of him
But you sound like you already know what an utter cunt he is
You deserve so so much better flowers

DarthMaiden Thu 05-Oct-17 08:29:20

He sounds very insecure to be honest and someone trying to blame you for the failings in his life, because frankly, it’s a damn site easier to do that than take a good hard look in the mirror.

Equally his messages are not mixed really. He sounds like he enjoyed the ego boast of him rejecting you, and thinking you’d do the “I’ll do anything to make it work” routine. He’s now realising that’s backfired and thus is trying to reel you back in just enough to be part of game.

TBH I’d try and ignore him as best you can. He sounds like he’s enjoying the attention and indifference is a pretty powerful response. It’s a bit like stopping feeding the troll smile - try not to get involved in any emotive discussions and focus on the practical things you need to do.

Truth is, I think from what you’ve written, that you’ll come out the other side of this separation in a lot better place than he will.

whatnowat35 Thu 05-Oct-17 08:30:15

NotSureIfiAmWell hi there, I have drawn up a separation agreement already and we r waiting to see a solicitor. He already gave me half our savings & I am entitled to half the house & I am also taking all the contents from the house which we bought brand new together as he is moving to furnished accommodation when the house is sold and I am moving to unfurnished & he has agreed I can take it all. Our agreement outlines the child maintenance he has to pay, as well as separately the nursery fees he has to pay as well as continuing to pay for my car for the next 3 years so I can drive the kids about. As for our debt he has agreed to clear the one credit we ever had and it isn't massive plus is has a very well paid job so he can afford all of this. He also only had to pay me a small percentage of his pension, so it goes by how long we have been married so when we divorce I will look at that. At the minute we r legally separating.

Can't think of anything else I needed to cover.

I just want all this over with. It's been 6 months of emotional hell & I feel so bad cause this all began when my baby was 5 weeks old and I was recovering from a section & I just feel like I haven't been able to enjoy my baby cause of that prick ☹️

Salene Thu 05-Oct-17 08:31:07

The guy is a arsehole and you will be well rid. Get out now and don’t look back.

DarthMaiden Thu 05-Oct-17 08:33:11

Oh yes and as above - stop doing any wife work and taking his calls.

If he tries to kiss you just put your hands in front of you and say “I don’t want you to do that. I don’t like you kissing me.” Then turn away from him. Stay calm but detached.

ArcheryAnnie Thu 05-Oct-17 08:36:42

He sounds like a massive, abusive wanker, and the sooner you get away from him the better. He's being deliberately cruel with blowing hot and cold, and he sounds an absolute mess.

You deserve better, OP. May this dick be out of your life very soon.


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