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Husband left me and my son

(10 Posts)
Debbieb70 Tue 03-Oct-17 21:49:55

My husband said he didn't love me anymore. I'm 47 he's 49.And I totally blame myself. My son 9 has autism and I have to sleep in his room. It's a common thing and I've spoken to other parents who have to do this. Now my husband has left us and I beat myself up all the time telling myself that if only I'd left my son and gone to bed with him each night he'd still be with us. I used to say sometimes you'll go off me and find someone else having to do this and he'd say don't be silly I love you. We did have sex when we could. Maybe not as often as we should but finding time fitting it round a special needs child. My son didn't sleep early another autism trait and a lot of the time by the time he was asleep the husband was snoring in the other room. We used to say that we loved each other. I didn't think anything was wrong. Surely if he felt us drifting he could have spoken to me to try and remedy it. Isn't marriage more than bedtime. He deliberately went to find an ex of his online from 16 years ago as he said he needed someone to talk to and stabbed the knife In further by saying he'd always had feelings for her and she said she had for him. It was worse as I saw a photo of them on Facebook at his dad's 80th birthday party. Which was 2 days afterwards. Who knows what he told them about us but I imagine something along the lines of we weren't a couple anymore for a while and were just together for our son. Now he's with her at the other end of the country back where his family and people he knows are where we were all supposed to move together getting his life back as he says.doing everything without the shackles of a family. And I hurt so much I feel desolate and like my hearts been cut out. And I can't stop thinking of of them together and that's so painful. I've lost him and I blame me but how can you walk away from the son you've seen every day of his life and were the carer for. It would kill me not to see him every day.
Sorry for such a long post

Phoebe61 Fri 13-Oct-17 23:30:00

Wow. I'm new here. My husband left me at the beginning of Aug after nearly 18 years married and 26 years together - I'm 42. Like you I thought everything was ok - not perfect but ok. In short we have a daughter with anxiety and ran a business together.

In Feb he told me he'd been talking to another women via Twitter and had met her twice - including a kiss. Since we split in Aug he has had another online female 'friend' and joined a dating site - dating a woman who lives a few streets away from me/our family home.

I never, ever thought he would do this. I've defended him to family and friends saying he's stressed/not well/mid life crisis etc. But when I read your story I can see the selfishness/deceit.

It's not our fault. But how can they do this to us?

Big hugs to you and your son xx

Sistersofmercy101 Sat 14-Oct-17 13:07:35

OP the fault lies with your STBX NOT with you or your behaviour.
YOU were putting your childs NEEDS and WELFARE first, this is good responsible parenting and your son is fortunate to have such a caring responsible parent.
Your STBX has failed as a parent and partner being unable to put his sons needs first.
Harsh but ultimately true?

Debbieb70 Sat 14-Oct-17 20:04:12

Thanks ladies for your comments. It's still hurting thinking why and of him with her getting the life he thinks he needed. He now hasn't called my son for nearly two weeks. Nor even sent a message asking how he is. It's as if his life here never existed. How do you justify being like that. What sort of father does that. I just can't comprehend it

FoxesSitOnBoxes Sat 14-Oct-17 20:08:39

Oh Debbie, what a total shit! This isn’t your fault. Who on earth walks away from their child?! Have you got people supporting you in real life?

Debbieb70 Sat 14-Oct-17 20:30:19

Hi FoxesSitOnBoxes
I can't get my head round it. To just totally do a total turnaround from the man I thought he was. To me he's put a new woman and this perfect life before his child. It's baffling in a way.
I've just moved house and luckily it's nearer a good friend. Still it's awful when you wake in the night and it's there again or if your just sitting down and a memory comes

MayorOfOz Sat 14-Oct-17 21:33:24

Hi Debbie, I am in a very similar situation. I have a child with autism and sleep issues, just like you a lot of my time was taken up sorting her out. Partner left a month ago out of the blue. Feel free to PM me for support I know how shit it is. I still wouldn't have changed anything I've done to help my daughter though, I expect her other parent to step up and take responsibility not leave us when the going is tough... flowers for you x

IrritatedUser1960 Sat 14-Oct-17 21:38:26

Don't you DARE blame yourself. Your husband is a massive dick who doesn't want to commit to you or your autistic son but has taken the easy way out. He is not a man. I'm so sorry for you flowers

My husband left me when I was seriously ill in hospital becasue he didn't want to be bothered with all that, it cramped his style. I never blamed myself as that's his problem and I feel I'm better off without him.

You don't need this idiot, you and your son will be better off without him. It's really hard now but in the long run it's for the best and you will be happy again. You bothe deserve a committed man who will stand by you through thick and thin not this person, he is beneath you.

gluteustothemaximus Sat 14-Oct-17 21:49:15

I'm so so sorry for your pain. It's awful awful pain.

I echo again, what other posters have said THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Not even a teeny amount. None whatsoever.

Isn't marriage more than bedtime.

Yes, marriage is much much more than this. Much more than sex. Much more than sleeping together at night (my DH and I do not have the same bedroom, he sleeps in another room and DS2 and I sleep in the same room).

It sounds as though he is not prepared to be a proper parent to your son and a proper husband to you. The fact he hasn't even called to talk to your son speaks volumes.

Sometimes the tough times shows people up for who they really are. It sounds as though he is showing his true colours.

Hope you can find the strength to get through this; you will get through this flowers

FoxesSitOnBoxes Sun 15-Oct-17 19:42:37

Sorry I didn’t reply again last night- DS not sleeping. It is completely baffling. Poor you and poor DS. Do not blame yourself in any way. His behaviour has been completely unforgivable flowers

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