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Husband left me and my son

(17 Posts)
Debbieb70 Tue 03-Oct-17 21:44:55

My husband said he didn't love me anymore. And I totally blame myself. My son has autism and I have to sleep in his room. It's a common thing and I've spoken to other parents who have to do this. Now my husband has left us and I beat myself up all the time telling myself that if only I'd left my son and gone to bed with him each night he'd still be with us. I used to say sometimes you'll go off me and find someone else having to do this and he'd say don't be silly I love you. We did have sex when we could. Maybe not as often as we should but finding time fitting it round a special needs child. My son didn't sleep early another autism trait and a lot of the time by the time he was asleep the husband was snoring in the other room. We used to say that we loved each other. I didn't think anything was wrong. Surely if he felt us drifting he could have spoken to me to try and remedy it. Isn't marriage more than bedtime. He deliberately went to find an ex of his online from 16 years ago as he said he needed someone to talk to and stabbed the knife In further by saying he'd always had feelings for her and she said she had for him. It was worse as I saw a photo of them on Facebook at his dad's 80th birthday party. Which was 2 days afterwards. Who knows what he told them about us but I imagine something along the lines of we weren't a couple anymore for a while and were just together for our son. Now he's with her at the other end of the country back where his family and people he knows are where we were all supposed to move together getting his life back as he says.doing everything without the shackles of a family. And I hurt so much I feel desolate and like my hearts been cut out. And I can't stop thinking of of them together and that's so painful. I've lost him and I blame me but how can you walk away from the son you've seen every day of his life and were the carer for. It would kill me not to see him every day.
Sorry for such a long post

DancingLedge Tue 03-Oct-17 21:48:35

flowers

tattychicken Tue 03-Oct-17 21:50:14

What a fucking tosser.

Mambot Tue 03-Oct-17 22:53:13

I'm so sorry, it really isn't your fault. 100 percent second tattychickens comment.

Thinking of them together is so painful, I know. Try not to go on fb, it is like stabbing yourself in the heart. In years to come, he will be ashamed of doing that no doubt.

He will regret it. Because you are better than him, you sacrifice your own needs for your son. They are both selfish and immature. If you can get to a stage of pity that'd be good.

He has thrown away a family because he was bored. He has just created the biggest regret of his life. It will eat away at him, eventually. Especially when he realizes that OW is just a normal person too. Except she's a normal person with very loose morals and low standards, so it'll be even worse for him to grapple with his self doubt.

Debbieb70 Wed 04-Oct-17 09:21:43

I just feel so devastated and so empty and sad. The feeling in my chest and stomach of a great big churned up anxious weight is terrible. I have to force myself to try and function. The whole family life I knew and thought we'd always have is gone. All the things we've done over the past 10 years as a happy family just go through my mind and make everything worse. I'm 47 now he's 49. I know I did the best for my son and put him first but I should have been sleeping with the husband each night as he might have still loved me then instead of saying he felt like the lodger. He walks away into a perfect life happy and with no worries as if life with me and his son never existed

TryingNotToScream Wed 04-Oct-17 09:28:44

Like you said, marriage is more than a bedtime. Even if you had have went to bed with him every night, your son woukd have been in the other room, perhaps not settled. Would you have been able to stay in bed with your H then?
Marriage is more than a bedtime and sex, and if he can't see that then it's his loss. You are a great mama, looking out for your son.
Who cares what he says to others, if he is out with another woman 2 days later, then ppl will see him for what he is, regardless of what he tells them.
Stay strong, you're a great mama and don't need a tosser bringing you down!
I hope you still have some support from friends and your family!

Debbieb70 Wed 04-Oct-17 11:22:56

I don't have any family here and only a couple of friends who don't live near. I don't drive as he did that. He learnt so we could get my son out and about to take him to places. Now he's taken that away too and the car I bought. He told me we were going to to move to Scotland as a family for a new start. We gave up the tenancy on our house. It turned out he wanted me to move there to share a place with him to be together not in a relationship but so he had my son there and he was still going to be with her. When I found out I came back home with my son. How can you do that. How can you just discard all the years of family life you've had like they didn't exist

Rainbowqueeen Wed 04-Oct-17 11:25:45

flowers
We support you, please keep talking if it helps

Debbieb70 Wed 04-Oct-17 13:14:59

It does help Rainbowqueen. I have no one to talk to and constantly blame myself that I've made the biggest mistake ever not making sure we slept in the same bed every night. It hurts so much he went back to this ex and now he's living this perfect happy life he wanted with so much more in it while me and my son struggle. It's ok for the person that walks away as their happy but they leave so much devastation behind but they just don't care

jumbleblob Thu 05-Oct-17 08:37:00

Debbie take heart 💐 you are still in the bargaining stage of dealing with the grief of losing your old life, blaming yourself and this if only you had done things differently then he would still be with you.

I don't think it would have done, I think he used the situation as an excuse but it doesn't matter because going over it all is just a way of trim to come to terms with it.

This stage will pass and you will begin to feel very angry towards him and although anger isn't great it will move you on from trying to fix the past and you will one day say 'Sod him!!' And you will hold your head high xx

jumbleblob Thu 05-Oct-17 08:38:12

Sorry for bad spelling, writing on a wobbly bus and wearing mittens 😝

maccax Thu 05-Oct-17 19:56:54

We have DS with profound SN.
Long story short....
We are excellent parental team.
We get on.
We love him.
We have no marriage.
No time for Love.
No time for sex.
Other children soon to fly nest....
Then what for us?

I live this life, my choice.
But not sure it was right one.

Your husband can’t cope.....at the moment. You are your sons parents, he needs you both but both of you can only give what you can give at any one time.

I admire you. Be strong for your lad.

Debbieb70 Thu 05-Oct-17 20:34:06

Thanks Maccax
We were a happy family bringing our son up together and then something went wrong. He should have spoken to me about like your meant to do when your married. Especially where there's children involved and more so when they have special needs. You should be a team. He got bored with what he had and needed a new life one of the sort that he thinks it should be like. Getting his life back. He's 50 next year I'm 47. We should have been able to sort things try a bit more time for us but he chose not to speak to me about how he was drifting and he chose to go and look for the ex. She has given him this better life with no encumbrance of a child to get in the way. He's walked straight into a more exciting life, a woman that works and her own home. Leaving me and my son struggling. How does a father just do that I don't know

maccax Thu 05-Oct-17 20:51:09

“How does a father do that?”
I didn’t (so far!) but came very close many times.....as a father of SN I can see how some do just “go.”

Can you access Autism organisation help, some guys to talk to? I think it might help more than chatting here tbh.
I’ve found the “he’s a tosser, wanker” brigade are totally unhelpful in the past.

Debbieb70 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:03:12

You might feel the need for space or to walk away. I never could myself but you don't leave for this new better life and put a woman over your child

SheepyFun Thu 05-Oct-17 22:15:45

I can't imagine what you're going through. But it isn't your fault. DH and I usually sleep in separate rooms at the moment due to medical issues (his, not DD's). Famous last words, but I'm not worried our marriage is about to fail. It's not about your sleeping arrangements.

Debbieb70 Fri 06-Oct-17 20:13:00

Thanks SheepyFun marriage should be more than that I agree. He found his ex again and she offered him what he thought was missing here. I don't just mean sleeping together. He wanted more in his life as he was finding life here boring and she can give him a better life with more to it and back where his family are. He's left one family behind though for this better life his son

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