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No child maintenance (CMS)

(11 Posts)
themuminator Mon 02-Oct-17 10:49:48


I left abusive ex in May (moved out into rented).
Mediation failed because he was bullying me into accepting things that were nowhere near fair.
He paid an amount of maintenance of his choosing. It was shown in mediation that it was half what I needed for the kids.
In August I started CMS claim. He delayed as much as possible.
I've just received a calculation for over double what he was paying.
He can afford it because he is a high earner (£4k pm net)
He hasn't paid the first payment due 25th Sept.
Payment due 2nd Oct not paid either.
I've raised it with CMS who have said they will chase.
He is on holiday in the US right now!
We also have a joint account we can't close because the mortgage payments for the marital home he still lives in go out of it.
He transfers money in to cover the mortgage each month.
It is ALWAYS going over the OD limit.
The mortgage is due to go out today and there is only £9 in the account.

I can see this is financial bullying. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs trying to keep the kids fed and clothed. And to pay for the probably £15k of legal fees.

I had tried to get a non-mol in place, but he contested it saying it was all lies. And now I'm going to have to back down and accept undertakings due to finances. It was nice to have some peace from his incessant harassing emails for a while and to feel safe from him.

Losing my mind a little. Not sure what I'm asking for here, but just a bit of moral support. That it will get better.

I'd quite like to have my share of the equity back soon - or whatever is left after this ridiculous legal battle. It doesn't need to be this way, that is what is so frustrating. But I guess divorcing a narcissist can only ever work the hard way.

Anyone else been there, done that? Or going through it now. Please wave and commiserate.

themuminator Wed 04-Oct-17 11:56:13


I'm really struggling with this financial control now the physical and emotional abuse has finally stopped.

The mortgage payment has now bounced. Still no child maintenance.

It seems like every day is a new assault on me through finances.

Any advice gratefully received.

weehedgehog Wed 04-Oct-17 13:09:54

I hear you. I'm currently going through the same. Have you got a solicitor yet? I suspect that'll be the only thing that works.
Is the mortgage in his name? Speak to your solicitor, but I would be tempted to close down the joint account (which you can do without needing his permission) so that it can't affect your credit rating. If mortgage is in his account, let them chase him.
It's awful. Do start the legal process as soon as possible to get all the finances sorted out asap. Hugs.

themuminator Wed 04-Oct-17 13:31:03

weehedgehog So sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It sucks doesn't it?!

Unfortunately the mortgage is in joint names, so I'm jointly responsible even though I've moved out into rented accoms. He refused to leave (so he could bully me more) even though he actually now pretty much lives in London with his girlfriend when he doesn't have the kids there (2 days per week).

The joint account is also at a massive OD limit. Think it's over £2k. So obviously neither of us wants to actually have to pay that off to close the account!

I do have a solicitor, but everything moves so slowly. He's clearly just spending everything now and dwindling the equity to nothing, so neither of us will end up with a house at the end of this. Not even a teeny tiny one.

We could have just about made an agreement that would enable us both to own a house, but he's a narcissist soooo... !

Fairly soon, I won't be able to afford to rent any more, and so will have to give up my job and house to move back in with parents and having to move kids schools etc.

I don't get how he can't see all of this playing out. If I don't have enough to pay for kids and rent etc, I can't live nearby. If I have to move and lose job, he will have to pay even more!

My only hope right now is that he's just trying to delay to bully me, and that eventually he will cough up!

silkpyjamasallday Wed 04-Oct-17 13:49:25

I am sorry that I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathy OP flowers. There is a special place in hell for men like your ex. DP is constantly giving money to his half siblings mum because his dad is adept at avoiding paying maintenance, and DP isn't willing for them to go without as he would have done as a child if it hadn't been for his mum. Your DC are lucky to have you as their mum and even if they are too young to see their father for what he is now they will eventually see how much of a shit he is. The system needs a major overhaul, as clearly a lot of men think nothing of depriving their offspring of basic needs.

NameWithChange Fri 06-Oct-17 22:22:34

Just wanted to send wineto get you through this crap! I too am being financially raped by a man who has stalled the financial part of our divorce so he can spend his way through an inheritance I knew nothing about after years of financially supporting him.

These men are scum and an awful role model to DCs. May his dick rot and fall off wink

butterfly56 Sat 07-Oct-17 10:31:55

So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this horrendous abuse.

If you take a look at the wikivorce website, you can get lots of help and advice about stuff like this. Ask questions and get some proper advice.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-Oct-17 10:39:48

Is this what a judge has ordered?

Can't you move back into the marital home ?

I would

themuminator Sat 07-Oct-17 12:11:08

QuiteLikely No it isn't court ordered. I left because of physical and emotional/financial abuse. There was not enough evidence for the police to pursue it. I know what you mean about moving back in. If the situation was different and I wasn't terrified of him, then I'd do just that. But even if I could, I couldn't do it for the kids.

Butterfly Thank you. I'm a bit scared of the Wikivorce site! Not least because there seem to be a lot of people on there with strong opinions. I'll brave it and take a look though.

NameWithChange Jeez. I hope your ex's dick rots and falls off too!

silkpjs this system is so frustrating. I've since found out that I have to give him time to pay once he's back from holiday. WTF?! So I can only report it late 5 working days after that. Then I can go onto Collect and Pay and they will take it from his wages....but it could take until January to get the first payment. And of course the massive backlog of maintenance he might just say he can't afford it.
How is this system working for abused women? (who let's face it are the ones who will need to use the CMS instead of making an amicable arrangement)

NameWithChange Sat 07-Oct-17 14:51:30

OP, the system fails the main carer of the children so, so badly - and ultimately of course fails the children. It is shocking. I wish someone like Mumsnet would take up the cause and raise awareness of the damage it causes emotionally and financially to struggling decent parents.

greenberet Sat 07-Oct-17 15:41:00

I'm another one let down by the CMS system and the X using it to continue to financially and emotionally abuse me. He has provided false information which can lead to prosecution - I'm trying to find out if this has ever happened
The continual strain on my MH effects everything else including my kids

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