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Ex is being kind of emotionally abusive / using 4yo DD to manipulate me

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ginting Sun 01-Oct-17 13:26:46

Ex has never had a stable job, drinks too much, smokes cannabis constantly, including around DD (4), was fairly verbally abusive towards me during our relationship and has been since, though now I can just hang up on him if he starts to swear at me. He doesn't like to put anything in writing though,because he likes to cover his ass. However, he has very good relationship with DD, which I am happy about because I like to see DD happy and she is undeniably happy when she is with him. I try to retain as good a relationship with him as possible because I am generally (overly) non confrontational, and really just want my life to be easy and for us to get along and don't want to consign every good memory I had with him to dust.

Now, we split up two years ago, and up until now we have had an arrangement which I think is very reasonable. I have DD during the week for school (previously nursery), he has her for a whole weekend one week, and on Friday night and Saturday the following week. He also sometimes has her on a Thursday night. I don't think it is appropriate for him to have her any more often than this, because I know that he cannot be relied upon to get her to school on time (he doesn't really think school is important), I think it is an excessive disruption to her routine, my daughter has told me he does not always put a helmet on her when he is cycling with her (also not a proper bike seat) and I have concerns about his lifestyle (as mentioned above) and also don't think he gets her to bed on time when he has her (though obviously I have no evidence for this). Anyway, he is pushing for 50/50 - partly because he wants to see her more and partly because he doesn't want to pay child maintenance (which I have had to go to considerable trouble to get anything off him as he thinks if he can't have her more of the time, why should he pay for her. He also won't be forthcoming about his income as I am pretty sure most of it is cash in hand, off the books). When I explained this to him in as non-confrontational way as I could possibly manage (that being my personality fault) he tried to gaslight me - telling me my perspective is unreasonable, crazy, he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, I'm trying to stop him from seeing his daughter etc.

Anyway, DD came home from his today telling me that it is unfair that I don't share her with Daddy, and then explained to me what sharing means (ie that she would be with Daddy one day, me the next, etc.) now, not being delusional I know that my ex has put her up to this. The question is, how am I supposed to handle it?

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