Sleeping separately

[Oopsagain1]

Hi, I have been sleeping dd's bed since dh and I decided to split up. Lawyers have advised that until everything is agreed I should stay in the house if not in danger. He is emotionally abusive but not really physically abusive (just swearing at me in front of the kids, yelling, anger issues occasionally grabbing my arm if he doesn't want me to walk away from an argument). I know he can't throw me out of the house but tonight he just said I am not to sleep with dd anymore because she deserves a good nights sleep (having her welfare at heart). Except he ends his sentence with "do you understand me?". It feels menacing to me. I don't want to sleep in the study until it is tidied up properly. I really want to sleep in dd's bed like I have the past few nights but I'm afraid he will start yelling. Do I have a right to sleep in her bed (she's 5)? Can I insist I will?
No point saying call the police as he tries to grab my phone if it is visible (I've succeeded in calling the police once before). I think if I sleep dd's room he will try to drag me out. If I sleep in the study he will be able to come in and swear and talk at me all night till 3 or 4 in the morning (which has been happening a lot lately) because I can't tell him "not in front of dd" anymore - not that he listens anyway. Dd gave him a lecture this morning about yelling at mummy...I have to be at work tomorrow morning...any advice??

[TimeToTakeAStand]

Cushions on dds floor? Dd gets her bed but you get the protection (for want of a better term) of being with her.

By his argument that should be fine and may buy you a couple of nights to make better plans?

Tomorrow speak to your solicitor, buy a blow up for dds room and a payg phone to hide in case he grabs yours

[MrsBertBibby]

What happened in the end OP. Are you OK?

[jeaux90]

You don't have to do as he asks. Under these emotionally abusive situations you end up being so conditioned to behave according to their demands that saying no seems a big issue. You could order a blow up bed if it's a compromise but sleep in her room.

Hope you are ok. Stay strong.

[Oopsagain1]

Well, it seems everyone dh's spoken to says I should leave her alone so I shall be decamping to the study and making the sofabed my new bed...who knows what tonight will bring.
Great idea about the payg phone - never thought of it. Shall look into that. Just have to decide on a place to hide it. I mean he will find it strange if I run off and suddenly look under a fridge or something...any ideas? Bathroom I guess, where I usually lock myself.
I keep convincing myself that he is just angry and will calm down but I can't get out of my head the time he broke the bathroom lock when his 14yr old daughter was hiding in there from him (just like I do now). I don't know the circumstances but can behaviour like that EVER be excused?! I must stress that he has never hit me, just yelling and swearing or saying mean things.
He keeps justifying it by saying "I did tell you that I can't promise never to get angry" - but there's angry and ANGRY surely??

[MrsBertBibby]

Why the fuck does "everyone else" get to tell you what to do?

[Oopsagain1]

MrsB, I guess I'm afraid the court or whoever decides these things will determine that I did not put my kids welfare first and that the kids should stay with dh. I mean it is a single bed and she does have to go to school. I should let her get a good nights sleep if I can - we do have another room I can technically sleep in so I should show willing...
I think he's afraid she becomes too dependent on me and the decision will be made that the kids should live with me.
As predicted, dh came and sat in the study to "talk" to me and refused to leave until I threatened to go and sleep in dd's bed if he did not leave. Then I shut the door and he continued to talk outside, but it was easier to ignore him.
I told him I will put a lock on the door and he said "don't flatter yourself".
Dd yelled at a really sweet boy till he cried today. I hope it's not a consequence of all she has witnessed. I don't know how much they see or hear and to what extent they are asleep or awake in their rooms...

[NotSureIfiAmWell]

Are you going to put a lock on the door? Or for the time being get a doorwedge so you can wedge the door closed

[Desmondo2016]

He's been violent (a grabbed arm is assault). You fear violence (locking yourself in bathroom).

1. woman's aid
   
2. police
   
3. discuss non molestation or occupation order .
   
   Potentially he could be forced to leave the house (occupation order/ bail conditions / DVPN) and you can sleep in your bed where you deserve to be.
   
   Your dd is witnessing too much. This needs to change and he won't be the one to change it despite his pretence of having her best interests at heart.