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How long does the grief last?

(6 Posts)
Deadsouls Fri 22-Sep-17 23:06:51

Okay so the title of this thread is a bit of a rhetorical question as I know it's different for everyone.

But I'm looking for some glimmers of hope that one day I'll stop feeling so so sad about my divorce.

The details are too long to go into here, but suffice to say I find it difficult to not keep looking backwards and wishing I'd/we'd tried harder to keep the marriage together. No one wants divorce I don't think. I seem to be in this deep sadness that I can't shake off. I miss 'family' time and togetherness. I don't greatly enjoy being a single mother. I've been finding it hard to adjust and I look at other families and just feel sad.

My ex-DH had an affair for 9 months which I only found out when the OW decided to contact me out of the blue on Facebook to talk. (Very kind of her - not!). The marriage was broken before that and I fully acknowledge my part - probably too much.

I feel I was numb for a couple of years and didn't feel much about the divorce until fairly recently when like a ton of bricks the pain of it all has hit me. Now I feel I'm just in a well of grief that seems never ending.
I know I don't help myself by being and feeling fairly isolated but it's hard to push myself out of my shell when I feel this way.

Surely this has to change at some point. At the moment I feel so empty and alone.

nomoreheroesanymore Sat 23-Sep-17 08:13:01

Sorry for what you're going through.

I'm 5 years down the line and won't someone who makes me happy. But I still have pangs of grief now. Still have the what-ifs. Still think maybe we could have made it work. I think he does too - but he's more pragmatic than me.

The reality is that to go back would open a massive can of worms.

It does get better - it really does. The grief becomes less and you have a new normal.

For yo, you have to think that he adjusted the 'normal' by having the affair. Plus as you said, the relationship wasn't great to lead to that in the first place. The alternative would be to forgive and forget .... could you really have done that?

It's so tough. I feel for you! It helped me that friends have gone through it too in the few years since. Take care - good days and bad days at first!

flowers

Onlymeeeeee Sat 23-Sep-17 19:39:02

Sorry, but I'm 2 weeks post-initial divorce papers to court and I cannot imagine feeling sad. I'm relieved our marriage is over and I can't wait until he is forced to move his fat slug self out of the house, even if it means I have to sell up. I just don't want to see him, speak to him or think about his existence. Maybe I'm not as far along the process, so far my only regret is reconciliation after the birth of our son.

user1493423934 Wed 27-Sep-17 21:50:44

No advice sorry but flowers. I'm following this thread - newly separated.

leftbehindspouse Thu 28-Sep-17 19:56:09

Also nearly divorced. Very sad? Yes, more for my teenagers than me. I try and think of all the positives though... my 2 fantastic teenage kids ( who are disgusted with their dad and hate his girlfriend), being healthy, having great supportive friends, having a job, and just looking forward to being me again, not having to be criticised (for my hair, for not exercising etc), not having to live with all his mess and crap. As one door closes, another door opens and it might be even better!! smile

yogagirl22 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:18:38

I am so sorry you still feel so sad. I recently moved out after a previous six month seperation but this time final and getting a divorce. But having done a lot of greiving the first time I realise how hard it is. Maybe why this time easier but I also got proffesional help first time around. Do you know about stages of grief? When I got CBT and counselling they explained grief not a straight line you bounce back and forth the stages until you reach acceptance. Also negative thinking I am aware that I was catastrophising as in I will never be happy again! Black and white thinking and ruminating on past. Please get some help now if your grief has turned into depression and negative thinking. I am reading the Paul Mckenna book it been very helpful. Have a really good cry dedicate a whole weekend to greiving watch sad films but then plan simple pleasures for you. I really hope you feel better. Its shit isnt it and I felt so bad the first time I went back rather than go through the pain. But I realise its a process that cant be sped through. I found a gratitude journal helped too and plenty of sleep. Greiving is an exhausting business so sending virtual hug for you flowers

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