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Help ! Am I missing something?

(21 Posts)
Despicabletwatmorelike Tue 19-Sep-17 16:37:32

NC for this but regular poster on here.

Divorce in process, applying for absolute in about four weeks hopefully, family house completing week on Friday and my DS and I are moving into my new house. Despicable exw narc been mouthing off about how our son wants his daddy to come into MY house to cuddle on the bed with him, show him his room/new toys etc. Ex using emotional blackmail saying we both have to agree to this for the sake of our child or he will be fucked up if we don't. Also he doesn't want to be 'one of those dads that drops off and picks up at the front door'! That was exactly my plan as he is a vile agressive, manipulative tw@t who I want as far out of my life as is possible! However, I had no intention of telling him this until I was out of this house because of his hideous aggressive abusive nature. So I've obviously alluded to this today and he says I'm being selfish, we need to show our son we can be civil (I cannot even bring myself to be remotely civil to him at the moment as I despise him that much). Am I being unreasonable here and failing to take my son into account? I feel like I'm missing something here why we cannot agree as adults that, given we are divorcing (affair and gambling addiction on his part) we do handovers at the front door? He's a habit of confusing me so much with his shit that I actually doubt my own sanity and decision making. Views would be much appreciated. Anyone with any experience with this type of handover, would be appreciated in terms of how your child reacted to it! Thankyou

OP’s posts: |
MrsBertBibby Tue 19-Sep-17 19:33:34

Good Lord no. Keep him on the doorstep. That's what doorsteps were invented for.

If he can't behave on the doorstep, push him back to the front gate.

My son's dad has barely set foot over my threshold, son couldn't give a monkey's.

Afterthestorm Tue 19-Sep-17 19:38:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 19-Sep-17 19:44:01

Just tell your son he needs to be ready when his dad comes to collect him so they don't waste their time together. Job done, in a supportive way - and if DS is all ready (shoes on, coat there, bag at the door if needed), there is no need for X to come in.
If X says anything at handover about seeing his room, calmly say that you thought they would want to be going so they can spend as much time together as possible.
Otherwise, stick to passing over any information needed whilst DS is leaving.
If X bangs on about it, repeat about time, but if you feel like it, you could say you and DS will take a picture of his room so X can see it just make sure it's up to show home standards so you're not giving him any leeway to have a dig at you.

Rainybo Tue 19-Sep-17 19:47:49

No way. I hate ex-H even being on the doorstep to be honest because he cranes to get a good look into my house.

Don't let him control you.

Despicabletwatmorelike Tue 19-Sep-17 22:25:48

Ladies thank you so much for your replies 😘😘. I feel better for knowing Its not unreasonable for me to set this boundary and for reinforcing to me that he is just a controlling bully. I shall remember your words when the shit next hits the fan!

OP’s posts: |
Namechanger2015 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:28:25

I do doorstep handovers with my 3 and have done for the past 3 years. They are none the worse for it, they don't question it at all.

I agree he is going for your weak point. No way should you feel like you have to let him into your house.

Despicabletwatmorelike Tue 19-Sep-17 22:37:12

Thank you also name changer.

He will be going for my weak point because hes lost control of me in every other aspect. It's all he has left now and I have to make sure that this won't work either. Balls of steel required me thinks angry

OP’s posts: |
FoxyinherRoxy Tue 19-Sep-17 22:41:28

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

This is your chance to set them. Your DS will understand that you and your ex have broken up, but 'mummy and daddy' are not broken.

DS will have his own room at his dads house presumably?

SummerflowerXx Tue 19-Sep-17 22:44:02

You don't even need to do the handover at your house - a neutral venue is perfectly acceptable.

Despicabletwatmorelike Tue 19-Sep-17 22:45:52

Dad doesn't have anywhere to live yet...... looking for somewhere to rent at the moment. currently sofa surfing and stays here twice a week to see DS. If he doesn't have his own room when daddy grows up and takes responsibility, he will sleep with him in his bed!!

OP’s posts: |
beingsunny Tue 19-Sep-17 23:57:38

In an amicable split then this would be a lovely way to show your son you still care for each other and are still a family albeit in a different shape.

However it doesn't sound as though this would be at all good for you and there is no reason to bring this kind of stress to your safe place.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 16:33:39

Imo your ds needs a happy dm more than he needs a twat df in your home.

MissyTB Wed 20-Sep-17 17:42:14

My STBXH told me that the reason he treated me so bad was because I didn't put enough boundaries in place to prevent it

He is desperate to be allowed into my new house once I get it. I'm be told him no repeatedly but he still has no respect for me and thinks he can walk all over me

I won't be backing down

NotSureIfiAmWell Thu 21-Sep-17 20:00:20

No way. Do NOT let him in. This is your home. You have a right to feel safe and unviolated in it.

He will try anything to get in...needs the toilet, feels unwell etc but stay strong and say no.

I am currently still in the family home abd my ex still owns the house but he doesn't come in without permission even though legally l couldn't stop him anyway

Despicabletwatmorelike Wed 27-Sep-17 10:28:06

Ladies, sorry Taking ages to come back ... crazy busy packing house up! Thank you so much for all of you that have replied. It is all about boundaries and having had difficulty with those personally anyway and having married a narc who doesn't even understand what that people do have boundaries, it's a difficult one for me. Still have to check in with friends as to what's reasonable or not. BUT you have made me realise that this is one boundary that needs setting outright and I'm not being unreasonable. I can do this... wish me luck and thankyou all again! smile

OP’s posts: |
Fresh8008 Wed 27-Sep-17 17:09:03

Crikey as others have said, do not let him past the doorstep. Down that path disaster lies. Confusing messages to your DC will upset him even more.

In he beginning a neutral venue is even better until everyone is used to the transfer. Would add that any info needing to be exchanged should be done via email and not at exchange. Civility is best achieved when you minimize seeing and speaking to ex.

RaspberryBeret34 Wed 27-Sep-17 17:13:29

Front door step is absolutely fine for your son. And essential for you. My DS wants to get rid of the other parent quickly, he doesn't like it if we need to talk as he wants to transition and it's confusing for him to have both of us around.

Autumnskiesarelovely Wed 27-Sep-17 18:54:14

No, how horrible manipulating your son. Stand firm. Don't get into reasons. Just a polite no.

MissyTB Fri 29-Sep-17 12:58:01

If that ask to come in just to use the loo, how do you stick with no? It seems callous (which is why they use it as an accuse)

Goldmandra Fri 29-Sep-17 13:27:00

I've known two families where the non resident parent came in and put the child to bed after contact. In both cases it had the stop because the child was confusing this with the possibility of that parent moving back in.

Children just need to know what the arrangements are and for them to be stable.

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