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Bare minimum Dads ☹️

(25 Posts)
ELS2016 Sat 16-Sep-17 12:47:39

Having one of those days and could do with a rant!
FED UP of raising my children by myself. Feeling like the non residential parent should be made to take responsibility. I don't understand how a parent can think it's okay to have their child 4 days a month and offer no help or support at all in between those weekends.
Anyone else had the same problem? I feel like I'm literally screaming for help but nobody listens or cares 😭

DuchessMinnie Sat 16-Sep-17 13:36:29

I hear you. My exH is a waste of space regarding the children. He doesn't know any of their friends, has never done any homework with them etc. Basically does his 4 days a month and offloads them again, muttering about how difficult his life is. He is quick to criticise if he thinks I've not communicated yet it's bloody hard trying to keep on top of everything.

It's exhausting doing everything. It doesn't seem fair that the NRP can just drop all responsibility does it?

ELS2016 Sat 16-Sep-17 14:27:35

Yep I just can't get my head round the selfishness. How can somebody think seeing their kids 4 days a month is good, responsible parenting!? It's making me a very bitter person and I hate that ☹️

DuchessMinnie Sat 16-Sep-17 14:41:00

I know- and mine was actually a good dad when we were married. If someone had told me then that a few years down the line he'd hardly see his children I wouldn't have believed them. I don't know how he can bear not being involved with their lives and going for weeks on end without seeing them.

At work recently we were told we had to go to Paris for a 5 day course- Monday to Friday. I felt so panicky and explained that my xh wouldn't help with the children to allow me to go and my boss just stared at me and said Well just tell him he's got the kids that week. Ah, if only!

user748239573 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:59:09

I feel your frustration in a different way as I'm a dad - and I hear all the time about NRP fathers being absolutely useless and seeing their kids 4 days or less a month, my ex-BIL a prime example.

I'm trying to get 50/50 shared care and do loads for my children, and yet my ExW is trying to get the amount of time I see them down to 4 days a month..... The injustice of it all is making me a wreck

NordicNoirRocks Wed 20-Sep-17 18:40:02

Hear hear. XP has DC 2 nights/month, does not do any school dropoffs or collections, and pays the CMS minimum, currently £15/child as he’s unemployed. Has never helped with cost of school clothes, does not take them on holiday.

BeautifulLiar Wed 20-Sep-17 18:43:10

Yup, I get it. ExH has seen the DC twice in over six months (last time was in June). He hasn't paid a penny since March either. Luckily I have a fab DP who does more than exH ever did!

cakesandphotos Wed 20-Sep-17 18:45:35

My dad was (still is) a bare minimum dad. Just know that your DC will value their relationship with you vastly more as they grow up. My mum did an amazing job without much help from him and I fully appreciate that smile

Ttbb Wed 20-Sep-17 18:46:01

The word you are looking for is shit. They're shot dads.

BeautifulLiar Wed 20-Sep-17 19:05:49

cakes really? I hope so sad

cakesandphotos Wed 20-Sep-17 19:30:14

BeautifulLiar that's certainly my experience. I've never once spent Christmas or my birthday with my dad and I haven't seen the man since February, and before that it was over a year. I see my mum at least twice a week. I don't think kids are daft when it comes to things like this. I knew very early on (he left when I was 6 months old) that my dad wasn't like other dads. I realise this might upset DC depending on their age when he left but they'll always remember it was you who watched their school play or celebrated with them when they achieved, stayed up when they were sick. He's missing his kids childhood and that's his loss

BeautifulLiar Wed 20-Sep-17 20:16:14

Thanks cakes. It's definitely his loss. He prefers going out drinking. But I adore being a parent!

onanotherday Thu 21-Sep-17 01:15:08

my dcs dad moved miles away..relies on his dm to bring him to see kids...so seen them twice this year😕😤

slightlycross Thu 21-Sep-17 01:24:13

I completely get it... my delightful ex hasn't seen kids for nearly a month and is making no effort to arrange to see them next 😔 Nearly at my wits end...

22WR Tue 26-Sep-17 19:28:59

My daughters father was like this. I'd literally beg him not to let my daughter down again but still he'd text last minute to cancel. He reduced the time he saw her while still maintaining it was my fault. My daughter just got used to the fact that he wasn't there. Eventually she decided she'd rather go to an after school activity on one of the days she was supposed to spend with him. He didn't take kindly to this and instead blamed me, kicked our front door down and took her physically away. I had to call the police to get her. Ultimately she decided there and then she didn't want to see him anymore. That was almost 5 years ago and despite him living within a mile of us, he's never once fought to see her. He was abusive to me and refused to accept it was my daughter's choice. His lack of action just shows he was never really that bothered anyway. My daughter's now 11 and calls my husband 'dad'. I beat myself up for a long tim me fearing my daughter would worry it was her fault but despite her young age she actually seems to understand that some people will never be the person you need them to be and that that is their problem not yours.

In short, as infuriating as it is, as a previous poster said, your children will grow up and realise who was there for them and give little thought or time to those that weren't.

Crazycatladyx5 Sun 01-Oct-17 10:11:55

My ex is like this. He left me for someone else & for the first few months let our daughter down regularly to spend time with the woman he had just moved in with. Things settled & he had her every other Sat night & picked her up from school 2 nights a week. In summer term I had a training day (shes at my school as had to move her there when he left cos he used to do all school runs) so I asked him to look after her, his reply "Im the bairns dad, not your childminder so you can go to work." He refused to have her in the summer hols so I could attend my uncle's funeral. The night before Autumn term started he messaged to say he was dropping his Thursday night cos he was fed up of me dictating when he sees her! So he's taken that out on her & sees her less. He's not doing anything instead on a Thurs night but he knew I had a meeting & then went to SW (where I've lost nearly 9stones since Feb) so he's made it an awkward night for me cos our ASC is full.
He only wants to do the fun things & not take responsibility. When she is at his he doesn't play with her or take her out much but let's her play on her PlayStation most of the weekend. He was the same when he lived with us. In the summer we were away with her friends & she noticed how much their dads played with them....it made me really sad when she talked about it. He only works part time...2 sleepover shifts a week so I get minimum maintenance & he buys nothing extra... his gf has tons of money. He should be able to dedicate his time & attention on her when he has her but doesnt. I work in a full time demanding job but still do all the homework & play with her . He has always had a problem with my career ...he thinks I shouldn't work so I can always be there for our daughter.. ..I want to show her thats its good to be independent & work for your living....plus I have to work to provide for her.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Sun 01-Oct-17 10:34:20

It''s the lack of co-operation to achieve good co-parenting (so not 50:50 split) that is a big theme here. Otherwise it is merely parallel parenting. I have been asking Women's Aid to look at this as one of their campaigns. I feel that if family courts, cafcass, social workers, schools etc understood that lack of co-operation over children is a sign of low level abuse, and dealing with it early things would be better for many of us. If you agree please contact them as well.

Crazycatladyx5 Sun 01-Oct-17 10:49:30

Totally agree about the lack of communication....but my ex often refuses to answer emails or texts as he "had to answer to me for 10 years" & now doesn't live with me so doesn't have to ...so he won't.. .even if you text to say our daughter's left her waterproof in your car & needs it to go on holiday"....no response & no coat returned for the holiday. I email about school work & what we need to help her with & it's ignored. If anyone can get him to meet me halfway it would be great.

22WR Sun 01-Oct-17 11:52:54

I completely relate to all of the themes mentioned on this thread and even thinking about them gain makes me angry. There's seems to be a misplaced judgement that possibly cooperating is 'giving in' to us, and that any requests or suggestions are to be ignored at all costs, even when this has a detrimental impact on the children.

Crazycatladyx5 Sun 01-Oct-17 13:19:15

22WR
That describes my ex exactly. Yet he keeps telling me I'm a bad parent! Cos I work full time to provide for my child & need to use child care before & after school to do that. He works 2 sleepover shifts a week yet won't travel 10 miles to take her to the docs tomorrow. He has suggested keeping her at his tonight & taking her to his nearby walk in centre cos she still constipated, & I asked him to take her back to doc tomoz cos I had to take time off work to take her there on Friday! He says as I clearly can't cope (??!!) She should live with him!

22WR Sun 01-Oct-17 14:51:41

Crazycatladyx5 sorry to hear your little one's not too good. Hope she feels better soon.

I think that them making out we're bad parents is their way of making themselves feel better about their lack of parenting skills. I know despite my ex telling me repeatedly otherwise that I've always done my best when it comes to my daughter. Like you, this has included working full time and using childcare. I realised a long time ago that I couldn't rely on him for anything, even when he insisted I could, so I just stopped expecting anything from him and made arrangements myself. In the end this proved to be the best way as we were never left in the lurch or disappointed. Don't get me wrong it's been difficult, physically, financially and mentally, but I need never feel as though my daughter or I need his assistance. This, I think, infuriates him. After years of emotional abuse, he despises the reality that actually we can and do cope without him.

It sounds like maybe your ex is feeling the same resentment at the fact that you're managing well without him.

Crazycatladyx5 Sun 01-Oct-17 15:04:21

Funny you should say that 22WR as his attitude towards me, while it's never been great, has got much worse in the last couple of months .....coincidentally the time I have been really happy again....Ive lost nearly 9 stone since Feb, I've started exercising again....Im so much more confident & happier.. .& I've met a wonderful guy.....our daughter gets on great with him & his son......ex does not seem to think the new me should be happy.

22WR Sun 01-Oct-17 16:46:33

Good for you. Whenever I'd let him get me down, my mum would always say "the best revenge you can get is by being happy."

LittleBooInABox Sun 01-Oct-17 17:02:45

My ex has had his son 4 days in 6 years! Useless articles, but the rewards are worth it. In the end.

22WR Sun 01-Oct-17 19:06:45

Just read this and totally related to it

theunicorninblack.com/2017/09/30/im-not-even-sorry-that-you-miss-your-daughter/

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