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Help... how can I make him communicate!!

(22 Posts)
ChocoMunchi Tue 05-Sep-17 19:00:10

I have been separated since March 17, was married for 19 years and have 3 DC. After several years of being up happy in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship and several attempts to leave previously I finally plucked up the courage to leave and not go back. First few month were horrendous and several calls to the police following harassment, verbally abusive and threatening behaviour from my STBXH. Who would deny this and says he is a good husband!!

Things did settle down as long as a refrained from any contact. I want to move things on and progress with the divorce. He demanded that I put the house on the market as he said he would never agree on a settlement unless I moved out of the family home even though the children live with me. So I did the work on the house and it sold within two weeks.

Now he is just ignoring my messages email and text. I don't want to meet with him face to face as this result in a barrage of abuse and aggression from him. Previously just a simple text has resulted in a barrage of abusive messages until early hours in the morning.

I know I can get a mortgage and I've found a house. But I can't get him to communicate. I can't afford massive solicitors bills and buy a house and survive on a days to day basis. Any advice on how I can do this without it costing me an absolute fortune in solicitors letters? How do I get him to communicate?

OP’s posts: |
Poshindevon Tue 05-Sep-17 21:14:35

I cannot believe that you have taken no legal advice and just sold the house.
Selling of assets is the ancillary matters attached to the divorce along with child maintence etc.
You need to seek imediate legal advice.
How did you expect to divorce without a solicitor?

ChocoMunchi Wed 06-Sep-17 00:22:21

I do have a solicitor but stupidly thought we could come to an agreement amicably without the huge expense of ongoing solicitors fees.

Clearly this isn't the case and I will be making another appointment tomorrow to seek guidance.

The sale isn't finalised so I can still take the house off the market as it stands.

OP’s posts: |
AcrossthePond55 Wed 06-Sep-17 03:50:45

Can you stall finalization of the sale until after you've seen the solicitor? It's really imperative that you get legal advice well before the sale closes. If you can't stall, then back out of the sale.

Your ex is an abusive cunt. He will never make this easy for you. He will do everything he can to make it as hard as possible. For you, a good solicitor is an absolute necessity and worth their weight in gold.

FV45 Wed 06-Sep-17 05:09:22

I'm afraid the law feeds out of the hands of those who use delaying or ignoring to emotionally abuse you.

Only way to make him move on with the divorce is via solicitors letters or court - both time consuming, expensive and utterly draining.

Sorry. Been there.

Firefries Wed 06-Sep-17 05:14:41

Yeah sorry it will work in his favour if he keeps delaying. Halt proceedings and stay put.

LilySwamp Wed 06-Sep-17 05:18:42

These people are worth a try, they give free legal advice over the phone, OP

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

ChocoMunchi Wed 06-Sep-17 05:51:53

Yeah I can try and stall for a little while as I've already explained to the buyers that I need to find a house and won't be able to move into rented. Which they are fine about and are willing to wait a little while but obviously won't hang about for months.

Hopefully I'll be able to see my solicitor fairly soon. But this is totally about him trying to control me and hang on for as long as possible to cause as much pain and anxiety as possible. He didn't want to separate and he knows I'm surviving without him and once the house is sold he will have no control over me at all. Which is part of the reason I want to sell even though I could probably afford to stay in the family home on my own. He said he would never settle if I stayed in the family home doesn't want me living there. Surely that's not his choice if I can afford it?

There should be tighter timescales that have to be kept to in situations like this to not allow the abuse to continue. I'm not going to let him grind me down.

Thanks for the link @LilySwamp I'll try to give them a call not heard of them before.

OP’s posts: |
OliviaBenson Wed 06-Sep-17 05:55:41

Do not leave the family home!!

You need legal advice pronto but if he's being like this you need to prepare to go to court.

OliviaBenson Wed 06-Sep-17 06:00:31

Ps it's all about control. If you sold the house and did agree on what to do, he'd then find something else to exert his control. You need to take back the control and go to court. It's the only way.

Also be wary of mediation- I think you can refuse it if there has been abuse.

FV45 Wed 06-Sep-17 06:47:36

Lily have you ever been able to get through to rights of women?
I never did.

schoolgaterebel Wed 06-Sep-17 07:06:07

Get yourself some decent legal advice immediately.

Do not proceed with the sale.

OverOn Wed 06-Sep-17 10:49:55

I agree with PP - do not sell the house until you have legal advice and have set out a financial agreement.

He is not on your side and he will find other things to stall / moan about even if you do sell. Don't give up the security of your home (for your DC sake) until you have everything tightented up legally.

OverOn Wed 06-Sep-17 10:52:30

You should be taking the view that the house IS part of the settlement by the way, not listening to him saying he won't settle unless you move first.

Your settlement could be that you sell the house and take x percentage of the proceeds each. By making this part of the settlement, it's clear who gets what and you get everything done and dusted, with the security of knowing that what you have in the settlement is yours to keep.

ChocoMunchi Wed 06-Sep-17 11:12:26

Unfortunately my solicitor went on holiday today for a week so I can't see her until 18/9.

But you're all right I'm not going to sell until I've got a settlement. I will just have to explain to the buyers and if they want to wait they will and if not then I'll have to take the chance if another buyer comes along when I'm ready to sell.

If I did sell he would just keep stalling and finding reasons not to agree a settlement. He knows I have nowhere else to live with the DC. Whilst he is living rent free for as long as he wants with his brother in a bachelor pad. Does nothing to help or support the kids, hasn't seen them for months, only thing he is doing is continuing to pay some DD because they are in his name he has even telephoned the bank and tried to get them transferred into my bank account which he has no access to fortunately.

Asked him to go half on a school trip he refused even though he earns twice as much as me and is currently transferring £2k every month into a new account he has set up for him self!

OP’s posts: |
AcrossthePond55 Wed 06-Sep-17 13:37:12

If you can afford to stay in the house I think you'd be wise to do so.

Can you afford to remortgage and buy him out?

ChocoMunchi Wed 06-Sep-17 14:06:51

@AcrossthePond55 it depends on what % he gets in the settlement. If it was a straight 50/50 split then probably not but if I can get more % then I could yes.

I had originally wanted to do this and he did sign papers with the mortgage company consenting to starting the process for me getting eligibility checks. But he withdrew this a week later and said he wouldn't allow me to stay in the house and demanded I put it up for sale. Which I did more so just because I thought it was easier just to sell and then maybe I could move on a little quicker and have no ties to him apart from the DC.

But if it's going to end up in court I might as well dig my heels in and fight to stay in the house. Child maintenance is another issue he says he will only pay the minimum and it will be on his basic salary, although he gets a regular monthly bonus every month which he has done consistently for over 3 years since being in his current job.

OP’s posts: |
XJerseyGirlX Wed 06-Sep-17 14:11:44

Stay in the house OP, he isn't keeping to his part of the "verbal" deal and will continue to screw you and the kids around.

Dig your heels in.. im afraid you have to play the game :-( as if he is the only once playing he will win. Not ideal I know.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 06-Sep-17 16:52:03

Get the best (and toughest) solicitor you can find then ask for the moon. Work it down from there if you have to.

As far as his bonuses, do you have tax or pay records to prove the past bonuses and the regularity of them?

Maybe it's just the way you're wording things, but it sounds to me as if when he says something is such-and such, you simply accept his word that it's so. Maybe you could do that in the past, but from now on you must realize that everything he says, even something seemingly off the wall or unimportant, is a bald-faced lie or an attempt at manipulation. In other words, when he says XXX, you immediately think 'what's the opposite of that?', especially regarding finances of any kind. Because that's probably closer to the truth. Every single thing he says will be heavily weighted in his own favour. If he says "You will only get 50% if you take this to court" rest assured that you will probably get 70%, iyswim.

Do you still have joint finances? You need to keep records of every single transaction he makes that transfers money away from the family. If you don't have a separate account, get one. Start stashing money away as best you can.

It's in his best interests to drag this out as long as he can. It's in your best interests to keep things moving.

ChocoMunchi Thu 07-Sep-17 00:08:14

@AcrossthePond55 it is very true what you say. I realise he has been manipulating and controlling for years. Almost certainly since the start which is why it's taken me so long to leave. I kick myself every time I keep falling for it. I have to get tougher and start playing the game.

We do still have a joint account but I don't spend any money out of the account. I have a separate account that he doesn't have access to which my salary goes into, it's been my one saving grace or he would've had me totally penny less by now. I have been printing monthly statements of transactions so can show he's been withdrawing large sums of money every month into another account.

He has tried to make me on several occasion give him money, which is just ridiculous when I don't have anything spare at the end of the month after covering basic necessaries such as food and yet he has £1500+ moved out of the account every month. He's also bought a brand new car since we separated but claims he doesn't have any money.

I just wish I'd pursued the legal root from the start instead of thinking we could be amicable and fair.

OP’s posts: |
AcrossthePond55 Thu 07-Sep-17 02:38:35

@ChocoMunchi They can really do our heads in, can't they? Don't kick or blame yourself. You were dealing with someone who has finely honed their 'craft'. We've all been there to one extent or another.

The thing to remember is that you've 'wised up' now. And it sounds as if you've got your head around things. I have a feeling his moving money and buying the car is (he thinks) a way to make himself look 'poor'.

I'm in the US so I don't know all the ins and outs of the UK system but if you haven't started a claim for child maintenance, you may want to do that now. Or at least raise the issue with your solicitor when you see them next week. And mention the moving around of money, too.

I know there's some type of CM calculator you can use to see what you'd get. Hopefully someone will post a link to it.

Emily0007 Mon 18-Sep-17 07:34:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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