Ex's access to my son

[Strong81]

Please help. I have a six month old baby boy conceived via IVF. After my baby was born my husband went into meltdown. Gambling, drinking, taking cocaine (he did this before the baby occasionally but I put it down to the stresses of not being able to conceive). When baby was4 months I couldn't take anymore. Mainly because he is an aggressive drunk, he would scream and shout and bang on the front door in the early hours with the baby in the house. He even had a fist fight with his brother in my living room when I was upstairs looking after his 6 day old baby. Anyway, I've left and am now divorcing him. My husband's father is exactly the same and I couldn't forgive myself if my son grew up to think that is normal. Since then, he's been aggressive and vile when picking the baby up. He lets me down every weekend that he says he's having him, then at a drop of a hat during the week he comes to pick him up during the week and spouts abuse at my mother and I saying he can have him whenever he wants. I've also found out that he was in the house and out of his head on cocaine when the baby was five weeks old. His parents are alcoholics, but he still takes him round there when he has him even though I have told him not to. I have said he can see him whenever he wants as long as he is civil, that is all I ask but he's not listening. It's starting to make me ill, and as my son gets older he is going to witness the way his dad speaks to women, this is why I left him! My mum thinks I should stop him from seeing my son, the last thing I wanted was to be that type of ex partner, but I honestly don't know what else to do? My greatest fear is that my son will turn into a moron just like his father :-(

[NewIdeasToday]

I don't know anything about the legal situation. But why would you allow a cocaine user to take your precious baby round to his alcoholic parents' house???

I would call social services and get their advice.

Well done for getting your son and yourself out of this relationship.

[chrisnalex]

Myself and my ex have been split up almost two years. We have a 12 year old child and were together for 13 year's. I have actively encouraged access throughout this time and at times it goes well and at other times it's pretty much non existent. It really does depend on how things are within his current relationship as to seeing our child. I am tired of trying to get this to be consistent. He walked out on us to be with the partner he is with now and finding out that they had been having a affair for a few months before he left. Whilst his current partner doesn't object to him seeing his child she makes it difficult all round. She absolutely hates him having to come to my home to collect him, wont allow me to drop him at his dad's house and basically doesn't like the idea of my exhhaving to have anything to do with me. It's causing problems and all I want is my ex to maintain consistent access. Its got to the point where I don't feel comfortable with my ex coming here and I cannot drop him to his dad's. Both of these just seem to create unnecessary drama. Any suggestions on how we progress and sort this. Its my first time on the forum and I would appreciate all advice
many thanks
Christine

[NotSureIfiAmWell]

chrisnalex - you need to start your own thread. This is the OP's thread for her problems.

[Neverknowing]

That's awful op?! How scary. You need to contact SS and tell them this, your son could be seriously hurt while with his dad. I think him turning out like him is the least of your problems for the moment.
I would also be sending him a long but civil email stating a contact arrangement and saying he won't be able to just turn up at your door anymore. This way if he takes you to court you can prove you have tried your best to allow him to see your child but you had to be firm as he has a schedule and you need to know. You can even say in the email that then it gives him time to 'sober up' and you will not be handing your son over if he is drunk or high.
Even if SS don't do anything at least you will have recorded it with them so if anything does happen and you need to stop contact that may help?
I don't know a lot about the law here by the way I just think this will cover your back. Also well done on leaving such a twat, I imagine it can't be easy

[Strong81]

Thank you both for your advice. Believe me if I could stop him from taking the baby I would, but I have a very close friend who is having the same problems and the court system has allowed contact despite his drug abuse because he flatly denies this. However, after reading this I feel it's time to wake up and realise that my son will be better off without that sort of person in his life, despite the fact that he is his dad, so I'll be getting my own legal advice on how to stop contact. I've never handed him over when my ex has been drunk or high, hence why he has kicked off outside the house multiple times. My family have been telling me to do the same things as you've advised, I just needed an outside opinion which has helped a lot, thank you.

[glenthebattleostrich]

Every time he kicks off outside your house call 101. Give them a call now and ask to speak to their domestic violence unit.

Offer supervised contact in a contact centre and get some legal advice.

[twattymctwatterson]

I'm not sure that courts will stop contact for this but I would definitely get some advice. Call the police and get it logged every time he's abusive and have as little direct contact with him as possible.

[Neverknowing]

Well done on getting legal advice, you sound very proactive and I really hope this gets better soon. You sound such an asset to your son. Good luck !

[butterfly56]

Speak to the Police about how to go about reporting these numerous violent outbursts. You can do it retrospectively.
Also try and get some information from Womens Aid about this type of situation...they have a help line and can put you in touch with various people who can arrange supervised contact.
The more information you can supply in the form of your written reports on these incidents is also useful because trying to talk about this stuff with solicitors costs money so write it down before you go.