where to start? what do I need to do to prepare myself for what's to come

[wilky23]

So I've realised that divorce is the only option - original post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3006654-Deep-down-I-know-its-right-but-its-so-hard

I've also just snooped on husbands computer and there was a sample divorce form and he's been researching new bank accounts so I feel I need to get my act together and get prepared but have no idea where to start! Bear in mind he's still not talking to me so we have yet to have a conversation where we agree that we are even separating!

He's off to work at the Dublin office tomorrow so I have a few days to get my act together.

I have a few quesitons, does being the one filing for divorce have any advantages?
What constitutes unreasonable behaviour? He's an alcoholic - that seems pretty unreasonable to me?! But hard to prove?
How do we work out finances in the interim?

I'm sure I'll have many more when I go down the rabbit hole!!

TIA

[couchtospecialk]

Hi Wilky,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds so difficult. This is more of a support post as I can't answer your questions. I'm in a very similar situation to you (except mine involves OW) and am equally at a loss of what the hell to do. Like you said in previous thread, I just can't stop thinking about breaking our DDs (8&6) tiny hearts and wrenching them out of the lovely home we've made and always cherished as a family.

I spoke to a solicitor last night. She said the step by step thing is to decide where we (myself and the DDs) will live. Then that informs how we can divide up the finances and what the child maintenance is likely to be.

Solicitor also said that taking spousal support as capital (i.e. getting a bigger share of the house) can cause the least heartache as you don't get money every month for months/years after the divorce which is difficult for both of you. Also said that re: childcare arrangements, 50/50 works better for older children (they can get their heads around it more easily) but for children as old as our kids it works better just having regular, consistent contact i.e. they know they see daddy every other weekend and one day in the week. Do you have concerns about him having them on his own though given his alcoholism?

Lots of love to you

[Deardinah]

Make an appointment to see a few solicitors who will offer 30 minute free consultation.
I say see a few, because IME I had to feel comfortable with them and get to grips over a number of weeks as to how I felt about the whole situation.
The reason for divorce doesn't have to be as cut and dry as you think it does. You may need to get financial disclosure from him, which is basically exactly where he stands with earnings/outgoings.

It won't be as awful as you imagine it to be. Eat, try to sleep and keep it together as much as you can for your kids.
Good luck.

[Forkintheroad1]

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my 20 year relationship with my husband (4 years married) has come to an end. He's an alcoholic who has given us years of misery but I was always trying to help him get help but he's never done it. Always hoped one day he would realise the damage he is doing to our daughter's (7,5 & 2) and I and change. But now I've just found out that for the last 6 months he has also been seeing someone else. It's the kick up the bum I needed to get out of the marriage and realise that I was flogging a dead horse really but just wanted it to work for our girls. But now I'm faced with the prospect of having to sort the logistics of it all and the financial side and it just really daunts me. Any advise on what to do next and how to protect myself and be smart about it?