Getting ready to take the separation plunge

[CousinKrispy]

Hi,

I don't have a question really but just posting to hold myself accountable.

I've been regretting my (hasty and ill-advised) marriage for most of its almost-10 years, felt I couldn't leave before partly due to vague threats from my husband to take away access to our daughter or send me back to my home country. And partly because it's a stupid, complicated situation, he's not an evil guy and he does (really) love me and DD, he's just someone who is a huge amount of emotional labour to be married to and is sporadically bullying and crazymaking when he feels upset, but is perfectly fine the rest of the time so it's been hard to bring myself to "ruin everything" as he would put it.

We have a weeks holiday coming up and then DD needs to settle at school but AFTER THAT I have promised myself I will find the courage to forge ahead with this.

We are both on the mortgage, both work full-time and earn an equal amount. Most of the mortgage still to be paid. I don't think he'll be willing to move out swiftly, so I'm thinking the most feasible option is for me to find a flat to rent nearby and move out as soon as I can, while continuing to contribute to the mortgage. Then sort out a more permanent financial arrangement after the dust settles and he sees that yes, we will be moving ahead with a divorce--he will remain in denial for as long as he can.

we have no guest bed or even a full-length sofa so we can't really "live separately" in the house plus I know he would make my life an utter misery if we tried that.

I think I'd be putting 3/4 of my monthly paycheck into housing (my rent + contributing to the mortgage) in the short term, a bit scary but hopefully I could get by?? My family are all overseas so no one to move in with.

I hope this will work out :-(

[PsychoPumpkin]

I have no advice but I just wanted to wish you luck! Life is too short to settle for being unhappy & I hope you find contentment.

[Sarahisthename]

Good luck cousin
How would you work it - would your DD stay in the 'family ' home or come with you?
Do you worry that you would be seen as 'leaving '. No judgement at all from me, I'm in a similar position x

[CousinKrispy]

thanks both.

Sarah--I'm hoping my partner would agree for DD to divide her time between us equally. He is a very involved dad so it's likely he'll want equal parenting time. Hopefully I can afford a place where there is room for her to stay with me part of the time and he can remain in the house at least in the short term. Gulp, we'll see ...