I have done all I can...

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Hi everyone, I really need to vent and get some opinions on my situation !
I feel like my marriage has been going downhill for 5/6 years. We are married 10 years and together 16, and have 4 kids. My dh works away and stays away from home on average 2 nights a week. He is miserable with this situation but has made little effort to change it over the years, just complains about it. He has reached the point where he wants to move us all to the other end of the country so he does not have to spend nights away from home anymore. As I said the relationship has been in gradual decline for some years, and while I feel I have tried to make things work, he never has. It has reached the point where we are barely speaking to each other, he has become very bitter and has stated that the only way he can see things improving is if I agree to move. I have told him that I cannot give up my life for him when I have no relationship. It has been a cold and distant relationship for a while, no affection and now sexless. I feel washed up and that I am tolerating the situation for the sake of the kids. I have been asking him for a number of years to try counselling and he refuses. About 3 weeks ago I told him I thought we should try a separation for the good of the kids, that I did not want them growing up thinking our relationship was the norm and he refused, said I was just trying to take them away. I cant go on the way things are. Would any of you consider moving away to try and rescue a marriage ? I am so unhappy, the house is unhappy, there is no laughter anymore. What do you think?

[PhilODox]

I think such a distant move would be terrible if you then split... do you still love one another?

[CannotFindAUsernme]

I dont love him. The only things I feel around him now are stress from the pressure of my refusal to move, and constant tension, also the guilt of needing to keep everyone happy and failing. I dont feel any love from him. I think he needs me to hold onto the kids, he couldnt deal with them on his own and thats all. I am scared witless at the thought of divorce and coping on my own but I am no longer sure I have a choice. If he does not agree to separate what do I do ?

[PhilODox]

Get your ducks in a row, i.e. gather all the financial information you can, and go and see a solicitor.

[AuntSallyLovesWorzel]

Do not move away, trust me you will regret it, I agree with Philodox.
You will cope on your own, it will be hard at first not saying it won't, stand fast and get a solicitor.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Thank you. I have tried my best, I so wanted things to resolve but I cant do it on my own. I suppose I just want to be happy. How do you overcome the guilt of breaking up the family ? What all financial information do I need ?

[AuntSallyLovesWorzel]

I escaped dv guilt didn't come into it, it was for safety. Grab all the bank statements, pension info you can and get some legal advice, you will be OK.

[Whoopeewanda]

Cannot. This sounds very similar to my sutuation. I did move out as the house was next to mil and I had the means. I did and do feel awful guilt and shame and me moving out didn't help with people thinking he was the victim.
I had tried for years to get him to look at our issues and he just buried his head and said it was up to me he couldn't change. It made me feel so unloved and uncared for.
The extremely annoying thing is having played the can't do anything victim a month after separating he got s new gf who he professes to live and can't do enough for. It is hugely annoying to see him making such efforts with her and saying to me to move on. What's happened has happened he's moving on.
Honestly don't listen to his crap. If they want to make an effort they will but they are happy to leave their wife do all the hard work of separation and thinking and guilt.
Good luck Cannot. You will get there but it's a rocky road but there is hope for a happier life.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Thank you for your reply, yes our situations are remarkably similar, exactly the same narcissistic attitude of him always being right and me always at fault. It is crap and I am feeling under extreme pressure, I have many other issues going on with the kids and my family and I feel like I am going under always dealing with things on my own. On top of all else he was made redundant from his job last week, this has added extra guilt and pressure to the pot. I was going to seek legal advice about separating but how would that look now ? Kicking a man when he is down. I feel totally trapped now, no way out...

[SnugglyBedSocks]

You need to gather together paperwork - house bills, mortgage statement, birth and marriage certificates. Any savings statements eg ISA's.

Get your own personal paperwork like payslips, p60 etc and his if you are able. Pension information too. CETV can take a while to come through so apply for one now.

In regards to the redundancy - will there be a payout? If so hold off doing anything currently like actually moving out or starting divorce proceedings as you will be entitled to some of that.

Have you or him got any other assets? eg do you own any other property? if so start getting the info about that together