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Trial separation - newbie(4 Posts)
My husband moved out of our family home at the beginning of July for a week to 'sort his head out' He promised he would come back after a week, but instead came back to fetch a suitcase of his clothes. He says that he cannot live with me at the moment and isn't ready to come back. He is living with his parents, the only other people who know this are my parents.
We are just coming around to our 16th wedding anniversary in September and we have a 14 year old daughter. Things have rumbled on OK-ish since her birth, this was just what I thought happened in amongst getting on with life.
However, my husband says that he has been unhappy for around 12 months. I would say that for slightly less than a year we haven't been as close and he seemed to have given up trying. He has never been very open with his emotions - I've never seen him cry, I will cry at anything and everything. He has kept in this unhappiness for a year apparently, and now says that he doesn't know if it has 'gone too far' and we can never go back to how it was. He never expressed any of this unhappiness to me until he told me that he wanted to move out.
I know that there is blame on both sides, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. The day after he moved out I managed to get a last minute appointment at Relate. Afterwards, I told my husband and he said that he would like to go to counselling with me. As they had seen me alone, they needed to see him alone first, before we could go together. He went last week, and now says that he has to go for some sessions alone before we can start couples counselling. Fair enough, I presumed that he was working through his feelings, although yesterday he said that it was to help him decide whether to leave for good. This has left me feeling awful and a complete failure.
To make everything worse, my stepdaughter got married on Thursday. Originally, I said that I couldn't face going, but then realised that this would only upset her and so went to the ceremony and meal on Thursday and put on a brave face. It went better than expected, but my husband was distant. Last night was the evening 'do', which was horrendous. My husband is living at his parent's house, and they had some guests stopping with them, so now they know we are separated too. Facing them at the party last night was awful, and I got upset numerous times. I now find it hard to speak with any of his family at all, the whole 'wedding celebration' element left me feeling unhappy and again, a complete failure.
On top of this, my daughter desperately wants her dad to come back. She gets angry if I get upset, and she has said that if he leaves for good she doesn;t want to live.
I feel angry that I am left to deal with her and her feelings, I am looking after the house, trying to run my own business, whereas my husband is at his parents, apparently lying in his room listening to music and relaxing. It's hard for me to not feel resentful and angry that he has distanced himself in such a way.
I'm sorry for the long ramble, I don't even think that I have a question to ask. I'm just in need of someone to sound off to - I only have my daughter (not appropriate) or my mum (who will always take my side and her advice is biased). Until my husband finishes his side of counselling, we can't start the couples counselling either. I really don't know where to turn. I also feel wretched today, and hate myself for allowing things to get this way. My daughter has gone out for the day with my husband and I'm mooching around sobbing.
Dear DeeDee, I'm sorry to hear of your sad news. It sounds awful. Is it possibe for you to get some counselling for emotional support outside of Relate? Maybe see your GP or look up a psychologist on the BS. You will need support while you wait for your husband to come to decision on whether he wants to try and save the marriage.
Sending you love.
Hi DeeDee, how are you doing today? xx
Thanks for the replies.
Last week my husband finally decided that he won't be returning.
I'm taking each day as it comes.
He never went to counselling, although he wants us to go to seperation counselling together.
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