my husband won't believe me and says its over, what do I do?

[veryconfused111]

So my DH and I married over 15 years and kids in primary still. Struggling for 5 years with marriage. I had an affair 4 years ago, wrong I know but symptom of what was going on, ended it and in the end told my husband as felt so guilty i had betrayed him. Felt in order to move on I had to be honest. We had 2 plus years couples therapy. Bloody painful and hard. Got things kind of back on track but always bit up and down, but isn't that marriage with young family? Anyway 12m ago male friend of mine (my husband doesnt know him) made contact thru FB and we chatted a little, prob did have some banter but nothing more. Then I didn't hear from him for over 8 months nearly, no big deal, it wasn't anything more than just chatting, not a relationship. Life with my DH went thru a down phase, loss communication and loss intimacy and we were both unhappy for diff reasons, me coz I felt i was living with my best friend and him because his self esteem was low and he felt i didn't love him. Old male friend resurfaces, having problems in his marriage, looking for support and friends and sympathy. I am helpful by nature and like to be needed, have got myself into hot water before by being overly giving in past, my bad, diff to say no to people. Anyway i did listen and in turn told him my woes and worries. Nothing happened and I have no romantic feelings to him at all, none, but maybe I should have been aware that he was forming an attachment to me, which he was but I just brushed to off as him going thru diff times and needing some kindness. Anyway my DH since affair always had trust issues, which I get, always checking my phone, hates any male friends getting in contact. We have arguments in past over why would a man want to be just friends with me, he thinks there is always another seedy motive. So unknown t me prob fuelled by the fact things are pretty shit between us right now, he checks my phone behind my back and of course sees texts between me and male friend talking about our partners, in one text my friend does say he loves me but in a jokey way, as in love you mate, type thing which i don't respond to. So my husband confronts me and I tell him he is a friend going thru tough times, we don't meet just text, he demands that I go thru the texts with him. I know there are messages in there saying I am unhappy with my husband. I refuse to give him my phone out of principal and anger and he refuses to let me leave the room. I have just got out of the shower, am naked with towel dripping wet and he wont let me get dressed, just stands there saying go thru your phone with me. So i turn on phone and delete the messages and say no I wont, it was stupid, done in anger but I felt he had no right to ask. Now of course he has gone crazy angry, swearing at me, saying I'm an f'ing b*ch, saying he will tell the kids I am having an affair and what will they think. I was frightened and said you're scaring me and he said good you should be scared you should be very scared. And then stormed off. Now left thinking what do I do??

[veryconfused111]

and he has said its over, totally over, whatever I say he won't believe me ever, the anger and hate in his eyes was just crazy. And the thing is our marriage is wobbly but not down to anyone else fault, none else is involved. I am confused and angry and frightened most of all.

[AdalindSchade]

You're totally in the wrong here. You cheated then started a 'banter' text relationship with a man who developed feelings for you, which you didn't stop because you like to be needed, and you discussed your relationship with him? Of course your husband is pissed off. You were completely in the wrong, then deleting your messages compounds the betrayal of trust. Sorry but you need therapy to deal with your need to get validation outside your relationship.

[veryconfused111]

thing is i hate bad feeling and if things were going to end I would never have ended it like this, I would never have cheated again on him after before. But this wasn't anything, he has made it out to be an affair and it isn't at all. Its not even a relationship just a conversation, more frequent of late but I don't even meet this male friend.

[2ducks2ducklings]

But you were unfaithful before, so surely you would have known having 'banter' with someone was heading down a dangerous road.

[Beenbadwolf]

He does not trust you and I don't blame him.

Let him go so he can find a loyal partner.

[MsGameandWatching]

I wouldn't believe you either.

BUT this is why I don't think things can ever really be repaired after affairs. MN always says you must tell the cheated on person and I suppose you should unless you're 100% sure you won't cheat again, though I don't believe anyone can be sure of that. Your marriage has been limping on since the affair and I think it's over and you should let it go now.

[veryconfused111]

2ducks, but that was 12m ago when we started talking then we didn't speak for ages and recent conversations have been about our relationships and what to do etc no banter in that, mostly him going thru a lot of pain and me saying chin up type of thing. Nothing romantic, no banter in past 3m at all. My DH said I should have told him and maybe I should but I knew his past reaction to any male friendships has been to monitor them and in fact I have cut ties with lots of prev male friends because of him.

[juneau]

It takes two people to want to be in a relationship and there has to be trust. Your DH doesn't trust you - and given the situations you've described, I can see why. You've cheated before and now you're acting in a very suspicious way. Deleting all the texts and not letting him see them? Jeez. You could hardly be more suspicious if you'd tried.

I agree with this you need therapy to deal with your need to get validation outside your relationship.

[rightwhine]

You should have shown him the messages. Even the ones about being unhappy because then you could have worked on the issues. Doing what you did, of course he's going to think the wrist and not trust you.

Tbh there doesn't seem to be much worth saving anyway. But yes the marriage could have ended a lot better if you'd shown him the texts. If you really couldn't have shown him them then you are not as innocent as you are making out.

[MeanAger]

Unfortunately you have made it incredibly difficult to believe you. Specifically the deleting of the messages. An innocent person has nothing to hide. I don't believe you are telling the truth on this thread based on that alone.

[veryconfused111]

i can see why he is thinking what he is thinking but thats because he wants a reason to blame our marriage problems. I told him about the affair, it had been over for months but I felt to start afresh with him I had to be honest. If there was anything in this relationship like that I would have cut it off or I would have told him. In my view the conversation was private. I don't ask him what he talks to others about and he has a female friend he confides in about us and they go out for dinner even! Now he is going to bad mouth me to all our friends and family and damage my reputation and tell the kids too which serves no purpose except to hurt and confuse them.

[veryconfused111]

yes i should have shown him the conversation, i deleted in a fit of anger because he was cornering me, now I wish I hadn't. I might try and see if I can get my male friend to send me copies but I doubt now that my DH will be interested now

[LinoleumBlownapart]

Once you break someone's trust it takes years to regain it. Chatting to a member of the opposite sex regularly is not going to help rebuild his trust in you. The old saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, comes to mind. You might think or know you were doing nothing wrong but you were. If my DH was chatting to another woman about problems in our marriage I would consider that a massive betrayal and I would struggle to overcome that and we're not even going through a bad patch.

[2ducks2ducklings]

I'm a bit torn, on one hand if you and your husband decided to try to move on and leave your affair in the past, your husband can't keep bringing it up. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you. The last is in the past and if you've both made the decision to try again, the past should have been dealt with and left behind. Him checking your phone isn't moving on from the past is it?
However,
You also had the affair, you should really have been making an effort to not do anything that could bring up these feelings of insecurity in your husband. I'm not saying you shouldn't have male friends, but you shouldn't be discussing how unhappy you are with your husband with other men!
You then deleted all of the messages (if I read correctly). I can totally see why he is suspicious of you!

[MeanAger]

You think it will help matters by getting the person you were texting to send you his copy of the messages? where he could omit whatever you tell him to omit? You think that will make your DH more comfortable? Are you on glue?

[PollytheDolly]

Straw that broke the camels back, springs to mind.

[MeanAger]

Btw, even if this contact was "innocent" (no physical contact) you have shit boundaries. You really need to change your behaviours if you ever hope to change this cycle of you being drawn to other men. Which you are whether you agree or not.

[Skittlesandbeer]

Well it sounds like you've given yourself permission to interact in an intimate disloyal way, about private relationship stuff, with this man because 'it's just phone/text' and not in person. This sounds legit to you, and certainly better than actually boffing him like you did with the last one.

Unfortunately, the fact that you've held yourself in check better than last time is hardly praiseworthy. Surely your couples therapy covered the part where you broke trust and it needed to be rebuilt? Going outside your relationship by moaning about it to another male is still a breach of whatever fragile trust your partner had scraped together since your affair.

It seems unlikely that your partner will stick around to give you a third chance. Especially since you still seem to be insisting you did nothing wrong. Think of it this way, this time you cheated with your heart and your mind instead of your body. You can't blame your partner for bundling this all up and calling it 'She cannot be trusted. She cheats'. There's no getting off on a technicality.

You could try apologising, begging and making appointments for more therapy (alone and together). If you truly care about this man, you'd better start showing it. Or at least keep the rules in mind with the next man.

[Taylor22]

Your husband deserves better.
You should not enter into a new relationship until you've had therapy so you can learn how to be a faithful person with realistic boundaries.

[Bluntness100]

I can see his point of view to be honest.

You cheat
Instead of rebuilding his trust, you start up a text relationship with another man which includes banter, which I assume is code for flirting.
You move it on to talking about how you are unhappily married and talk about your husband.
He asks to see the texts and you delete them, not just out of anger but because you know what they contain and some of it is unpleasant.
You're more worried about people and your kids knowing what you are like and how you've been behaving than the fact you've hurt him.

Yeah, I can see why he'd want out and be angry. Are you sure you can't? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one doing the above, would you be angry and want out?

[Beenbadwolf]

How about you accept that you ruined your marriage and let your DH move on.

All your excuses are just that...EXCUSES. It reads like a pity party and it's all about you.

I think I'd be seeking counselling to find the root cause of your problems.

[GodIsDead]

It sounds like you are rationalising your betrayal and making excuses. If a woman came on here and said her OH was doing what you are doing, everyone would tell her to LTB. You are not the victim OP. You need to get help and let your husband go so he can find happiness.

[foodiefil]

'My husband won't believe me and says it's over'

It is over. Let him go. You've hurt the man.

[IrritatedUser1960]

if he won't forgive you after 4 years then I'm afraid your marriage is over. I'm not judging but do you need this constant recrimination from him. Sometimes it's better if you go your separate ways.
I kept my marriage going 10 years after it was over and I should have given it up sooner, much sooner. All those years wasted.