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devasted and confused

(20 Posts)
outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 10:44:59

hi, im brand new to this. I didn't know where to turn.
Husband and I have been together 14 years, too DD's (8 and 3), last year has been rocky due to a controlling MIL which I have now removed from my life. Husband still sees her and so do DD's, wouldn't ever stop that.
things have been on the mend and we are getting on so much better (or so I thought), we were on holiday two weeks ago and got on brilliantly, had such a lovely time. The day after we got home, my husband then told me that he was miserable, everything I do makes him miserable, he is only with me because of the kids, mortgage and cars, he doesn't get to do anything at all, he walks on eggshells and everything I do annoys him.
he left and moved into his mums and has been stone cold toward me ever since. he knows im broken hearted yet has not said one kind thing since.
to let you understand, I do 100% of the work in the house, kids, cleaning, cooking, washing, I also work two part time jobs.
my husband works 9 - 5 Monday to Friday, if im not working his dinner is on the table, his washing his done, house is clean, kids are happy and healthy, he has no worries other than getting to work on time, he goes to football every week, gym every day, nights out with his friends, he was in Spain in May which I encouraged him to do as he felt he didn't do anything spontaneously, has been on boy holidays, football holidays, golf with his friends, hill walking, camping, yet he has not took me on a date in over a year. I worry about asking him to help me do the jobs in the house that I cannot do (man jobs) because I get the roll of the eyes or he will go funny with me for ages afterwards, he will accuse me of being a dictator and controlling and that im boring. i feel im the only adult in this and feel that im responsible for everything. even the money/bills are all left to me to deal with, there is literally nothing that he has to do apart from work. i even look out the kids clothes when im working so its just a case of him dressing them. every time I ask him to do something with me he says no because my family aren't his cup of tea or he cant be bothered or he is too tired. my family have done nothing but welcome him, help us out financially, look after our kids every single week when we work, they spoil him on birthdays and Christmas and invite him to every family event we have. he doesn't want to do anything with them because his own mum gets jealous and makes him feel guilty.
I've even apologised to him and begged him to talk to me about this and talk to me about the issues to see if we can fix it but unless I admit that everything is my fault and ill change then he doesn't want to come back. if we talk I know he will say that he knows what his flaws are but he cant change them so I should change mine. I don't feel I've done anything to deserve this and how cold he is currently being towards me. he has seen me break down and cry and has walked past me and ignored me. what do I do? I am feeling so hurt, betrayed, abandoned and lost. and like I've meant nothing over all these years.

OP’s posts: |
SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sat 05-Aug-17 10:50:00

Sorry you're upset buy maybe in time you will come to realise he doesn't respect or love you, you make life easy for him and to be honest he sounds like he has had his head turned. You sound like a fantastic mother and a lovely person, please stop thinking about him, start thinking about you and your new life. Just because this is familiar does not make it right for you. Its not you, he's a wanker and you really do deserve so much more.

crazykitten20 Sat 05-Aug-17 10:54:50

if we talk I know he will say that he knows what his flaws are but he cant change them so I should change mine.

And I'm sure that could work for a while. But for how long could you accept this? It's so hard for you atm. Very raw. I think anger helps at these times. Cold calm hard anger.

The man is a tosser. For me that seems obvious.

I'd see a solicitor and get some counselling and see how you can move this forwards for you and the kids 💕💕

Parker231 Sat 05-Aug-17 10:58:50

It sounds as if you are a hard working lovely person who does way too much in the home. What positives does he bring to your relationship?

outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 10:59:04

thanks, I think when you hear so much that your not good enough and your making the person you love miserable you start to believe it and wonder if its true. I think I just need some reassurance that I've not done anything wrong here.
I've taken him to counselling before and I felt it helped, he felt that there was nothing the counsellor could tell him that he doesn't already know himself though so obviously he never got anything out of it.

OP’s posts: |
outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 11:01:24

he is loyal as in I know he would never cheat on me, he is fun with the kids (although he never does any of the practical), if anyone was ever bad to me I know he would have my back, but other than that, I cant honestly think of anything else. he does take my daughter to school before his work most days.

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outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 11:02:54

and the house is getting too much for me, things are in disrepair as well, and there is just some jobs in it I cannot physically do but feel I cant ask him to do them as im branded as being awful for asking.

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QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Aug-17 11:06:33

What an absolute pathetic excuse for a man.

He clearly does not appreciate all that you do.

I would cut him stone dead. Apply for benefits and CSA.

Tell him he can have the kids every weekend.

Get yourself out and fake having a good time.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Aug-17 11:07:44

No decent man would refuse to help around his own house.

Lean on your family they are the people who genuinely love you

Gettingonwithit1 Sat 05-Aug-17 12:05:24

This is the way an man should think about 'helping'! lessonslearnedinlife.com/i-do-not-help-my-wife/

outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 12:24:37

I loved reading this link, ive sent it to myself to remind me of how much I do because I also do get that thrown at me 'I don't get any praise for helping you do the dishes sometimes' its so true.

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Viking64 Sat 05-Aug-17 13:11:26

Are you his wife or his carer. I think he sees you as his carer.you say you took him to counciling and that statement sums it up really. What does he mean about you changing does he mean stop cleaning and looking after his kids stop cooking his meals and pandering to his every wish he wouldn't be happy with that either. He verbally lashes out because he has nothing else and he knows you are right. Mummys boy who isnt strong enough to stand up to his mum .love yourself above all others and this relationship will sort itself.best wishes

outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 13:29:18

I have a few little hobbies that I enjoy doing in the evenings when all my work is done, I sit and cross stitch and I enjoy the adult colouring books. I go to the gym class once a week, the rest of the time when the kids are at school and nursery that's when I go to the gym so I am always there apart from one hour per week in the evening. my books and my sewing are my time to unwind. he hates that I do that. he moans that I sit and do that at night sometimes. yet he sits on his phone constantly, or if I suggest we watch something together like a film I have to pause it while he replies normally to his brother or his friend about football. he has told me he resents 'how easy I have life' because I get to spend more time at home and get to 'galavant about with my family and friends' im lucky if I go out for lunch once a month with a friend. im either doing house work, food shopping or running about after my children. always get preached that he works loooonnnnggg hours and hates work etc etc. Im 30 years old, I don't go out and I don't drink. I have never been on a girls trip in my life, met him when I was 16. I remember once I asked to go to an event in Manchester with my friend and wasn't 'allowed' to.
I don't feel I do anything wrong at all, probably my worst sin is maybe not being mentally there while im lost in my sewing or colouring but that's the only escape I really have.
I also act as well so if im filming a tv programme, even though its earning money, he resents that I also enjoy myself.
I don't know if its a jealousy thing on his part but how can someone be jealous of their spouse? should they not be happy that they are happy doing what they are doing? I don't get it at all.

OP’s posts: |
outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 13:31:12

your all so kind btw, im so glad I posted this and was able to unload. im so grateful that you are taking time out of your day to reply to me even though we don't know each other. thank god for good people in the world xxx

OP’s posts: |
Viking64 Sat 05-Aug-17 13:59:34

It takes 2 for these type of relationships to thrive.you said you are confused in your post title about what.you know he's controlling you know he's selfish and immature you know you will be better off without him.it's scary and very stressful but I'm going through it and I'm still alive 😊.without even knowing it you are so much stronger than him.he ran back to mummy ffs.do yourself the biggest favour don't think of yourself as a victim .stop apologising for everything see him for what he is and soon enough you will pity this weak bullying man and when he sees the change in you tell him you can and will do better .I love karma

outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 14:44:37

thank you Viking64, when I have my rational strong head on, im filled with anger and I think to myself 'who the f does he think he is' but when im down ill cry and think 'how could he do this to me, why doesn't he love me etc' because its just happening at the moment, my head is up down up down up down a million times a day. and its just daunting knowing that there is going to be a lot of that to come. because ive been with him since I was 16, that's all ive know for my whole adult life so its scary. my title of confusion is just being totally confused as to why he doesn't see whats right and whats wrong.
his mother will be absolutely loving this as well, she loves any kind of drama and esp if she thinks im upset so that thought is eating me up as well

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outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 14:53:33

and I hope your coping with it as well, im sorry to hear you are going through this too. even though its stressful, its good to know im not alone, smile xxx

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Viking64 Sat 05-Aug-17 15:07:15

No your not alone mate.my wife left 2 weeks ago after 30 years but I've learnt already that if you feel sorry for yourself you will quickly spiral down.control the anger and it will help you a lot if you want to rant or just talk feel free to message me talking is good therapy.I'm in a better place than I was so I know exactly what you are saying

outlander1746 Sat 05-Aug-17 15:26:53

Thanks Viking64, I really appreciate that. smile

OP’s posts: |
Viking64 Sat 05-Aug-17 17:39:37

👍

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