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Am I being unfair?

(5 Posts)
Ajd94 Sun 23-Jul-17 07:56:45

My ex and I separated in the new year, it's had its ups and downs, was very civil whilst we were still living together whilst we sorted our finances, we have a 3 y.o and kept things very amicable for her sake if not anyone else's. In may he moved back to his mums house 2 hours away and ever since has become incredibly nasty in the way he speaks to me, which is always via message. Name calling myself, my friends and family and just general rubbish. In spite of all of this I offered the visitation arrangement of a weekend at my house fortnightly twice, and the 3rd fortnight (so every 6 weeks) I will drive our daughter to London to spend the weekend with his family. I have a spare room in my house and I am the one out of the two of us that drives. I told him as long as he keeps his "keyboard warrior persona" back at his mums house I have no issue with him staying at my house, as I said things were once very amicable. He refused my offer and said unless I am to drive my daughter on alternate 2 week rotations to London, he simply won't see her as I am "not being fair". Our daughter only saw my exs family every 6 weeks before we split, which is why I made the suggestion in the first place. To top matters off, I have reached out for support from his family, even going as far as showing them the abuse I was being sent, all of my messages were read and ignored, bar one sister who told me effectively to just agree with his terms for an easy life, the same sister went on to message me a few days later telling me they had "arranged" for our daughter to be picked up the following weekend, and will tell me the details later on. I was not consulted in this at all and again was just "told" what to do, therefore I refused. I went on to send a message stating how disappointed I was that no one had contacted me to support me or ask how my daughter was, which was again ignored. After that I blocked my exs family on whatsapp, bar him of course. As far as I am concerned, if they are seeing his behaviour and turning a blind eye, they are condoning it. it is now at the point where my ex is using our daughter as a weapon, if I go out with a friend of mine he dislikes (which he has absolutely no business disliking, I would never put our child in danger, and the friend in question, I have known her twice the duration I have known my ex (12 years) he simply dislikes her because she called him out on his shit years ago and I never believed her) he will tell me he won't see our daughter that weekend because "how dare I let her see ""that bitch"" but not drive her to see her own family?(his side). He has used this excuse 3 fortnights on the trot, which tells me that this is in no way about our daughter, but more about (still) having control over my life, a long time after separating. This is affecting her, as much as I am trying to keep strong I feel under some sort of immense pressure and don't feel like I'm being my best self with all this stress going on, 3 weekends running she has been disappointed by her dad, she is almost 4 and is very aware, she knows the days he should be coming etc, only to be let down and upset and its me that is comforting her, no 3 year old should have to feel that way, it is at the point now where she is point blank refusing to speak to him on the phone, I have never and will never say a bad word about her dad to/in front of her, but I find it so hard to encourage her to call if it means (if it comes to it) he will end up upsetting her again. I am not comfortable at this time taking my daughter to his house every other weekend, especially after their actions proving that they have very little respect for me and the job I am doing, expecting me to just "put up" with his excessant name calling. Nor do I feel I should have to on the sole basis that because I own a car, I should. A return ticket can cost as low as £9 or as much as £25 which in the grand scheme of things is not a ridiculous amount of money when you're living at home on a full time wage, I have always offered to pick him up from the stations and drive him to my house, so money isn't the issue, it's his ego. I intend on keeping my stance as I think after all the shit I have endured I am being more than fair, and I know that if it were a case this ever went to court, after everything he has done whilst we were together he would definitely not get a better offer.

OP’s posts: |
Ajd94 Sun 23-Jul-17 07:57:44

My ex and I separated in the new year, it's had its ups and downs, was very civil whilst we were still living together whilst we sorted our finances, we have a 3 y.o and kept things very amicable for her sake if not anyone else's. In may he moved back to his mums house 2 hours away and ever since has become incredibly nasty in the way he speaks to me, which is always via message. Name calling myself, my friends and family and just general rubbish. In spite of all of this I offered the visitation arrangement of a weekend at my house fortnightly twice, and the 3rd fortnight (so every 6 weeks) I will drive our daughter to London to spend the weekend with his family. I have a spare room in my house and I am the one out of the two of us that drives. I told him as long as he keeps his "keyboard warrior persona" back at his mums house I have no issue with him staying at my house, as I said things were once very amicable. He refused my offer and said unless I am to drive my daughter on alternate 2 week rotations to London, he simply won't see her as I am "not being fair". Our daughter only saw my exs family every 6 weeks before we split, which is why I made the suggestion in the first place. To top matters off, I have reached out for support from his family, even going as far as showing them the abuse I was being sent, all of my messages were read and ignored, bar one sister who told me effectively to just agree with his terms for an easy life, the same sister went on to message me a few days later telling me they had "arranged" for our daughter to be picked up the following weekend, and will tell me the details later on. I was not consulted in this at all and again was just "told" what to do, therefore I refused. I went on to send a message stating how disappointed I was that no one had contacted me to support me or ask how my daughter was, which was again ignored. After that I blocked my exs family on whatsapp, bar him of course. As far as I am concerned, if they are seeing his behaviour and turning a blind eye, they are condoning it. it is now at the point where my ex is using our daughter as a weapon, if I go out with a friend of mine he dislikes (which he has absolutely no business disliking, I would never put our child in danger, and the friend in question, I have known her twice the duration I have known my ex (12 years) he simply dislikes her because she called him out on his shit years ago and I never believed her) he will tell me he won't see our daughter that weekend because "how dare I let her see ""that bitch"" but not drive her to see her own family?(his side). He has used this excuse 3 fortnights on the trot, which tells me that this is in no way about our daughter, but more about (still) having control over my life, a long time after separating. This is affecting her, as much as I am trying to keep strong I feel under some sort of immense pressure and don't feel like I'm being my best self with all this stress going on, 3 weekends running she has been disappointed by her dad, she is almost 4 and is very aware, she knows the days he should be coming etc, only to be let down and upset and its me that is comforting her, no 3 year old should have to feel that way, it is at the point now where she is point blank refusing to speak to him on the phone, I have never and will never say a bad word about her dad to/in front of her, but I find it so hard to encourage her to call if it means (if it comes to it) he will end up upsetting her again. I am not comfortable at this time taking my daughter to his house every other weekend, especially after their actions proving that they have very little respect for me and the job I am doing, expecting me to just "put up" with his excessant name calling. Nor do I feel I should have to on the sole basis that because I own a car, I should. A return ticket can cost as low as £9 or as much as £25 which in the grand scheme of things is not a ridiculous amount of money when you're living at home on a full time wage, I have always offered to pick him up from the stations and drive him to my house, so money isn't the issue, it's his ego. I intend on keeping my stance as I think after all the shit I have endured I am being more than fair, and I know that if it were a case this ever went to court, after everything he has done whilst we were together he would definitely not get a better offer.

OP’s posts: |
walkinganhouraday Sun 23-Jul-17 08:21:20

I think you are doing your best in very trying circumstances.

Forget about his family. They clearly do not have your DD's best interests at heart. I would not engage with them any further. It is ip to him to facilitate your DD's relationship with them.

He chose to move away so he caused the distance. You have tried to compromise but he isn't interested. I think you're right that it's about controlling you.

In future tell him you will only speak to him to confirm times/dates for him to see his DD. Tell him you are keeping record of his text messages as future evidence and that if he keeps sending them you will simply change your phone number and he will then have to turn up in person to make arrangements.

If he can't make effort to jump on the train that is his choice. Do not drive to him other than that weekend you offered. If he then chooses not to see your daughter that is his choice not yours.

Finally do not feel you have to answer to him about where you are and what you are doing. It is none of his business. Whenever he tries to question you shy the conversation down.

This is about his lack of control over you. If you concede now you will have a lifetime of this.

flowersflowers

Ajd94 Sun 23-Jul-17 12:59:23

I made two threads because I didn't know where to post but a little more about the situation...
He was speaking to her every day on the phone so the only contact we were having is him messaging to see if she was free, he would then go on to ask our daughter questions sort of trying to get info out of her? If you know what I mean, obviously she doesn't understand but that's what it was to me listening in to the conversation. He would then messaging me shit about who I had seen, addressing my family with the first name "C**t", just general name calling etc, I don't really pay any attention. Same thing if I actually tried to arrange any sort of contact that wasn't what "he wanted" and said his stance is "not changing" so it is the case that if I don't come to London he just wont see her (we are in Nottingham). Last week after finding out we went to the park with said friend, he blocked my number for 3 days and then told me he was "testing me and clearly didn't care about him having a relationship with out daughter and I had no respect for him" but I'm a single student parent, I don't have the time to be chasing him after he's had a tantrum about who we've been out with and to be honest with you my daughter wasn't even arsed she hadn't spoke to him, like I said she never really expresses an interest in speaking to him full stop. I hate to see it go down this way because in spite of the way I've been treated he was a good dad and my daughter was missing him, it's very sad at 3 years old she's sort of asking for him less and less. He's told me in no way shape or form is he going to come here for a day visit, which again is completely on him but it does still sadden me. I am thinking of taking it to family court but he did say he won't be paying for anything, so if it involves money that won't be happening either, I think he knows (and i must admit in my one moment of anger at this whole thing I did say to him) that if he goes through court he would be very unlikely to get any overnights at all, and no judge on this earth would make me drive to London to accomodate those. If he ever wanted to see her in Nottingham I would happily taxi the two of them round no problem, but we are talking about 135 miles drive each way. I'm not even angry at this stage about how it's all happened so far, I (obviously) enjoy spending every day with my daughter it's just not the way I imagined my life to be.

OP’s posts: |
walkinganhouraday Sun 23-Jul-17 20:20:38

If he is telling you he won't see her unless it's on his terms, then take him at his word.

Do not try and get in touch with him and wait until he comes to you. If he doesn't he doesn't. Worse things happen and at such a young age your daughter will forget.

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