Splitting the 'stuff' in the home

[FreshFigs]

I'm into the final stages of my divorce and it's all getting a bit 'War of the Roses'.

We are under the same roof still, but he's leaving next week and starting to pack his stuff.

He's been taking jointly purchased items and hiding them and today he's got very shirty with me when I said want to pack up his kitchen stuff and linen for him.

Advice about how I can do this without it getting any nastier please?

[WhichJob]

Honestly? If you can, let it all go. I know it isn't fair but it is a hell of a lot easier. I walked away from the entire contents of my home to be free of ex dh and it was worth it just to be shot of him.

[FreshFigs]

Right... he's likely to take ALL my pans and cutlery etc. so I can't prepare food for me and my children. I'm on a very low budget and replacing it all would be expensive.

[FreshFigs]

I'm staying, he's moving out, to clarify.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

Pull out all the cutlery, put it on the worktop. Group it. Count it. Agree, if you can, how many knives, forks, spoons etc he's having, you're having.

Same with any other utensils, where possible. He's only preparing food for one, I assume. Therefore what can't be halved i.e. cutlery can still be counted e.g. can he take one chopping board and leave you with one or multiples on and on.

If it's appropriate, go in the kitchen and try to do this with him so the division can be done with the agreement of both of you.

There will probably be the inevitable bitching about who gets the microwave or washing machine etc.

If you can no longer communicate with him on an adult basis then the above will not work. Or if him and you and bladed articles are recipe for disaster, again, don't go into the kitchen at all.

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

Remind him, if necessary, without nagging if possible, that you need things to prepare food for the children.

Can have enough for a man living alone ? (Sorry, huge generalization)

One sauce pan, one chopping board, one chopping knife, a fair share of cutlery, serving spoons, dinner plates, china mugs, can opener, tea towels, bed linen etc etc. etc. etc.

Even if he insists on having 'the good stuff' i.e. his share of the good china, the sharpest knife, the newest chopping board. Yes have it, just fucking take it.

[FreshFigs]

Time is also limited. He's only got one day to do all of it. I thought I'd try packing what I think is a fair split, bearing in mind only one of him, three of us, but leave the boxes open for inspection? I can't bear to converse about every last eggcup. He's enjoying the drama I think.

[WhichJob]

Fresh, he will definitely be enjoying it. You could squirrel away some stuff and put it in the boot of your car/at work/at a friend's if you can't face talking to him to divide stuff up. Or could you ask a reasonable intermediary to step in and help.

[FreshFigs]

My most loved books, CDs, jewellery etc are all at my parents now, since he started taking the vinyl. It's more the expense and annoyance of having to replace kitchen stuff like my pans, ironing board etc. Honestly he's behaving like a dick. But it's a good reminder of why I'm divorcing him...

[WhichJob]

Fresh - exactly. And remember this if you ever wonder if you did the right thing.

[FreshFigs]

I'm sure that seizing every small electrical appliance in the house makes him airpunch / whoop inside.

[Kintan]

Is he the children's father? If so how can he be leaving them to go without the basic things for their mother to prepare a meal for them? If not it's still pretty obnoxious behaviour in any case. If he is so insistent on taking the things tell him he must pay you half their value then!

[FreshFigs]

Yup - he's their father and a mean bastard. He's also cancelled payments for music lessons & clubs, even though they were discussed in mediation. He's a twat.

[FreshFigs]

He's been busy sticking ALL the vinyl records in his car this evening. I couldn't be arsed to go downstairs and object.

[wobytide]

So when he moves out he won't ever prepare a meal for his kids? Only the mother will ever feed them?

There certainly seems to be some huge generalizations, agreed.

[mandi73]

See I'd be the bitch and be "helping" him......I'd keep commenting "oh I always hated this......do you want it?" bet he'll rapidly go off items if he thinks you don't actually want them

[FreshFigs]

Woby... He only wants the kids every other weekend and doesn't ever cook meals from scratch. Some of the items he's saying he wants he can't even use / has never used.

[Runlovingmummy81]

He doesn't want them. He just doesn't want you to have them.

[LittleBooInABox]

Start moving stuff into your room, get a cheap, temporary lock on your bedroom. Solved.

[RockPaperCut]

I tried many times to have an adult conversation on a fair split of furniture and expected to get the majority. But it became apparent that he'd already earmarked items of furniture for his parents, I ended up getting removals in when he was at work and putting stuff in storage otherwise dc and I would have left with nothing. I completely agree it's not about him wanting the items for himself, he just doesn't want you to have them.

[SnugglyBedSocks]

Just do what you've done 2ith other stuff - move it out so he can't take it.

My STBX has done the opposite. He took only personal items and has furnished a new house from scratch. Has spent thousands ...but I'm apparently trying to ruin him and rip him off... I offered stuff eg sofa's (we have 6!! Loosing 2 would make no difference!) But he refused