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He wants DS 4 nights a week?!

(13 Posts)
StaceyAndGavin Wed 28-Jun-17 18:12:33

We separated a little over a month ago - his major fault but we've remained friends for DS sake. He works a very demanding job which only leaves him with 1 day off a week and 2 days off every other week. Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)
Then the other day we're discussing bills and transerring things into my name and I asked about child maintenance. He said we'd have to sit down all and work out 'how much DS costs'.. I don't think he's taking into consideration that DS uses gas, electricity, water etc too. But then he said something out of the blue - that once he's moved into his new place (he's staying with his parents for the time being) that he'll be having DS 3-4 nights a week.
I told him that's impossible because of his job, and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't make sense. He said he could pick DS up after work and drop him back in the mornings (around 7.30) but I said that would be too disruptive to his life.

DS is 2 but is pretty advanced for his age so understands a lot, although we've kept him out of it. We've told him that daddy's getting a new house and that he'll be having sleepovers with daddy etc and hes excited which is great.

I asked if this was about paying child maintenance and he said absolutely not hmm

He then said if I continue to be unreasonable with him seeing DS then he'll take me to court.

This completely took me by surprise - I really really don't think I've been unreasonable at all... am I?!

We spoke about it afterwards and he apologised for threatening with court, he just wants more time with DS which I understand, but he's not willing to change jobs, which I also understand, this is his dream job.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help sad

AdalindSchade Wed 28-Jun-17 18:15:50

Do you work?
I mean, obviously he can't have him 50% of the time if he's going to be at work most of if but if his work day could be a regular 9-5 on the days he has him then he could have him. And you could get a job on those days.

If he continues to work long hours that restrict his ability to care for ds then he can't have him 50%.

And his maintenance isn't calculated according to what ds costs, it's in proportion to his income and living expenses.

wheredoesallthetimego Wed 28-Jun-17 18:17:20

Presumably you're not planning on staying as a SAHM, you'll need to earn some money? If he drops his hours then that would allow you more flexibility to work.

StaceyAndGavin Wed 28-Jun-17 18:20:45

Everything is very up in the air right now so I'm unfortunately having to rely on benefits for the time being - until I can find a new place for DS and myself and get my shit together - then yes definitely I'll be looking for a part time job.

But he isn't willing/able to reduce his hours and I think it's ridiculous for him to think I'm being unreasonable by saying no to 4 nights a week?

Asparaguswee Wed 28-Jun-17 18:23:22

If you have given up your career to become a sahm then you WILL be entitled to child maintainence and spousal support to I would have thought. Regardless of how many nights he has him staying over. You have a home to run where your son lives too and if you've given up paid employment to be the primary carer then this will be taken into consideration.
He will however, be entitled to 50/50 custody, he is the child's father after all.
In your position (i.e. Being a sahm) you need a solicitor sharpish, you shouldn't attempt to do this without one.
You need to compile a list of all the assets you own and work out a fair deal.

expatinscotland Wed 28-Jun-17 18:24:31

I think you need to see a solicitor, especially if you're not married. I think you SAHM gig is over and you need to accept that, but I wouldn't agree to 4 days a week because it means not just no maintenance but no tax credits or child benefit, either. You really need to think about how you are going to support yourself.

Asparaguswee Wed 28-Jun-17 18:25:10

There are plenty of parents who split, who both work full time, who jointly share custody. Working full time is not a barrier to gaining 50/50 residency or nobody who works full time would ever see their children!

Pallisers Wed 28-Jun-17 18:31:28

Call me cynical but this is absolutely so he can avoid paying anything to you in maintenance.

His plan is that you have to deal with and pay for any childcare in order to work but he will swan in after his childcare-free work is done. But then he will technically have your son half of the time so no maintenance will be paid (and who will get the child benefit?)

If he wants 50/50 custody, fine - it should be a true 50/50 and he finds childcare for the times he works. You could then get a better job because you'll have at least 3 days when you won't have to pay for any childcare.

You need to see a solicitor.

AdalindSchade Wed 28-Jun-17 18:34:00

Maybe if those full time hours are regular 8 hour days with a 30 minute commute but it's not feasible to work 9-10 hour days with 1-2 hours commuting whilst also looking after a 2 year old.
I'm a working single mum and my career and earning capacity is limited by the fact that I have to work within 30 minutes drive of my house and I work strictly 8 hour days. That's what you have to do if you have sole care of a child.
If the op's ex can reduce his daily work hours then shared care is more than reasonable. If he wants to keep his high powered job with long hours then he can't.

nomoreheroesanymore Mon 03-Jul-17 10:20:50

Short answer is - yes he can ask for 50/50. He is entitled to do so.

However he should be finding his own child care from following morning - not relying on you to assist him on 'his' days.

However, I'm being a complete hypocrite because I do exactly that - assist my ex on his days. Because I want to be there for the kids.

I do get resentful at times though! And get no maintenance, despite him earning twice what I do - because he has them 50/50 on paper (in terms of nights)

babybarrister Mon 03-Jul-17 22:09:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pallisers Mon 03-Jul-17 22:48:50

Csa works on nights spent with each parent...

What a wonderful way for him to never have to pay for childcare and never have to pay maintenance for his children. See a solicitor OP.

Runlovingmummy81 Wed 05-Jul-17 14:51:55

I agree you need to speak with a solicitor. This is about him not paying maintenance and using the kids to do it. Cms works maintenance out on number of nights with each parent, daytime care doesn't come Into the calculation. A family court would give him some daytime responsibility as well. As nights and most likely half school holidays.

Speaking from experience as a sahm who divorced a narcissist ex..... Xxx

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