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STBEX, His partner and the children

(5 Posts)
alwaysonmymind Sun 18-Jun-17 18:56:56

I know I sound like a jealous cow - can anyone help me cope?

Long story short - began divorce proceedings last year. He was controlling, emotionally and financially abusive. I suspected he was having an affair - he was. He was arrested after an incident at the family home and there are bail conditions in place for my safety.
He took me to family court while social services were carrying out safeguarding checks.
He managed to get the criminal court to appoint the woman he was having the affair with as the third party for contact purposes. That led to loads of abuse from her and CPS getting this changed.
He doesn't pay maintenance and now going to collect and pay for it.

So children have contact every Wednesday evening and occasional Sundays that have been agreed in court, due to activities, family occasions etc.
I am trying to be strong but today got to me. He asked to see them today as it's Fathers Day and I agreed. So the kids have come back after a great day out, load of presents, been to a top restaurant and a promise, in the contact book, of a summer holiday to Disneyland, and tales of new bikes next week etc.

All the things I can't afford basically. But what really got to me and why I am so upset is what DC2 said. " Look mummy they bought me a new phone cover cos I know you can't afford one, so don't worry you don't have to bother now." This has happened on lots of occasions now.
I know it was meant to be a helpful comment. I had never said she couldn't get a new bloody case, I had just asked her to wait until payday.

How do people cope when the children come back all excited to tell you all they have been up to? I know I should be glad that they are happy but pathetically i feel jealous. This way of living, designer clothes, make up, jewellery etc isn't what I aspire to and I don't want my children becoming fixated on these values, which they are beginning to be.

OP’s posts: |
Kidssendingmenuts Mon 19-Jun-17 07:48:44

This is what I'm scared of and your story mirrors mine and it's so upsetting.
It's mental abuse but through the kids and the thought of another woman been near your kids is soul destroying and I know exactly how you feel. Xxx

LittleBooInABox Sat 24-Jun-17 05:45:13

You have to look at it like your kids are having fun. They love it know but when they grow up you'll be the one with the real relationship with them. The one that matters. Kids don't see that yet.

Notreallyarsed Sat 24-Jun-17 06:07:23

My XH used to pull these stunts all the time, I can completely empathise with how you're feeling. It's another form of control, knowing he can't get to you any more so using the kids to hurt you.
I find that the only way I can cope is to plaster a smile on and cheerily ask how DS1 enjoyed his night at dad's and focussing on his response rather than how I feel about his fucking wasteman dad. It's easier said than done and took me many years I have to say, but DS1 has learned that his dad isn't the man he needs him to be.

MrsBertBibby Sat 24-Jun-17 09:08:47

I'd believe in these bikes and holidays when they materialise, tbh. And watch what happens when they ask to keep them at your place.....

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