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Thinking of leaving (AIBU?)(12 Posts)
I am thinking of leaving my wife. I don't want to, but I also don't see my life getting any better while we remain together.
We have two lovely daughters, who I hate to think of growing up in a "broken home". I struggle to imagine how that would even work.
So why is life so difficult? My wife does almost nothing to help with our family life. She quit her job when she became pregnant with our first daughter, and has not gone back to work since (and says that she has no intention of doing so, as we don't need the money). However, she also does not cook, or clean, or exercise, or buy groceries, or even tidy the home. If she needs to feed our toddler she will often resort to ordering a takeaway or feeding the child unhealthy snacks. We have no sex life: after we married she was only interested when she wanted to get pregnant. As soon as she was pregnant she showed no interest in being intimate together, and rejects my advances. When I try to arrange dates (theatre, restaurants etc) she always finds some reason to reject my suggestion.
That is not to say that I am perfect (I have lots of flaws) but I try incredibly hard to make our relationship work. I have a high pressure job, with long hours, but I am home almost every evening to put the girls to bed, and I take care of the kids every weekend.
The house is constantly filthy (because she creates mess, or allows the kids to do so, and then just leaves it) so once the kids are down to sleep I have to tidy and clean, and cook (often for both of us, because she won't prepare meals). Most nights I have to get up during the night to take care of our eldest daughter, who still wakes frequently, because my wife ignores the cries or says that she needs her sleep.
If she were run off of her feet every day I could understand all of this, but we have a full time nanny (who also does some nights with the younger girl), and a regular cleaner, and our oldest daughter goes to nursery most days. I earn well by pretty much any standard, and my wife wants for nothing, so I am not really sure where I am going wrong.
In short, I am exhausted, and I am miserable, and my health is deteriorating. I am always tired. I can't remember the last time someone made me a decent home cooked meal.
When I explain that I am unhappy to my wife she gets upset and says that she'll try harder (presumably she must sense that I can't put up with this forever) but within a couple of days she is back to watching TV, playing with her phone, and taking long naps.
I don't want to be unreasonable, or to break up our family, or to demand too much as a husband, but surely most families do not function this way?
No they don't. Have you discussed divorce? Most people,in your situation would be talking to a solicitor.
If everything is how you say it is then it sounds intolerable. I presume you've spoken to her? What does she say about the mess, the night waking, preparing meals, lack of sex etc? She sounds depressed tbh. (Although her exercising or not is nothing to do with your relationship and I wonder why you've included that?)
We haven't discussed divorce. I really don't want to break up the family. I also have no idea how divorce even works. I have no objection to a fair settlement, or supporting the girls, but would I basically have to give up half my assets and continue paying her maintenance so she doesn't have to work?
I think she does sound depressed. Has she seen a GP?
Sorry but I can't help feeling there must be another side to this. She sounds awful but I
Imagine she would tell a very different story.
I just included the reference to exercise because most people at least do some exercise (particularly if they don't work). I guess on some level I wish she would make some effort to maintain her looks (which I appreciate it selfish, and is not something I would say).
She actually doesn't argue when I mention my objections. She either complains that I am getting at her, or agrees that I am being fair and reasonable (but then does nothing about it).
Depression has been an issue for her at some point in the past, but she actually seems very happy these days.
She is not awful - she is smart, and charming, and beautiful, and funny. When she wants to be, she is excellent company.
That is the problem: I don't dislike her at all. I love her deeply.
I doubt your home is "filthy" if you have a cleaner.
I think you need to sit down and have a good talk. I get the feeling something is missing here and perhaps it will come out in your conversation....
Honestly it sounds like she is either depressed or there is another underlying issue that you either don't know about or she is not mentioning.
You need to communicate all this to her and both of you need to lay all your cards on the table.
will she go to see her GP? she sounds ill or depressed. otherwise, yes, if you divorce you are going to have to split your assets and apply for shared custody, maybe look into what exactly it would involve so you know. it sounds better than your current set up. first though, find out if your wife is ill. she doesnt sound well.
She sounds terrible! Lazy too. What an awful situation for you.
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