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please help I nearly cant do this.....

(8 Posts)
suntansally Wed 07-Jun-17 09:56:11

I am not confrontational (I am strong which is different)I have been separated now for 9 months 4dc's and I stayed in the family home. STBXH has taken things to solicitor to move forwards now with things and I'm petrified. I was going to walk with nothing and just go ( I wanted out)I have been persuaded that because he isn't going to simply try and make me suffer (By making sure I can't afford to live)that I need to take what I am due. He is going to go mad and I know now confrontation begins. I am trying to do a degree and have no immediate family to help me with the children .I have been advised that STBXH is only having the children so regularly so that he doesn't need to pay me any maintenance(hence I won't be able to support the dc's on my own). I have sent a letter to him now stating that I'm not happy with them staying at his any more until they have proper beds and space to have privacy to sleep.
Things have already changed (He has a new girlfriend as of last week )he's already stepped off the gas with the childcare.
I don't know what I'm trying to say except it's all a mess and I just need some courage and strength from anyone that has been there.
I can't have a conversation with him I'm currently back to 1 word response from him about anything!!! our poor children don't deserve this.
This is why I nearly didn't leave as I knew how scorned he would be,my mum says there was no way I could have lived as I was anymore either.Doc has just signed me off for 2 weeks.

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wheresthel1ght Wed 07-Jun-17 10:08:23

You are going to have to prepare yourself for a battle, but you are doing the right thing.

Without more details it is hard to help but I felt like you (although no kids) I walked away with nothing and in hindsight I wish someone had forced me to go after was I was entitled to.

Remember it isn't just for you you are fighting for. Your kids are entitled to it too.

Good luck flowersflowers

notquitegrownup2 Wed 07-Jun-17 10:15:50

OK no expert here but I hear your panic. You are frightened of this man and the fact that "he is going to go mad" at you", and you don't like confrontation, and you have no rl support. But you do have MN and there will be loads of very practical support along in a moment, along with wise words for you to use in the coming weeks.

In the meantime, you write "I been persuaded that I need to take what I am due." Try to detatch yourself a little from the process. It's not about you taking stuff from him. It's about the courts sharing out the marital and family assets fairly. You have both build up your home, family and financial assets, you both get to take stuff out. He may have put more in financially, but you were contributing in other ways, which carry equal weight in building up a home and family. And the kids rights need protecting too, by someone in court, who can step back and do this fairly.

And I think the MN wise ones will suggest that you stop trying to have any conversations with him. Do it by email or text, where you have a record of his answers, and can be business like and less emotional.

HTH Best of luck

suntansally Thu 08-Jun-17 22:21:31

Thank you for your replies I thought that I could get through university and have this fight but truth is I just can't. My children will suffer if I don't take a step back and protect them for a while. I decided today to intercalate for a year which has made me sad but t I know it's the right thingsadI feel like now I can breathe and focus on them and their immediate future for a while.
At the moment he has said that he still wants them 50% of the time which I am saying no to due to their sleeping arrangements not being suitable yet for over night.
I haven't even hit him with financial matters yet he's going to get a shock that I'm asking for what I'm due but I'm hoping his new female friend will distract him for a whileconfused

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cookiemon666 Fri 09-Jun-17 20:28:23

I am now divorced, have 4 children. My ex husband was and still is a complete arse. He instigated the divorcea and on top of that tried to force sale of the marital home due to a joint debt. All whilst he was shacked up with the gf and her kids.
Now thanks to my amazing parents, we can stay in the marital home, I have renegotiated the mortgage so I can afford it. Myself and the kids live very frugally, as he only pays the minimum of maintenance. I work agency shifts to keep us going.
The most important thing is that the kids and I are fine. You guys will be too, it will be grim for a while. Gentle hugs

suntansally Sat 10-Jun-17 12:08:37

Thank you at least if I've taken my year out then hopefully I can make sure the children are ok xxxxx hugs to you too

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crazykitten20 Sat 10-Jun-17 16:06:10

Well done you. Baby steps and you will get there.

Remember- you do NOT have to engage in confrontation. If he starts , you simply and very calmly pass him a pre written note saying why you are waking and walk away - until he chooses to treat you as the mother of his children should be treated.

He likes the power of knowing he can scare you ( I expect). He no longer has to scare you. You are strong. You can do this xxx

suntansally Sat 10-Jun-17 19:27:49

It's so nice to get some reassurance from people in similar situations ❤️

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