AIBU - ex's shifts and Child contact arrangements

[HalfMyLife]

My H moved out 6 weeks ago - married 17 years, together 21 - 2 DC's (10 & 5)
He works irregular shifts, including nights and weekends so arranging contact with the DC's has been a nightmare.
When we were still together, he got his shift pattern 6 weeks in advance, had at least 3 days off a week, and had every 3rd/4th weekend off.
Since he moved out he claims that he gets his shift pattern on a Thursday for the following week only - some weeks only has 1 day off a week, and has not had a weekend off in 6 weeks.
This means that either very late on a Thurs night, or early Fri morning I get a text saying "can have the kids for tea on Tues & Thu next week". I then have the Friday to sort out childcare for the other days - I work full time 9-5, Mon-Fri. Other childcare is provided by my parents and a local day nursery 1 day a week for the 5 year old - which needs to be booked in advance. My parents aren't in great health, and have various GP/Hospital appointments to fit around looking after the kids.
They have stayed at his house twice in 6 weeks - the second time, he HAD to drop them off at 9am the following morning (a Saturday) - he claimed that this was because he had to get to work, however i later learnt that he didn't start work until 3pm that day.
The days that he has them for tea, he picks them up from school at 3pm, and brings them home at 6.15 - the last 3 weeks one of his days has been the day that DD (5) is booked in to After School at the day nursery - which needs to be paid for anyway, so he hasn't picked her up until 4.30pm - therefore spending less than 2 hours with her on that day.
Selfishly, this also means that by the time i get in from work, i have 30 minutes before the children are returned. I can't plan anything in advance, I can't even go for a swim after work or a coffee/glass of wine, or socialise at all - which right now I really need to do for the sake of my mental health.
When he left I agreed that he could pay half the recommended amount of Maintenance as i didn't want him to be left short, and naively assumed that the kids would be spending a couple of nights a week with him.
I have asked him to start providing me with a copy of his rota each week so that we can agree mutually convenient days for access - rather than him dictating the days with extremely short notice. I have a feeling that he is arranging them around HIS social life rather than in the best interest of the children.
A huge part of me is resentful of the fact that he has the freedom to do whatever he likes, make whatever plans he likes while me and the kids have to fit around it - this is nothing new, it was always like that when we were together.
I also have advised him that i'll be asking for an increased amount of maintenance considering the small amount of time he is spending with the kids, and also the fact that he is refusing to contribute towards any joint debt (another story!!) - at that point, he produced a signed copy of the family based agreement which i had completed and given to him weeks ago stating the lower amount, and told me we had a 'contract' and he wasn't paying a penny more.
AIBU asking for his rota, and more maintenance??

[NooNooMummy]

Bumping this. I'm interested in the maintenance aspect. My ex is equally useless, using his shifts as an excuse for never seeing our daughter.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

If the family based arrangement isn't working, you go to the CMS and let them deal with it. He will have no choice then. He is not having the kids overnight, he therefore does not qualify for a reduction in maintenance. He is walking all over you. You either sort out mediation and come to an agreement that can be drawn into a consent order or you apply for residency via the court and have the contact written in with that. Don't stand for this shit. You are doing everything 24/7, you are both entitled to have a life away from the kids if you are to divorce. I really would seek some legal advice in this situation because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it will become. Good luck OP!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Also joint debt is exactly that...joint. You really need to see a solicitor.

[HalfMyLife]

Thank you for your repy - I sent him a letter at the weekend setting out the amount of maintenance I was now asking for, detailing all the actual costs that are associated with bringing up the kids, pointing out that these are only the 'known' costs and there will be unexpected costs too - just to show him that I'm not being unreasonable asking for more, and showing the calculation from the Government website - I've given him until tomorrow to respond (in writing) and then i'll be contacting the CMS to deal with it directly through them.
The joint debts are a loan, and a 0% credit card which are both only in my name - but I have bank statements to prove that both were used for the benefit of the family (loan was for a kitchen extension and credit card was to cover bills when H lost his job last January!!)
I've petitioned for divorce this week - so once he's acknowledged that then i'll be trying to get him to go to mediation to sort out the finances and contact.
I'm not sure what the answer is for contact though considering his shifts - would it be reasonable to ask to see his full rota?
He does seem to want to see the kids - just on his terms, at short notice, and I can't get rid of the anger and resentment I feel towards him (even though at the same time I'm glad to be rid of him).
NooNoo - is your ex paying any maintenance? I really feel for you, it's so hard xx

[Minime85]

Hi halfmylife glad to hear you have filed and that you sent the letter with a date by which to reply. The agreement you made was based around things as they had been if he has changed things then the arrangement isn't valid surely.

My ex works shifts sounds similar in days on and off and one weekend a month (police) all times he has them is around his shifts but I plan on a two month schedule so he, I and kids know what is going on and like you say re child care etc. I ask for shifts sometimes 4 months in advance so I can plan my life and he always agrees. I do do some last minute swaps with him if he has been called into work etc. But it should all be about he kids not him. Good luck

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Your life can't be expected to rotate around his job.. I doubt a judge would agree either.
Set out when he is to have the dc and he needs to sort out childcare for the times he is working in those arrangements. You aren't the childminder so he can go to work!!

[misswhatdoto2]

Watching with interest! Currently separating from stbxh but still under same rood while house is being sold. He suddenly seems to need to work 24/7 on top of his usual shift work (works in retail) so have no idea when he is home or not so cannot plan. He works every Saturday but think when we do split I will say he needs to have weekend with the dc every 4 weeks. Apart from that he's suggesting 2 nights during the week which will mean no quality time with dc during term time and only doing it so he doesn't have to pay me as much maintenance.
It's so frustrating for us and on behalf of kids that our lives will still revolve around his bloody work

[Minime85]

Whilst I find it frustrating to still live around exh shifts and sometimes very annoyed by it, I don't see the value of sending my dds to him when he is working. Yes I'd like him to have to sort out childcare and be racing to and from work like I have to. BUT that means my kids wouldn't see their dad, would be with babysitters more than him and what's the point in that? I would rather have them at home. And then they see their dad for quality time. Again don't et me wrong I'm not saying it doesn't niggle me that in part it makes him Disney dad but I get them majority of the time in the end, I'm home and they still have a good relationship with their dad.

[HalfMyLife]

Minime - I totally agree - there is no way I would impose definite days and say that he'd have to sort childcare if he was working those days. For one - he doesn't have any family locally, would not be very mindful of the kid's wishes/needs when sorting childcare out, and would get no quality time with them. While I do want (need) some downtime myself, I wouldn't want this if it meant the kids not being happy. I just want STBXH to realise that he needs to think about the kid's need for stability, even if he doesn't want to think about my needs to be able to plan my life. I don't even mind working around his shifts - it's the 3 days notice that winds me up.

Misswhattodo2 - sorry that you're going through this too - hope the house sells soon and you can move on with the next stage - make sure you look after yourself xx

He didn't respond to the letter about extra maintenance - didn't even acknowledge it - so I contacted Child Maintenance Options last Friday and have got a reference number now to be able to start a claim for Direct Pay which I intend to do tonight.
It really angers me that he thinks £80 per month for 2 kids is an acceptable amount - especially when he has always spent a hell of a lot more than that in the pub every month!!

I'm working on being ultra-reasonable as up to now he has taken every little thing and twisted it to try and make out that I'm the bad guy (he left, he's been seeing someone else, he's been a total dick over money, contact etc - but I'm the bad guy cos I've made my feelings towards him and his behaviour quite clear) - so am trying really hard to now not let my feelings show - being polite in my texts etc - even let him change the arranged contact times for Father's Day - and then change them back again - without any fuss.

I won't be walked all over - he's asked for a week with the kids in the summer hols, when he knew I already had plans - but wanted me to change because he's cancelled his other week in the holidays to have a week away during Term Time (without the kids) - I told him firmly but politely that I had booked something already, and wouldn't be changing it - and have given him a list of all other dates for the next couple of months when I have plans and won't be changing them.
I have also given him a list of school events/friend's parties for the next couple of months - as he accused me of 'springing surprises' on him when he asked for contact on a Sunday with 2 day's notice - I said yes, and then told him that DD had a party to go to . So, he can arrange things at ridiculously short notice and we're supposed to make no plans whatsoever 'just in case' he wants to play daddy .

I am finding though that even with him still having some degree of control over my life I feel so much free-er since he's gone. Yes, I have to run a house, 2 children & family pets on my own whilst also working full time - but doing it on your own, knowing that you're on your own is completely different to doing it on your own whilst expecting someone else to help, support, encourage etc and not feeling that constant disappointment/resentment is actually quite liberating.
Sorry, that's turned into a bit of an essay - good to get it all out

[rightsofwomen]

It took taking my ex to Court to make him work out fixed working days with his employer.
It is in the interests of the child (mine are 8 and 18, so this was just about the 8 yo) to know where they are staying week in week out.

[HalfMyLife]

oh god - rightsofwomen - what a nightmare - although good for you for seeing it through and getting what you needed for your DCs. Did it cost you a fortune in court fees/solicitor fees?

[rightsofwomen]

I represented myself so no, a few hundred ££ for the court fees. It was worth it.

[rightsofwomen]

Oh and FWIW, he changed his working hours before we got to court having (I believe) been told by his sol that he needed to grow up and sort it out otherwise he'd be getting barely any contact.

[HalfMyLife]

Thank you - that's really good to know

[NooNooMummy]

Guys, I'm so glad to hear about positive results. I have a thread on this matter in the Legal Matters area and everyone is advising me not to bother applying to court because, they say, the court won't order him to get his act together. My ex protests that I'm preventing him from seeing our daughter when it's actually him that's being totally rubbish. Surely, the court will order me to make our daughter available for consistent and regular times and he'll have to step up?!

[NooNooMummy]

...he'll have to step up instead of pretending to everyone that he's being prevented by me from seeing his daughter.

[User2410]

I have the exact same problem and it's interesting to see that most rotas are given this far in advance. My exH has just joined the police, is refusing to give me his shift patterns and is only letting me know his days off a few days in advance. Which is making it extremely difficult to sort out who will have the kids when I work my night shifts. He refuses to have them over night when I work even if he doesn't start shift until the afternoon. So my mum's having them over night and I'm having to pick tjem up in the morning after working all night. It's unfair how when u split the childcare is all down to the mother and now I have to ask 'permission' for him to have them whereas it goes without saying that I look after them when he's at work. We are early days separated so I'm unsure where I stand but it helps reading these threads!

[HalfMyLife]

Oh User - i really feel for you. At least i work 9-5 so don't have your problem of both working shifts.
My situation hasn't got any easier - he's still only giving me shifts on a Fri for the following week. Last week it had got to 3pm on Friday and i'd had nothing so i texted him to ask - he replied to say 'can't have them any days next week'. Great!! DS (10) is chuffed to bits cos he doesn't want to go there anyway, so at least someone's happy.

[User2410]

He just said 'your a mum on benefits and i have nothing' so he thinks if I can't work then it's not a big deal. Even though he lives with his mum and moans about giving her any money towards bills. Trying not to be resentful!