this is what I plan to send to my husband - does it look ok?

[motheroreily]

Hello, I'd really appreciate some help.(Update: I've just read through this and realise it is really long sorry!)

I've been separated for 2 years. My husband lives in the house we bought. I live in rented. He paid the deposit which was about £13k. I paid into the mortgage until I moved out. If he wanted the £13k I wouldn't argue about it, there are things I have paid for such as new windows but I haven't kept a record of them.

Our daughter lives with me Mon-Fri. She stays with him every weekend except one a month. He also has her every bank holiday and her birthday. At Christmas he has her from when school breaks up to midday christmas day then I have her to 27th December and he has her til she goes back to school. So it is hard for me to see family etc.

I work four days a week, 2 days we don't get home til 7pm so I feel I don't get much time with her. He sometimes has her in the week but works unpredicatable hours so can't commit to set day each week. He also has her whenever he is on leave.

He doesn't pay me maintenance but puts money into an ISA for her.

I saw a solicitor last month and got some advice. This is what I plan to send to him. Does it sound reasonable?

Dear xxxx,

I recently saw a solicitor and plan to file for the divorce on the grounds that we have been separated for 2 years. This is what I would like to propose:

• I received 50% of the equity in our house which I estimate to be £xxxxx. I would transfer my interest in the property to you on condition, that I am released fully from the terms of the joint mortgage debt.
  
• You start making maintenance payments to me. According to the CSA calculator this should be £xxx a month.
  

I feel I don't have enough quality time with xxxx. I understand you can't commit to seeing her during the week but would like a fairer split and would propose:

• We keep the current arrangement where I have her one weekend a month but in addition
  
• We split bank holiday weekends between us
  
• We alternate her birthday (starting next year with me)
  
• I have a four day block over christmas/new year
  

Kind regards

[Hermonie2016]

Sounds very fair to me.What about other school holidays?

Are there additional assets like savings, items over £500, pensions?

You will need to get them specified, just to ensure there is clarity.

[motheroreily]

Thank you for the reply.

I will add about the holidays. I would suggest our current arrangement where he has her when he's on leave.

We don't have assets over £500. Other than pensions. Mine in worth around £20k currently, I am not sure about his.

[MrsBertBibby]

You need to exchange financial disclosure before you make offers to settle. And you need to just go to the CMS for maintenance. No support for 2 years? Disgraceful.

I wouldn't settle for 1 weekend a month either. Weekends re important. As is proper time at Christmas.

Have you considered mediation?

[motheroreily]

Thank you for the reply. The solicitor advised I try and negotiate with him and then go to mediation. We have about £100k of equity in the house. No savings. I earn about £4k a year more than him although this is recent two years ago I was working part time.

He responded to me last night. That he'd offer me a fifth of what I'd asked for. He worked this out by saying I moved out and stopped paying the mortgage two years ago. So he offered me 50% of the equity we had 2 years ago less the deposit he paid.

The solicitor said it didn't matter that i hadn't paid the mortgage. I couldn't afford to pay rent and mortgage.

He did pay the deposit of 12k but I paid for things too like new windows and paying off a chunk of the mortgage. But because our finances were pooled i can't work out the source of the money. Maybe I paid £5k.

I think we'll have to try mediation, I may try negotiating with him again but need time to work out what I'll say.

[Atasteofcreme]

Given he paid the deposit (and I recognise you paid for windows etc) I'd take half the equity from one year ago.

The maintenance is ridiculous and needs sorting. Do you have any evidence he actually has an ISA for her?

Contact also needs sorting

[fusspot66]

Dear Motheroreilly
You need to go down a proper solicitor route. This is not a reasonable man. He is conning you out of money, your home and worst of all quality time with your child. Do not trust him. (I'm also separated/ planning sharing of assets etc Wikivorce have helpful overviews on their site.)
Good luck

[SisterhoodisPowerful]

You should get 2 weekends a month with your child and alternate bank holiday weekends - not just splitting. You should be alternating Christmas and New Year every year as well.

Does he work shifts? If so, when does he know what shifts he has? You can organise one night a week if he tells you in advance when he shifts are. That's a common and fair practise.

[motheroreily]

Thank you for the replies. One of my friends was shocked I was asking for equity based on now and not when I moved out. The solicitor advised this wasn't an issue but morally I feel like I've been paying rent on a flat which is £150 a month more than the mortgage on our house. So he had the better deal. But maybe it is wrong.

If he wants to keep his deposit I wouldn't argue as I just want to break away from him and it was his money before we married.

Ahhh. This is not going to be something we can resolve ourselves.

[motheroreily]

Sorry I forgot to say. The contact is worrying me more. He makes me feel petty for asking for more. And I worry he'll go for full custody, which is what he wants

[SofiaAmes]

Also, bear in mind that he can't release you from the mortgage debt, only the mortgage company can do that. Here in the USA, they will never do that without the mortgage being paid in full and a new mortgage being taken out. Not sure how that works in the UK.

[fusspot66]

Seriously, you need to use a lawyer and possibly a different lawyer who understands nasty exs. Do not sleep walk into anything. Your ex means to take your money and your child from you.

[motheroreily]

Thank you for all your replies and support.

I'll sort the maintenance out as a priority. I don't think it will be an issue. He know he has to pay it he'll probably moan about funding my lifestyle and paying for my nails. But that will make him feel better.

I'll respond to his email later and then contact mediators. I haven't filed for divorce yet should I do that now?

[Splishing]

Could you maybe work out what he should have paid in child maintenance for the last 2 years then say that amount will be offset against what you may 'owe' him if necessary. Don't know about this legally. Also while I appreciate what he may be trying to say about you not paying the mortgage for the last two years anything you have invested before that date will have contributed to its present value especially if the value has increased in that time. Hope that makes sense! Think you really need to get proper legal advice on it all first before attempting to negotiate further. You don't want to end up agreeing to anything that could unnecessarily disadvantage you.

[useless65]

Goodness - why are you asking for so little. I cannot see anything wrong in asking for a percentage of the current value of the house. It is still a marital asset. The purpose of splitting the assets is to rehouse yourself and your children and that will be harder than it was if you only have equity from 2 years ago. This man sounds like an arse who feels no responsibility for financially supporting his kids. If he has not paid for his children all this time you have to ask yourself why he is willing to discuss it now - he will be seeing maintenance as a bargaining tool but I would be amazed if he keeps paying. You need to assume that you have to fight for as much as you can for your children's sake. You need to rehouse yourselves and you need to pay for them for a very long time. If you still feel guilty down the line you can always give him some money back !!

Your letter is too reasonable - when you negotiate it is best to ask for more than what you really want and to know your bottom line. Your bottom line should be no less than 50% of current equity . You have most of the care of your daughter so it is legitimate to ask for 60% and then negotiate down from that. Also ask for child maintenance in back pay - then back down on it (graciously!) if you have to to get to your bottom line.

On the children it seems very unfair as weekends are generally the only down time when you are working - a fair split would be every other weekend. Why does he have every bank holiday ? That is also time off for you from work and you should share the advantage of that. If he can't see her in the week then maybe he could have longer in the holidays . Certainly xmas and birthdays should be alternated.

The threat for going for full custody is likely an empty threat - is there any reason he would get that? If he struggles with shift patterns now how can he possibly manage full custody. Courts prefer shared care and they do think it fair to share weekends and holidays.

It sounds to me that you are rather cowed by him and allowing yourself to feel that your demands are not reasonable. You are being too reasonable in my view . Good luck !

[TestTubeTeen]

Good grief, how come he has claimed so much of the quality time with your child??

I would prioritise this and make sure you get a lawyer who can really fight for this.

Outrageous that you have paid higher rent than his mortgage and he thinks this entitles him to more.

I worry that your letters just give him early notice of what you want. Don't be negotiated down. His replies clearly show he won't be reasonable, so just set a SHL on him, and go straight to mediation.

Lay out exactly what you want in terms of access with your Dd to your lawyer.

[motheroreily]

Thank you for your responses. I am cowed by him.

He is saying all sorts of things. I'll get inheritance and he won't. So it's not fair he'll have a mortgage to 65. I will come into money he won't. But in my head I know that's wrong there's no guarantee I'll get inheritance. I should look into government schemes or save more of a deposit.

I am too soft and hate to make a fuss. And he knows that.

I know I am being reasonable really.

[fusspot66]

FGS woman, get a good lawyer. He has you bamboozled.