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DHave refuses to work. Maintenance?

(23 Posts)
limon Sun 28-May-17 08:38:58

DH stayed at home and worked one day per week up until last September when DD started full time school.

He worked one day a week in paid employment for the 2 years preceeding her birth and he was "developing" a freelance career which has never come to anything. He does approx half a day freelance a week on average.

I have no access to the money he earn's, some is cash in hand, and he refused to disuss family finances and takes no responsibility for family financial matters.

I work full time and do more than half of the housework and childcare.

I bought our house last year, I put down a £25k deposit of my money from sale of my old house (bought with money inherited from my grandmother before we met - we never lived there together).

Before I bought the house we rented.

He has never owned property. Mortgage is in my name - he can't get a mortgage given his employment status and he has never saved, even before we met.

His reason not to work is that it's his choice, that he wants to develop his freelance career (which he's been "trying" to do for 7 years). He tells me it's outrageous that he would be expected to work should we split.

He currently has an entire room to himself as a man cave - sorry "office".

Hes talking about splitting (I want to try to make our relationship work).

Can I ask him to move out if he chooses to split, and find his own place (he thinks he can stay living here, with me earning the money).

Will I have to pay his living his costs given his refusal to work?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 28-May-17 08:46:05

Can I ask him to move out if he chooses to split, and find his own place (he thinks he can stay living here, with me earning the money).

As you are married he has as much right as you to be there.

He doesn't have to leave until divorce and any financial settlements are finalised.

RueDeDay Sun 28-May-17 08:48:34

You are very unlikely to have to pay him spousal maintenance, but your joint and individual assets will be put into a communal pot for division... Final percentage of who gets what will depend on assets owned/responsibility for child/judge on the day etc.

limon Sun 28-May-17 08:53:57


Longdistance Sun 28-May-17 08:54:37

It's unfortunate that you bought a house last year as that's now a marital asset. I don't know why you'd want to try again with him? he sounds selfish and lazy tbh.

He sounds like a complete cocklodger. You're paying for everything, and he's having an easy ride.

limon Sun 28-May-17 09:01:43

Yes he is selfish Longdistance . The reasons I want to try again:

We are married and have a dd
I love him despite everything
I believe with effort we can get back to havzi g a good relationship (dd is 5 and it's been hard adjust g to parenthood in our forties)
I don't want to be away from dd half the week (he will want 50:50)
I don't want to be a single parwent
I don't want to have to give him half the assetts I've built up through 30 years of hard work and the only inheritance I'm likely to get

Mermaidinthesea123 Sun 28-May-17 09:07:16

What a lazy shit. I'd have zero respect for him and would want to get rid of him asap regardless of inheritance.
It will never get better and you will eventually hate him.
Better to sort it out now than in your 50's like me.At least then you'll have time to build some money up again.

limon Sun 28-May-17 09:19:42

mermaid but I will have to sacrifice time with DD and that's unbearable to me. I had her at 43 after 3x miscarriages at 41/2.

Yes he's lazy and selfish.

jelliebelly Sun 28-May-17 09:35:08

Lazy and selfish. If you split how much time in reality do you think he'd want sole responsibility for her??

Better split now than stay together while she is growing up / what kind of example is he setting her of how relationships work?

limon Sun 28-May-17 09:54:20

Listen I really appreciate your comments but u wasn't after a LTB solution . I'm committed to this family. If he wants to split there is little I can do, but for my own reasons I don't want to split in want us to work at our marriage. I also know I can't do that alone. If we split it will be his decision to leave the marriage.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 28-May-17 10:25:34

Why are you on the divorce thread if your committed to the relationship you could ask for this to be moved over to relationship board that might be better

limon Sun 28-May-17 13:19:36

Because he is thinking about leaving.

limon Sun 28-May-17 13:20:59

And talking about splitting up

Intransige Sun 28-May-17 13:23:35

He is thinking about leaving but still living with you??? He couldn't make it much clearer how he views you, could he? You finance his lifestyle.

I assume you've been exceptionally clear with him about this plan not being an option for him?

ExplodedCloud Sun 28-May-17 13:26:58

You can't make him into a good husband if he doesn't want to be one.
If you split up you, he wants things to stay as they are? How does he see that working if you needed to move for work, met somebody else etc?

ImperialBlether Sun 28-May-17 13:32:07

So basically he wants to be free to be with other women while living with you and have you fund his lifestyle?

Hulder Sun 28-May-17 14:51:52

If he is talking about splitting up, I suggest you go and see a solicitor.

I know you want to make things work but if it doesn't work, you will have had proper information about what each of you is likely to end up with - at the moment he seems to be playing on your fears that you will lose your DD for half the week and have to fund his lifestyle to keep you in check.

If you know the real facts rather than his bullshitting, you will feel stronger.

Is this really how you want your DD to grow up? If you do more than half the childcare and can prove it, you already have a good case for him not having 50:50.

Plus logn experience of Mumsnet tells me that every single useless husband starts out saying they want 50:50 and rapidly backtracks when they realise how much hard work it is and how much their children get in the way of their single lifestyle.

limon Sun 28-May-17 16:42:12

Yes I have been clear. I am hoping it is posturing. He absolutely can't be free to be with others and live off me. Absolutely not. I used the word "if" in my OP.

Hulder Sun 28-May-17 18:16:52

He hasn't really thought it through has he?

He must think you are some kind of idiot where if you split up, you would let him stay in the same house, not working, seeing other women, perhaps not divorced or not paying rent even (!) just because he could hold 50:50 custody over your head. Oh and his apparently amazing joint parenting.

What an almighty arsehole.

babybarrister Sun 28-May-17 18:19:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

useless65 Wed 31-May-17 23:50:38

It is difficult giving away 1/2 the assets you've built up over the years but consider - (i) over time the assets will build (house value will go up / savings pot might increase/ pension assets build) and he will always be entitled to 1/2 of the pot unless you split (ii) you will most likely be paying for him as an old man as I assume he has no pension savings - will your pension realistically stretch?
If it pisses you off that he is not working now then this is likely to corrode respect for him - and when respect leaves the building love flies out the window.
My advice would be to go and see a solicitor and get the full picture - then think it through. I did this - it then took me 4 years to make the decision in similar circumstances . You do what you have to do and it's not just about the money of course - but I would be a lot better off now if I had seen the writing on the wall a bit earlier.

CleopatraTheCatLover Wed 31-May-17 23:54:05

He's a cocklodger!

twattymctwatterson Wed 31-May-17 23:56:37

He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. He basically wants to be a single man but continue to leech off you in any way possible. He doesn't love you - you're his meal ticket. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to get yourself a SH lawyer and get him the fuck out of your house. Find your anger l.

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