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Ex has asked kids to lie to me 😥

(6 Posts)
Chatty100 Mon 22-May-17 23:29:06

I am sitting fuming and need to vent to someone. My children (11 and 5) have been asked to lie to me about spending time with their dad's 'friend' and her kids! I couldn't give a monkeys that he is probably seeing someone but he has told them to keep it a secret as it will hurt my feelings!! I am so angry and upset. My kids should not have to even consider my feelings. He spent our entire marriage keeping little things from me and then blowing up at me when I found out - they were usually very innocent things but the fact that he lied about them (coz apparently I would be suspicious) was always the reason that I was actually mad!! I feel so annoyed that he's now asking the kids to do the same. It's not the first time he's told them to lie to me about something and the last time (only weeks ago) I blew up at him so am very surprised it has happened again!
Don't get me wrong, of course knowing my kids are spending time with someone else is upsetting but that's not the issue here. I really think he's being an irresponsible dad by telling them to lie. I really need to have it out with him! Has anyone else gone through similar? I just don't want my kids tangled up in all this, they have begged me not the tell their dad that they let slip as he'll 'go mad that he can't trust them' I'm just so annoyed!!!!!!

ferriswheel Mon 22-May-17 23:37:53

Didn't want to read and run. I am at the start of this awful contact saga. I dread what you do describe.

All I can suggest is what I'm constantly reinforcing with my oldest who I'd 4. That I grew him in my tummy and its my job to know all his stories and feelings and secrets.

I'd start gradually drip feeding that into conversation with your kids.

I'm sorry you are upset. I'm thinking about you. It is very, very unfair and frustrating.

On the plus side, maybe they'll realise he's a prick sooner rather than later.

dddddddddd Mon 22-May-17 23:43:32

Maybe just drop a text along the lines of "DCs have let slip about your new friend, they're worried about what you will say as they didn't mean to tell me and they don't want you to think you can't trust them. Just to let you know I'm not sure why they wouldn't say anything, she obviously means a lot if you have introduced her and I wouldn't like to think the children feel they have to lie to me about this"

I know it's a bit creep but just to keep the peace and not put DCs in an awkward position. Of course, I don't know their father, you do.

Chatty100 Mon 22-May-17 23:43:55

Thank you. One of my friends keeps saying 'they will remember this, and they will make their own judgements eventually.' I guess she's right.
He just doesn't seem to get the basics of parenting sometimes and he has them 3 nights a week so is a big part of their lives.
I tried instilling in my eldest the last time that no one should ever ask you to lie to your mum. But bless him he's been told that I would be upset so he's trying not to hurt my feelings! I've told him I don't mind at all about the woman but I do mind about the lieing. I just hope he has the confidence to say to his dad that he's not going to lie!!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 22-May-17 23:51:31

Could you tell them, reinforce to them, that they will never be in trouble with you and you will never be upset with them for not lying.

Then I would say the same to XH.

Chatty100 Tue 23-May-17 00:09:16

Thanks dddddd and HeartsTrumpsDiamonds. I have re-enforce with the eldest tonight that I am not at all bothered about the woman but am really concerned that he's being asked to lie. I've told him that noone should ask you to lie to your mum.
I will be calling EH tomorrow. Although he is the one who ended it, we have actually been pretty good friends throughout. It's just these little thing that come up and it's always to do with him letting the kids do something inappropriate or something that I think will damage them. He has been very depressed since we split and i feel often is over emotional with the kids and telling them that he's miserable when he doesn't see them. This new one is just another thing that I feel a parent just shouldn't do!
I have know about said woman for months and was initially told she was just a friend that had kids a similar age so they could hang out. He then said they had been on a few dates but that he doesn't want to actually date anyone and that he wants his family back. I feel this might actually be what's behind the kids not telling me about her - he's hedging his bets in case I'll take him back!

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