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Countdown to Absolute - mixed emotions

(4 Posts)
Jaym2017 Sat 13-May-17 16:07:30

STBXH pushed for divorce as soon as he moved out. I know it's the right thing to do.

But the mixed emotions are natural aren't they?

When we separated I knew it was final. I'm not one for going back on a relationship. But honestly with 3 children left with me and having to give up my job etc I never thought I'd end up in another relationship let alone soon. However, I am seeing a lovely guy now, and though I thought it'd be a rebound and wouldn't last, we are good together - though we haven't said any serious words we do talk about the future and make plans. We share a hobby with friends which is nice to get out and about as well as private time.

It's just weird still with STBXH comes to my house (former family home) to see our girls as he has no where to take them. but he's clearly seeing someone now who lives a fair distance away. He's mentioned going there overnight a few times etc and he took a call on his mobile with a female who clearly was a personal call (wasn't eves dropping just mobiles aren't great at blocking voices).

it's made me wonder if there was something there before hand something that made him push for a divorce straight away.

I'm not wanting him back and not out to mend our 17 year marriage / 20 years together. It's just 'odd' and taking me time I guess.

Anyone else feel like this? I've decided to take my maiden name as think this will help my transition too.

Sorry if sound muddled, just helps to off load on here.

Ash81 Sat 13-May-17 17:27:34

It's natural... you spent years togather had children togather
You might have shared good times togather too but it just dint meant for long term
I have 3 kids and I'm on my way to get decree nisi.. I'm having missed emotions
But if he has someone else in his life and you have met someone else too then I think it's better to happen
My stbx doesn't have someone else but I think because of that our divorce is delayed as he never responded... I wish he finds someone else so he can relief me as we just spent life under one roof for social pressures and we had no respect left fr each other..
I too don't have someone else but I pray he gets one as it will ease my life as I can't battle kids meeting him that regularly I want my kids to be calm n nice and focus on their future and study hard.n be good members of society

Don't worry you go into divorce as you knew he wasn't good enough for you

Cheer up and look to your n kids future x

Hermonie2016 Sat 13-May-17 21:03:17

I think it's natural and healthy to reflect on your marriage.Its such a significant part of your life and the ending needs to be acknowledged.I think if you don't have that it's likely to impact on new relationships.

I guess we all feel like marriage is for life but in 50% of cases it isn't yet society doesn't quite know how to deal with it.

I have managed to detach as I'm 6 months separated but know I will feel strong emotions when the absolute comes through..the finality of it and change to me..no longer married after over 16 years of that status.

Preparing yourself for the change is positive but won't protect you have the emotions..just accept them and there will pass.

Good luck for your future

Jaym2017 Sat 13-May-17 22:33:58

Thanks both - I think you're right. What I'm feeling is natural I just hadn't really expected it. I don't feel hurt or angry or anything but sad really. Like losing a friend and part of me - in terms of my identity as Mrs X. I worked hard in marriage and always said I worked hard to be Mrs if anyone called me Miss by mistake. I did think we were in it for life, and it has shocked people as we were together 20 years this year.

But, I guess the grieving isn't quite over. Just less dramatic.

I will have to give myself some space to breath when the absolute arrives. The divorce so far has felt like a piece of paper cancelling another piece of paper that was already wrecked (if that makes sense). I guess a part of me knows it's a bit more than that still now, and need to be prepared for that.

The chap I'm seeing has been divorced before so at least he understands the procedure I guess, though this marriage had the similar time scale mine had (a little longer). We do talk openly about how we're feeling through it all though so that is something.

Thanks again for listening and sharing your insight / experience. Good luck when the time comes. I'll update I'm sure.

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