My marriage is breaking down!

[Jovimum]

My marriage is breaking down and I'm not sure what to do. To cut a very long story short it started with dishonesty. I found some things out which OH lied about, even when shown the evidence he would still not admit it, so the issue of me trusting him was shaky to begin with to say the least.

Sometime after our relationship began I started noticing he was very very attached to his phone, to the point where it would never leave his side, toilet breaks, bathing, sleeping whatever the case may be the phone was with him. I raised it with him telling him how uncomfortable it made me feel as it seemed like he was hiding things he didn't want me to know; obviously he was defensive saying the usual comments about 'it's my phone' 'respect my privacy' 'you are paranoid and untrusting' etc. etc. I mean if you have nothing to hide and your phone activities are not something I'd get upset about then why is it a big deal to him? Even though it bothered me, I tried to put it to the back of my mind and continue with the relationship, though admittedly I feel it has not made me as close to him as I possibly could because of what he may be keeping from me/concealing on the phone.

Despite all of this we got married and had children (I know, I know). A few years and some arguments later (over more questionable activities from him) I recently told him how I have felt over the years and admitted that I have held back a little because he has held back from me. I honestly thought he would change and things would be better after getting married. Obviously he wasn't pleased to hear it and says he can't believe that our relationship/marriage is based on a phone and that my level of trust is something he can't deal with so said he will file for divorce. He refuses to let me have access to his phone even for the sake of our marriage.

To me it's more than that. It's about me being able to trust him and I feel that spouses should not keep things from one another, not phone or other passwords etc. If I'm married to someone I open up with everything I have, my secrets are his secrets. I'm not saying it will solve all our marriage problems and everything will be perfect because nothing is, but for me it will break down that wall of distrust as I feel he wouldn't be hiding things from me.

I want to hear from neutral parties/strangers to get opinions. Am I totally in the wrong here and what should I do about the divorce? I have 2 children so this is one of my main worries.

[NapQueen]

The long and short of it, imo, is that you cant stay married to someone you do not trust.

However phones often become like a fifth limb to some people and your worries "could" be misfounded. I take my phone into the bathroom as I watch stuff on it in the bath. I usually have it to hand round the house. Ive never cheated, never had anyting on my phone I wouldnt want dh to see, and wouldnt care a jot if he picked it up to use. It doesnt have a lock screen either.

Maybe he worried that if he "allowed" you to check up on him once you would do it all the time? That its your issue to get over rather than his responsibility to prove anytbing?

[DreamingofItaly]

I know DP's phone passcode but I don't check his phone, I trust him. He does tend to take his phone everywhere but that's because he plays on it/watches stuff on it. He knows mine. No idea if he checks it, I've got nothing to hide.

My sister didn't know her (now ex) DH's phone passcode, he was very protective of it (was before they married, refused to tell her the code) turns out he was screwing 7, SEVEN other women so no wonder.

Probably not what you want to hear but if you can't trust him, I don't think you have a future with him. Sorry

[josuk]

I get the phone bit you are taking about.
However. How has the actual relationship been over the years?
Do you have fun, laugh, talk? Enjoy intimacy?

Phone on it's own may or may not be the issue. It may be something you have fixated on if other things are not working.

I, frankly, don't get the obsession with trying to check up on the partners. If the relationship is going well - you feel it. If something is wrong - you you feel it too.
Catching and checking up on each other - won't change anything.

And I am too. Also am attached to my phone. Don't know DH passwords, and don't want to.
Have no need to have him have mine.

I do like some privacy. Just feeling that i am an adult, and can choose how much to share.
Some things - i might share with my BFF, and not husband. etc.

[user1466108618]

Hi i could have wrote your post, my other half tends to be very secretive with his phone even having 2 passwords on it. I too have asked him to see his phone and like yours he says not to invade his privacy. Sorry not much advice but just to let you know your not alone.

[Jovimum]

Thanks for your responses. I feel like the trust would be there if he wasn't so secretive with the phone. Or am I just kidding myself?

I understand the taking the phone into the bathroom thing and plenty of people do it, that's for number 2s, for reading or entertainment as you'll be in there a while, but to stuff your phone in your pocket for a 10 second pee? Really? Or to take the bins out? Nobody is that attached to their phone!
It's funny as he tried to insinuate that I may have been hurt in the past by an ex and he's now paying the price for my trust issues but all my ex's were the complete opposite - open and honest (and their phones not glued to them) so I never had to question or worry about anything. They were just crap in terms of long term commitment hence why they're exes!

To answer the question as to what the relationship has been like, it's been good in general, laughs, intimacy, talks (initiated by me mostly) etc but in my writeup above I mentioned arguments and questionable activities, meaning I found female gifts hidden in the house which weren't mine (items he knows I wouldn't use, plus my birthday and Xmas had passed), Internet search for a 'type of woman' in the area and also he used to get phone calls (female names) on a certain day he was always off from work (I would be working from home unplanned or was ill so was home unexpectedly) and he wouldn't answer the call in my presence. If the females are friends then he should have no problem answering the call or telling them he'll call them back if he was busy.

Really it's not as if I will be checking his phone regularly or on a set day and time rather, actions speak volumes - if you leave your phone around me regularly, stopped acting secretive with it then I wouldn't feel the need to check it.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

The fact that you feel the need to check it speaks to a lack of trust in the relationship. In my view my phone is private, it contains private text conversations with friends and I chose whether I share those or not. If someone decided they wanted access to my phone to check on me it would be a sign the relationship was over.

If I'm married to someone I open up with everything I have, my secrets are his secrets.

Im not sure that approach is entirely healthy. You are two separate people with your own stories - there are things I might keep to myself, things I might share with a friend and things I might share with my partner but he doesn’t get everything by virtue of being married - an element of separateness is important.


I found female gifts hidden in the house which weren't mine (items he knows I wouldn't use, plus my birthday and Xmas had passed),

What did he say about this when you asked him?

[sleepymum50]

I’m a very private person and would be uncomfortable with someone looking through my phone. The absolute worst on there might be a snarky comment about my husbands behaviour.

However, the fact he refuses to let you look, even when you are saying how much it fundamentally affects the marriage and your view of him, if that was said to me, then I would hand my phone over in a heartbeat.

The combination of the phone secrecy and having it glued to his side, plus the other things you mention, would make me suspicious.

[Palaver1]

It’s not totally about the phone although that seems to have alerted you.
you know within you somethings not right.
can you withstand this for ever that’s the question.
dont waste a minute longer if within your soul you can’t see a future together I did wasted over 25 years knowing that he was wrong ,
im out but still dealing with life long consequences.