Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

[itsovernow1]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20

[itsovernow1]

Short story: married 20 yrs, 2 kids 19 (1st yr Uni) and 16 (1 yr college) and 1 dog. STBXH decided end Nov/early Dec he wanted out, by end Dec he'd decided he was moving out in Jan. Mortgage on a ( joint) home and debts on credit cards.

I hadn't had a job in 10 yrs, even then it was a temporary one, (long story!) and so I got a job end Dec for start begin Jan. 16 hrs per week in a DIY store, evenings only, shelf stacking.

Currently still in the home, STBXH pays all the household bills. I claim working/child tax credits, although being over paid right now as I did/do overtime and it hasn't been updated yet!
STBXH is filing for divorce, currently filling out all the forms. I'm looking at doing a course to learn microsoft packages to improve my chances of office work employment. That wouldn't start until Sept though.

Stressed and concerned about finding somewhere to live after we sell house - or - I can work out how to still stay here after divorce (tall order).

STBXH thinks it all looks good and easy - on paper - but the reality is very different. He wants a clean break - as do I but...... I want a home (even if we have to move) that will be enough for me, DD and DS - when he's home from Uni.

[kaitlinktm]

Heyhey - I'm first on the new thread Over. Let's keep on keeping on!

[Joysmum]

Glad I've found you again

I can't tell you what's best in your situation.

At least you know you've got the option of cracking on with as much training as you can online in 10 days with the option to extend until a job comes up. It takes a while between going through the application process and your first day if you're successful.

You could also look into whether you would be entitled to any local restarter courses. These can be through your local job centre, colleges and Sure Start Centres.

If you have a local voluntary hub, that's a great source of info as well as a way to get some experience to go on your CV if you can volunteer for a few hours a week, as well as building your confidence which is most important in returning to work.

I did a great course at a sure start centre but that was donkeys years ago.

I've also used this site to search for voluntary work by postcode to gain me experience to go with my qualifications.

do-it.org

[Naicehamshop]

Glad to see that you've started this new thread.

Just want to remind you that you've come a really long way from when you first posted - well done, and koko!

[itsovernow1]

Hey

Sometimes it feels like I'm treading water going nowhere!

This week is PMS week so I'm in that slump again, not as bad as last month but still feeling pointless. Hopefully it will pass in a few days.

Joysmum = my main issue is my confidence and self esteem. I can sit here saying I'll do this and that, when in reality I won't unless I really have to. I know I do have to take stock but any which way I spin things I can't make the figures work so then get into a downward spiral and think what's the point?! This week isn't helping so I'll wait until I feel more in control. But thanks for your suggestions I will re-read next week and see how I feel.

I think another issue is I want a quick fix and sadly this situation doesn't come with a quick fix. I'm an impatient person sometimes! Bad trait.

I'm also pissed and bitter with STBXH> For him, after this is done and dusted, he'll have his freedom and financial security with his decent salary. Entirely my fault I won't have the same, it just grates a little.
The kids (well, adults) won't be living with him (as far as I am aware) or the dog, so he won't have those responsibilities.

[Joysmum]

The confidence thing was my biggest barrier too, that's why I thought I'd put the link to the voluntary job search site I used, it won't affect benefits and my role gave me the self confidence I needed.

[itsovernow1]

Thanks, I'll check it out in a few days.

Why is it when you try to do things the right way it's gets fecked up?!?!? I try to be honest and lose out. Every time.

Decided to separate our joint clubcard account when we split (many cards by both of us - joined), I thought it was the right thing to do, but nope, wish I hadn't. So far I can't see any of the vouchers I am ENTITLED to (my name and clubcard on them as well as STBXH's name and clubcard written). I split them as close to 50/50 as I could but nope, can't access them, when I was assured I could still spend them from my account. We'll see what they say. About £60. that's a lot to me. And will pay for the RAC cover for the next yr. Yes STBX can 'gift' the cover to me if he has all the voucher access but why should he know my business?! They're MY vouchers too!
I knew they'd mess it up. Pretty sure the points total since the accounts were split is messed up too. Why is is so hard?!!!

And while I'm at, the HR lady where I work may be nice, but she has no bloomin' answers for anything I ask! Surely she's the link between me and the company?!?! I shouldn't have to keep phoning people to get answers, that's her job to give them to me! She always seems to pass the buck. It's frustrating!

End of rant for this afternoon!

[kaitlinktm]

he'll have his freedom and financial security with his decent salary. Entirely my fault I won't have the same

No it's not your fault - your childminding, housekeeping, dogwalking, taxiing services allowed him to progress his career. How much would it have cost if you had worked on your career and both you had to outsource all those services?

[itsovernow1]

True, it would have cost a fair bit, but I could have gone back to work a lot sooner had I sorted out my problems. I still have them but as it's just me I can live with them and I NEED to work with them as I need to have work to support me and DD/DS.

[itsovernow1]

There's something demoralising looking at right move and job sites all day realising neither one are within your grasp. I am looking at every job, qualified or not, and really can't imagine getting another one. All office work wants microsoft experience. Trouble is, I need a job to secure even the smallest mortgage for a new place (or the current home).
I'd do anything that didn't involve excel! I can file, type, make coffee, clean bins out, sweep floors, wash cars, mow lawns! Anything!
I am filling out an application at the moment that's quite local and would suit perfectly. I need my bosses email though, so will ask tonight. They don't seem to want an address, just phone and email. Hopefully he won't have a problem giving me an email addy. Not sure if he has a work one. The other ref I've put down doesn't have an email as far as I know so I've had to make an obvious one up as it won't go through without one!
I also have to check work won't have a problem with it, but as 4 of the others have day jobs, it's just a requirement to check I think.

[notangelinajolie]

Hello itsovernow1 Pleased to see your new shiny thread. I'm sure you will gets lots of great advice in this section. Hope your job situation resolves itself soon - I find that sometimes if I take a break from thinking about something for a short while the solution comes to me. Take a few days away from worrying about it all and enjoy the sunshine and long walks with your dog.

I am still stunned at how selfish your EXH (omitting the D ) is. Even after all these months he is still putting himself first. I believe in karma and it will strike back one day.

I see you are still planning on waiting for him to start the divorce proceedings. I was wondering that maybe if you were to initiate the first steps if it might help you feel more in control instead of waiting for him all the time.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I admit I do need to just step back, but it's always at the forefront, I feel if I don't keep looking everyday I'll miss the perfect job! Silly I know.

I'd even wash cars all day for a good enough wage!

I really don't think my STBX has thought about reality. He wants everything done and dusted without looking at how it really will be. He'll be OK, but he probably thinks he's giving me enough time to secure a job etc. Maybe if I had good qualifications it would be, but he knows I don't. Everything we do will benefit him, completely. Sell the house, pay the debts/mortgage and he still gets a healthy equity payment along with his salary to get a decent place to live. I'm the one up the creek without a paddle!

At the moment it's like waiting for the axe to fall. I have no idea how long this will all take or what the outcome will be regarding the financial settlement. The divorce isn't the issue for me to be honest. I'd wait another 2 yrs and do it that way. It's the financial stuff that I'm concerned with. Waiting does benefit me, as all the time it ticks over the mortgage and debts go down.

I have no idea what my STBX thinks will be fair for a settlement, apart from the selling of the house. I mean, if the kids are still living with me, will he contribute anything? I know they're (nearly) adults but they still cost money. Or is that all my issue once things are done.
I mean, I'm also thinking of myself, I admit that, but I'm also thinking of DD (and DS, plus the dog). I can't believe he can just let go of the dog this easily either.

I need to breathe. DS will be coming home for a few days at the beginning of next month for a short visit, so I'll be going with DD and hopefully DS (plus his boyfriend, who he's bringing home for the 1st time) to a theme park for the day, just to chill and forget everything. Yes tickets are expensive but I'll check every avenue to get 2for1 deals, or buy them online a week before, to get them slightly cheaper. It's not something we do regularly and it'll be nice to do something fun.

[itsovernow1]

Not a lot to update. Feeling very deflated at the moment. Not high, not low, just ... flat.
STBXh is helpful with some things but lazy with others. He transferred some money from the joint account at the weekend, took me 3 attempts to get an answer as to why. Apparently the bank put him overdrawn (on his new account) and he doesn't have an overdraft. Needless to say I don't believe him, mainly as the amount(s) he transferred is pretty much exactly what he took out as cash many times before he told me of the separation. (well, he took £1, then £2 then £40, weird sums)
I'm sceptical about something else but won't go into it. Hopefully I am wrong.

Work is getting more complicated. Deliveries have changed to 5 days a week so the boss has done a new rota to make sure we're covered every shift, meaning my days are now Tues-Fri. I do get a long weekend I suppose but then I work 4 nights on the trot. Can get tiring specially if I do over time. Having a night off in-between means I get a good nights (normal) sleep. Will have to see how it goes. I don't mind as such but it's a long week! Not to mention my Monday night off today isn't a holiday an more but a shifted day off. The whole thing is complicated by the fact the young guy, who started the same time as me, has now left (got a day job that pays better, and it's further away so can't work both). Plus it's holiday season so in a few weeks we'll be down 2(3) people all week with more work!

Positive could be me getting more contracted hours. My boss needs more hours as a whole for the shift and he's going to try to get me 30 hrs, which would mean working 5 days a week, more tiring as we're constantly on the go, BUT it's more money and that's one thing I would need for any hope of a mortgage for this place. Doing O/T doesn't count for a mortgage, plus screws up the benefits, which is why I'm not to keen to do too much now, but contract is different for me. I'd make it work. And could take a night off every 3/4 weeks as part of my holiday entitlement to 'recharge'.

[Naicehamshop]

Well, the work situation sounds like it could be positive, anyway.

I know it's hard to keep going and keep working when you are tired, but I bet a lot of your tiredness is due to your stbx's behaviour. The uncertainty and stress you are under must be really draining and demoralising, but it won't last forever- hold on to that thought!

The money thing seems really odd - why on earth is he taking out such strange amounts of money?

[Mise1978]

I think compared to most other posters here who have been left high and dry, you are on solid ground. Qhich is good!

You have a job. Currently a roof over your head. Etc.

Karma is a bitch. I am sure your ex will get his.

Instead of focusing on what he has done, how unfair it is, try now to focus on the positives for you. The freedom of what obviously was a marriage which didn't work etc.

Life is not always fair. That is just how it goes.

Money is not everything. I think you need to focus more on just having a roof over your head, rather than the ability to get a mortgage at this very point in time.

Cs will be paid for the 16 year old. I don't think so for the 18 yesr old.

As for your job. Of course you are tired. You haven't worked in years. It will take time for your body and mind to settle down and get into proper rythym.

Also with the job. Four days a week and a long weekend is a perk most people do not get in this world. Even doing 30 hours a week. Try to think of the positives. You have a job. You are earning enough to live. Etc.

If you've not worked outside of the home for a long time, getting bsck into the swing of things is hard. Take it slow. Focus on the positives.

There must be an abundance of good things you get from no longer being married? Think of those. Or the bitterness of how unfair it all is will eat you up from the inside.

[itsovernow1]

Oh yes, I am lucky that I actually got a job so quickly. Surprised me. I had 2 job offers in 1 week! I think I went for the right one right now though. The other one would have really stressed me out.
The more I read on here the more I realise I am lucky. Just doesn't always feel like it in my head.

I think that's my problem with work right now, it's taking time to adjust to the hours. Trouble is, every time I adjust to a new routine the boss changes it! I'm a routine person. I hate change, which is curtailing my progress I feel right now. Everything seems to be changing and I don't have control of a lot of it. That's taking time to get used to. The hours are catching me out I think as by the end of the day I'm winding down but then I go to work. Then DD is up at 6am to get ready for college! I'm a light sleeper by that time so I wake easily. I don't mind working til midnight actually, I mean, I'm up now for instance. Mainly as my brain won't shut down.... but there you go!

I have to say since STBXh left I don't swear as much! LOL! Not sure why. I'm more relaxed/calmer in my behaviour I think (although my posts here wouldn't suggest it, in general I am!). I can do more around the house than I thought. I'm not panicking in case something breaks - if it breaks it breaks.

This weekend proved how much STBXH wound me up with his behaviour. Me texting with a simple question and expecting an answer - not straight away - but his phone is stapled to his hand so it would be strange he didn't see a text..... him ignoring me twice before replying the 3rd time.... that really got to me. Why not just reply after the 1st time? Actually, why not mention you're taking the money before you take it. I have no problem with it, I told him that after he said he'd pay it back. No need. I did email him and told him a few things that were pissing me off. Probably not wise but it was that kind of day and was just eating away at me.

[notangelinajolie]

Strange amounts of money to be transferring out of account. Hmmm something odd there. Is the joint account for house bills? I'd be tempted to open up another account and move any spare into there to stop him from dipping into it. Or how about you match his withdrawals and take the same for yourself Does he think you won't notice if the amounts are small!!??

[itsovernow1]

He hasn't come clean about what the previous withdrawals (back in Oct/Nov) were so won't come clean now. And I can tell he's lying as he won't answer me. I ask about anything else, and he'll talk but cash? nope.
The joint account is for household bills and the debts to be paid from each month.
That will be the good thing about a divorce. I'll be rid of him and his lies. Makes me wonder what other things he's been lying about over the years. Questioning everything. 20 yrs wasted.

[kaitlinktm]

It isn't wasted Over - you have your children and the 20 years is all part of your journey (sorry, I know that's cheesy but couldn't think of a better way - getting ready for work) which makes you the person that you are.

Still I know what you mean - it's great when the finances are separate and you don't have to sift through lies. Your dc are a similar age to what mine were when we divorced and after a very few years I didn't have to communicate with XH at all - haven't spoken to him for years and hadn't seen him for years until I nodded to him at his mother's funeral last year. I have a different life now (no partner) and I like it - so peaceful (mostly - can't always be peaceful when you have dc, even grown-up ones).

[itsovernow1]

Oh yes, they're both good kids too. Most of the time! Just hoping DS isn't too much like his dad. :/

Trouble is, I think the past 20 yrs have contributed to the person I am and don't want to be. I haven't grown. At all. Just older. I was a better person before STBXH and I have been, how should I put it, my growth has been stunted. Not his fault, mine completely as I didn't put any effort in to grow and I have my issues. I think I needed someone who'd encourage me and challenge me, STBXH would just agree if I didn't want to do something (because of confidence or esteem issues) and we'd still go about our business as it was. Fine for some couples but not me. I can appreciate he probably got sick of it. I did.

Hopefully I won't have to see or speak to STBX for much longer as he just drags me down. The communicating is so difficult and it eats away at me. Being ignored sometimes has an effect. Don't get me wrong, he can be helpful, but with things that are material (like email not working etc..). Then he's fine.

I can't imagine a different life. I can't imagine feeling happy to wake up. Right now I'm just treading water and really couldn't care less. It's a weird week, nothing particular has happened, I just feel flat. Don't think it's specifically about the divorce. Just me. I'll be happy when DD goes to Uni (if she does, I guess) as I won't have to worry about how I act in front of her. Going to work and trying to be happy is tough. Even taking the dog out is getting more difficult. I'm tired. Hoping next week changes. I'm a moaning b*tch, which isn't who I want to be.

I've read so many stories of people coming out the other side of this situation, I'm glad you have your peaceful life kaitlinktm. Did it take long or is it still a journey?

[notapizzaeater]

Haven't read all the thread but you are doing great :-)

[kaitlinktm]

It is still a journey. I sometimes look at my contemporaries (I am nearly 62) who are still married and think of what could have been. But in my case it couldn't have been.

I won't say that I am lonely because I'm not. One of my DC is still at home - doing repairs to his house - and should move out in the next year or so, so I don't actually live alone yet, but I don't think it will bother me.

I really feel I wouldn't want to live with anyone again - I would always keep my own home - but it might have been nice to have someone to share some evenings and holidays with, but I can't think it's that important as I haven't made much attempt to find anyone. I work part time and tick along - I don't have to apologise for watching crap on TV, I can cook or not cook what I like, buy what I like in groceries (for ages I would put stuff in the basket that he likes, not me - weird).

It's peaceful - and your life will be too. There are aspects of my personality/character that I feel were adversely affected by being with Ex - I know what you mean - but whoever you live with for that amount of time (29 years together and 23 years married in my case) it's going to affect you. It's probably only you who sees these negatives traits to your character. Just remember, none of us is perfect - least of all those who think they are.

[itsovernow1]

kaitlinktm - thank you. You sound at peace with your life now. I want to get to that place.

I've always been lonely and that won't change. I don't want to live with anyone again. For the reasons you state and also I'm not good at making friends let alone anything else! I'm not sure I could trust anyone again either. I always got the feeling STBX was lying throughout the marriage (which I have been proved right on one occasion). Not to mention I have so many issues that I won't address, if they only affect me I can handle that.

I have a feeling DS (finishing 1st yr Uni) might come back after his course (depends on a job I suppose) and DD hasn't left yet so I won't be alone for a while! She might not even go to Uni.

I look at couples now thinking 'that's it, all over' and I will miss having someone there to talk to and do things with as part of a couple. We didn't do a lot together as such, but even going to the shops or on holiday, it's different.

[itsovernow1]

Work could get complicated. Not so much now, but in the future. The boss wants to up my hours, which I'm fine with, we've agreed on 28, so 5 nights a week, but one night will be shorter hours so I can at least have dinner with DD! If I do the amount the boss wanted and DD was at college all day I'd never see her all week. Plus I'd still like a part time one during the day, to break the work up.

Anyway, now it seems like it's falling into place but in reality by this time next yr the job might not exist. They didn't get planning permission for the new site and the lease at the existing site expires in March. No one has any clue what is going on or whether the lease can even be extended. A couple of us on my shift need this job as it's the only job we have. The others are either married and their husbands have jobs, so would have time to look around, or the guys all have 2nd jobs during the day so wouldn't lose their only income. We're not even sure if the company would give us much notice other than the legal requirement in this situation. What I thought was a good job is now one of uncertainty and I don't like it!
I need to spend the next yr sorting out another day job and maybe doing the microsoft qualifications (which woulnd't end til May next yr).