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Should I just set my solicitor on him or

(26 Posts)
longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 00:42:05

continue trying to come to an agreement?

We still live in the same house, got decree nisi, he has been emotionally abusive, not sorted finances yet, agreed teenager moving with me to my home country (at mediation, not yet legally). Both early fifties.

Mediation - done two. He insists that he needs 60% of equity (which less mortgage is worth around £310-320k) as will need to buy a flat. and property cheaper in my home town.


I have been saying that I would settle for 50/50 just to get this over (teenagers exams are looming and is getting stressed about curriculum elsewhere!). Solicitor saying I should hold out for more.

there was no danger that he would take this as he keeps saying he wants 60%. He says he'd jack in his job and buy a campervan and I could whistle for child support if he didn't get enough to buy flat in a good enough area (that wasn't too rough) with only the small mortgage that he could get. I'm 'trying to screw him over'. Charming. Oh, yes - he hasn't even bothered to see a solicitor for advice - does not know just how reasonable I am being.

Mediator couldn't get us to agree and left it to us to talk and to get back to her within a month if we thought we could agree.

I resigned myself to setting my solicitor on him (who also suggests that we do the child removal thing in the court as x could take that back as not legally agreed)

I looked on calculator on wikivorce which says I could get 70% (wow, no mortgage!). this would make a big difference as I don't have qualifications and won't earn heaps even after I actually find a job.

So this would all take longer but would be a financially better outcome than I thought possible (for me and teenager).

Today he suggested that I show him website for prospective school and to show him properties available (this was one of his sticking points that it is much cheaper than I am trying to make out and that I am deliberately picking an expensive area) - while teenager is out tomorrow.

At first glance this seems to be him trying to be reasonable , to come to a sensible agreement.

Is it that he is coming to the realisation that court won't do him any favours?

God, I just want this all over. But at what expense...

Let's see what he says....

If you have made it this far - sorry, didn't realise I needed to get so much out!

KickAssAngel Mon 01-May-17 00:56:07

He's just as capable of looking up housing prices as you are, so the only reason to ask you to show him is an excuse to start an argument.

I would start down the path of a solicitor. It sounds like any 'agreement' you get to he will backtrack on asap, so I wouldn't trust it.

Are you looking for a clean break, or expecting some support from him? That will make the most difference to how assets are divided once you've agreed how DC will be cared for and how much time spent with each parent.

abbey44 Mon 01-May-17 01:11:36

If you go down the solicitor route, try to get one who won't take shit from him. Mine was much too soft and negotiations were more a caving in - she didn't believe he was as ruthless and determined to hang on to 'his' assets as I said he would be.

It all went through Court and I ended up with about 30% of our joint assets, despite having our two children with me, in a clean break settlement, although he did (reluctantly) agree to child maintenance and school fees. It felt like getting blood out of a stone, and to this day he still feels - and tells anyone who will listen - that I was a gold-digger who took him to the cleaners. I bloody wish...!

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 01:27:23

Hi KickAssAngel (love the name! )

DC may make it back for holiday before 18... Will be living with me abroad.
X says he will pay support but that the more I take the less likely that is...
Teenager also wants to go to university. Is bright and hard-working. Would want support while at uni too.

Ideally I'd want lump sum so I was sure of it and didn't have to chase him from abroad. A clean break sounds bloody marvellous. But not something he'd agree to as this would cut into his money for a flat.

I can see i have plenty more nights lying trying to get to sleep ahead of me.

And you're right. Perhaps I'll just send him the link to the school

Oooh and to the wikivorce calculator!

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 01:37:30

Only 30%? Sounds like your pot must have been bigger than ours. School fees, if only! I'm sorry you feel so let down by your solicitor. These men like to spin a good story. God knows what mine will say about me once it's finally over.
My solicitor actually is also a family court judge so I'm hoping this helps if he has to to more than formalise x and my agreement.

onethousandandonepapercuts Mon 01-May-17 06:40:18

I hope things go well for you in mediation longing. I found it very tough. We have one three hour session booked next weekend and if no agreement is reached we will be making applications to court.

Mines already been bleating to our mediator "what about my needs?" "I need some where to live too". The gold digger references started when I pointed out to him that I'd need more that 50% to adequately house me and dds.

The reaslisation stbx is willing to deprive his children of a similar standard of living to what they've been accustomed to is shocking. I really picked a dud on that front.

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 10:09:26

'No one is thinking about what I need'

That's all we've been thinking about for years. We've walked on eggshells for your needs.

These mediators don't have an easy or pleasant job.

I think I shall email him link to school of choice and wikivorce and compose a message to my solicitor.

Have to cope with visit from MIL and FIL later this morning. DC going out. So just me and x in. That will be awkward.

onethousandandonepapercuts Mon 01-May-17 10:20:21

YY. Are we married to the same man child?

Ex has been coming across as this affable guy struggling to come to terms with the end of his marriage, wanting 50/50 shared care. That was until he was asked to look at the available schools etc. Of course he didn't, as he expected me arrange the visits for him. It now turns out that he's moving back to his one bed batchelor pad and expects dds to stay with mil on weekends with him.

Yikes, are you on good terms? I don't envy you there longing, I hope it goes ok.

Namechanger2015 Mon 01-May-17 10:29:32

Personally I would settle. My ex offered me a realistic sum - it was less than 50% of the assets by far, but I could have started again on that amount.

My sols and barrister advised me to fight for more, which I did, and ended up in front of an unreasonable judge who sided with ex. I've lost pretty much everything and have huge legal bills to pay.

The sols who acted like my best friends beforehand, now do not give a monkeys. They advised that the judge made his decision and that's that.

If I had accepted I would have saved an additional year of stress and court fees and could have looked forwards to a new life instead of fighting someone unscrupulous who really does not care about fair.

In your shoes I would accept and walk away.

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 11:31:28

Our assets only total around £310k.
we now live and work in Hounslow borough so it won't go far.
The 40% he wants me to accept to look after me and DC I don't think is reasonable.

No we're not on particularly good terms. It's really stressful living in same house but I can't afford to rent and live and he won't even consider moving out until house sold.

KickAssAngel Mon 01-May-17 14:29:55

Your assets also include savings, and any pension pots, not just equity in the house.

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 14:54:20

Ok up to £345k plus my small pension I'm waiting to hear back from.
Oh yeah. He's worked hard for his pensions so doesn't think they should be in pot. All earned in last few years as we didn't bother before then as we would be retiring in my home country after joining pensions there once we moved as a family. He has been dangling this move in front of me for many years.

In-laws been and gone

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 15:02:19

it was as delightful as anticipated. Two hours of small talk of local roads and bike routes and their neighbour's and house prices.
They are ok but...
but he has two sisters who are dysfunctional in their own ways...

onethousandandonepapercuts Mon 01-May-17 16:02:26

I personally wouldn't accept less than 50% especially if it means you'll struggle to house yourselves. Ime I would rather have the certainty of a reasonable settlement rather than the promise of child maintenance. From what I've read the CMS or whatever they're called are completely incompetent where the nrp doesn't pay.

longingforalife Mon 01-May-17 16:16:13

I think I have to get solicitor stuck in as he will never in a million years agree to me having even half of equity let alone a clean break child mtc payment. I will email tonight.

Thank you all for your contributions so far. I do feel less alone

longingforalife Tue 02-May-17 22:27:17

Sunday he suggested that while DC is out on Monday I show him website of prospective school and what properties are available (in my home town - abroad).
Initial thoughts - ooooh, he is starting to be reasonable
Second thoughts - he just wants to beat me down

Never mentioned it all day on Monday until was off to bed - 'You didn't show me #country#'
I rather sarcastically commented that he can google it himself.

In fact went on line today and found 5 properties for him under 50% share of equity plus small mortgage that he reported (with no evidence) was all our current lender would give him. He reckons he needs £30k more than this.

Also went on line and found about five for us in surrounding area of school that were much more than he told the mediator he found - like double. He's an idiot.

If I have to I will settle for 50/50 - won't live well but will be rid sooner.

He still doesn't get that this is in contrast to the 70/30 that the court may well decide. and not in his favour. and that the fact that I have offered 50/50 and then he wastes the courts time may not go in his favour either.

Am I making that last bit up?

God, this feels endless.

longingforalife Wed 03-May-17 17:52:59

Holy cow!
I got home and he's been googling...
Has agreed to 50/50
I said we've got to move fast.
Before he changes his mind and before my solicitor can talk me into taking x to court!

It's not a train coming towards me - it's the end of the tunnel!


MrsBertBibby Wed 03-May-17 18:16:12

Well done!

Suebromley Sun 07-May-17 12:58:20

Some are you very niave do you not realise why solicitors want you to fight on?.. So they get more money!,

babybarrister Mon 08-May-17 14:07:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longingforalife Mon 08-May-17 23:12:00

-mediation booked for Friday
- We were out in the garden improving at the weekend - together... shovelling and shifting soil
- yes, solicitor says he could have got me more
- must make appt with him before Friday meeting
- x said that he would see the house in ashes before I got 65-70% from court - and he wonders why I want shot of him....
- He would have just delayed as much as he could to be an arse as he knows we most want to move quickly (for DCs exams)
- he suggested more in child support than I was thinking - not heaps as he doesn't earn heaps
- met someone who wants to buy down my road! details in my phone for when sorted.
- have established that I can get a loan to cover emigration costs to pay back when have house funds
- solicitor saying not leave before house sold and money in my hand. Which may be tricky as I have flights to buy, shipping to book and more crucially a dog to transport and need at least 50 days notice.

Once we accept an offer how long does it take these days to complete? Not bought since 1990s!

Should I book ourselves to leave around the possible completion date and hope for the best?

And breathe

RockPaperCut Tue 09-May-17 22:18:17

I'm glad things are progressing for you. Good luck for Friday.

From offer to completion you're looking at least 10-12 weeks often more if there's a chain. We've managed 9 weeks on a chain free property in the past, so it's definitely doable. Just make sure you instruct your solicitors to pick up the phone as opposed to snail mail, you'd think it's a given these days.

longingforalife Tue 09-May-17 23:14:27

Thanks, RockPaperCut

blimey, 9 weeks!

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for buyer currently renting and x finding a property where the previous owner has died!

longingforalife Fri 12-May-17 22:57:19

We have an agreement.....

50/50 on house and savings
keep own pensions (smallish)
I take DC abroad
he pays child mtc till end of uni

house goes on market in a month

Blimey. don't know what to feel.
Should be agreed at court and have decree absolute in about five weeks.

It seems that I may actually be approaching the time when I get to figure out what exactly I want as a life. Scary!

RockPaperCut Sat 13-May-17 13:11:39

That's brilliant longing, you must be so relieved.

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