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STBXH turning children against me.

(12 Posts)
Harvestmoonsobig Sat 29-Apr-17 16:57:46

And in the past when I'd read a thread of this kind my immediate reaction would have been 'no smoke without fire'. With that in mind I have really tried my best to be as neutral as possible during the really stressful time since STBXH told me he wanted a divorce.

I feel that the only route open to me now is to let them go, continue to work on my own behaviour that has brought us to this place, build the life I deserve to have and leave the door open should the children decide to return.

Anyone else in this situation with some sound reassuring advice.

Am I that blinkered to my shortcomings? Or is this the reality of divorce? I understand why this process becomes so overwhelming.

Isadora2007 Sat 29-Apr-17 16:58:56

I'm not sure what has happened? Are you saying your children have chosen to live with their dad rather than you? How old are they?

Harvestmoonsobig Sat 29-Apr-17 17:29:24

Good question thanks.

2DDs - 16 and 18.

In anger, 18yo told me STBXH has shown her my emails to him in order to justify why he has refused to initiate any contact with me since December.

There is nothing in those emails that I regret nor feel are inappropriate to share with or anyone, if there is a right of reply.

STBXH stonewalls, I would bottle up and then get so frustrated, hence emails since December. Hence the breakdown in our relationship. Rather than responding to me, he is doing it through the children. I realise that I have done the same in the past and have really tried my best to not do this since the decision to separate, hence I want out.

She is not interested in my point of view.

16yo has gone to live with him.

I have turned my life upside down to try to accommodate the children. I feel overwhelmed by pressure.

I am naturally a people pleaser and part of the responsibility I take for the breakdown in my relationship is not being assertive, so bottling up feelings which resulted in an atmosphere of resentment. I am trying to change this behaviour. I know that children will feel confused by a different attitude.

The reason I have been fearful in the past of being assertive is that I will be left. This is now the reality. Hence the request for some reassuring sharing of experience.

Harvestmoonsobig Sat 29-Apr-17 17:34:52

This tread is cathartic. It's giving me an opportunity to work through my own culpability.

Accepting the part I have played in channelling my animosity through the children, and I do not say this likely. Should I trust that if I continue to work on myself, then, this will be good or is the brave thing to accept I have made a terrible mistake and ....

and this is the part that I do not know.

OfficerVanHalen Sat 29-Apr-17 17:41:39

God what a twat he is. Involving children of any age in the minutiae of a break up is emotional abuse, and that is what he has done by showing those emails. This must be small comfort to tou now op but you are well rid of this man. All you can do is keep the lines of communication with your dds as clear and welcoming as humanly possible and let them know that you will always be there for them. Because he is an emotional abuser, they can't hide it forever, nor can they change, and your dds will realise this one day and need you very much then. But jesus, how awful for you in the meantime, i wish i had better advice but all i have is sympathy.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 29-Apr-17 17:46:05

I have been there.
Exh playing Disney dad and slagging me off for nearly ten years.
Making my life hell.
Then ds x2 saw the light. (14+12)
And both live with me full time with nc with df.
What goes around really does come around.
Take a deep breath and start enjoying your life. . Gain mental strength after the fall out. .
Be patient.
Karma will follow. .
flowers

Harvestmoonsobig Sat 29-Apr-17 17:56:39

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I think I've been so naive. It's bloody hard work growing up.

DayToDayGlobalShit Sat 29-Apr-17 22:31:36

Unbelievable, showing emails to the children. What kind of dick of a parent would want to get kids onside in that way. Only a sicko would involve the kids. Be patient, they will come round.

Harvestmoonsobig Sun 30-Apr-17 09:33:52

Yep. They're both now said they're living with their Father.

Once upon a time I would have felt it is a competition and I've lost. Now, I feel as I said up-thread, I feel a duty to make the life now that I deserve, that is absent of this emotional roller coaster.

A day like today is a day where a proper treat is required.

Harvestmoonsobig Sun 30-Apr-17 09:44:05

This is the day I have been dreading for so long, but which I feel sufficiently resilient to be able to manage. But I will keep saying that I relieved not to be part of this emotional rollercoaster any more.

If you don't mind I'm going to keep posting on this thread; it really helps to process the feelings when you know it could possibly be read. If anything it'll stop me from wittering on.

Atenco Sun 30-Apr-17 10:03:25

That is really rough on your children that you have both involved them in your marital problems, Harvestmoon, as you now realise. But what is done is done, though at some point it might be appropriate to acknowledge your part in this to them.

They are nearly adults and would have been moving out shortly anyway. Time for you to work on yourself.

Harvestmoonsobig Sun 30-Apr-17 10:28:31

Atenco - fair point. I think the most destructive way I personally involved the children in my marital problems was firstly to have bottled up my feelings resulting in a bitter resentment and secondly not to have left when the relationship made me unpleasant.

In an ideal world where emotional and financial security would have been available to get me through and so I get the children through. That was not available.

I also didn't want the children split between two homes when they were younger as well as ensuring they had a good relationship with their Dad. How ironic for my current circumstances, that they indeed have that. smile And I am pleased about that. It's not right to undermine a relationship with anyone.

I think in that respect, children are involved in the marriage. It is intrinsic to family life.

It is now that the children see how to manage when relationships breakdown how to manage that difficulty.

I guess what I'm learning to do now is to be resilient when my family are being alienating me. It is today that I creating the life I want and to be the person I want to be.

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