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Divorce and strained friendships

(6 Posts)
Helsbels44 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:10:46

Just wondering if anyone else has experience/advice on how to deal with feeling let down by friends during the divorce process. I live in a small community and many of my friends are also friends with my soon to be ex-husband. We're going through quite an acrimonious divorce and legal proceedings and while the majority of friends are being hugely supportive, there are a couple who I feel hurt by.

I appreciate they are trying not to take sides but - if I'm being honest - I almost want them to. I'm also surprised by the number of friends who think that a 50:50 shared care arrangement for the children is perfectly acceptable when I doubt they would ever agree to something like that if the tables were turned....

I know I should focus on my children and getting my life back on track right now, and to simply seek out and be with those friends who are supportive. But it's hard not to feel let down, disappointed and extremely hurt, particularly when it's friends you really care about...

So just a bit of a moan but also wondering if others have experienced this and what advice you might have. Thanking you in advance.

Hermonie2016 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:32:40

I think you do find out who your real friends are when going through a divorce.

Although I also think friends can feel caught in the middle.A very good friend of mine talks to my ex, he might assume she is neutral yet I know she isn't!

A marriage breakup involves losses and friends can be included in that.Its a very painful time.
I agree that 50:50 may not always work well as I think dc need some stability and most dads are not in careers that enable them to spend time with dc s, especially if mum was sahm.

If it recent then don't expect too much from yourself.I'm 6 months down the line and starting to have more good days.

Helsbels44 Wed 26-Apr-17 16:59:03

Thanks! I think some friends believe the shared care arrangement should be 50:50 as he was a stay at home Dad, even though I've always worked flexibly from home. There's also the slight issue of him being alcohol dependent, which is why I'm fighting the overnight stays until he seeks proper help. But nevertheless, I'm always slightly surprised that women seem to think A, that 50:50 shared care is in the best interest of the children (when they need a stable home base) and that B, 50:50 should work for us because I've been the breadwinner, even though they would never consider that if in the same situation themselves...

thepennyshop Thu 27-Apr-17 16:57:18

I know where you're coming from - I too felt really badly let down by friends.

It was actually my old friends who were totally unsupportive and some new friends who were really supportive to me.

It's a shame that just when you need it most people aren't there for you.

I totally agree with you about 50:50 how dare they say that when they'd never do it themselves.

Probably best not to talk to them about it - as it's not up to them anyway.

I feel your pain, and hopefully you'll be through the worst of it soon xx

intheairthatnightfernando Thu 27-Apr-17 22:49:27

I've been through this too. I decided I didn't want these people in my life. I now don't speak to one of my previously closest friends as she let me down so completely at the time of my separation. I still feel bitter towards her and don't miss her at all. Ex is welcome to her.

My advice is, surround yourself with the lovely friends who do support you. My friends absolutely got me through it, and I mean the friends who rallied round me and dropped him completely. I still feel unable to accept much friendship from people who are friends with him. I think I'll always feel that.

You have so much hurt going on just now. Pull back from unsupportive friends suggesting you shouldn't fight for the residential arrangement you want for your kids. I would boil with rage at that! Cut them out, I truly would. You don't need any more negativity.

Hope you have some lovely people around to keep you going.

Helsbels44 Fri 28-Apr-17 17:31:36

Thank you ladies for your lovely messages and support! And yes I'm very lucky as I do have many supportive friends who are rallying around. One has even given me the keys to her house so I can work there during the day while the children are at school (I'm also seeking an occupation order so the children and I can get back in our home).

Divorce is such a horrible, stressful mess and I don't really have time for people who aren't there for me 100% right now. I'm beginning to realise who my real friends are and actually that's no bad thing smile

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