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Verge of separating - lawyer or mediation?

(9 Posts)
RainbowHash Mon 24-Apr-17 15:12:33

Husband and I are on the verge of separating after a substantial amount of unhappiness and hitting a brick wall in Relate. I am a bundle of nerves and fear right now as I prepare to make the final call at our Relate session tomorrow morning.

I am wary of how this is going to play out, regardless of him saying if we did split he would not be antagonistic. We own a house, although deeds are in his name, I earn a lot less than him (part time) and we have two kids - 7 and 5.

Would you recommend a SHL for these early stages of a separation, or do you think mediation will be okay? Or would you start with mediation then move to SHL if required? (Bearing on mind I will be devastated if he goes for 50/50 - I want him to have EOW).

Currently feeling sick to my stomach, but for various reasons, I don't have much choice other than to proceed in this way :-(

babybarrister Mon 24-Apr-17 15:39:33

go and get legal advice first and then armed with advice you can go to mediation

resolution has a list of specialist family lawyers or you can say more or less where you are and I may be to recommend someone

family mediation is always meant to take place "in the shadow of the law"

RainbowHash Mon 24-Apr-17 15:46:32

Thanks babybarrister, that sounds like a good plan. I'm in the Richmond upon Thames area. Any SHL recommendations would be appreciated.

babybarrister Mon 24-Apr-17 19:49:39

Jolene Hutchinson at Blaser Mills punchy or Sara Hill at GDA solicitors or Emma Rothstein at Pearson Hards are all near you

avoid central London firms unless you want to pay for their high rents ....!

MrsBertBibby Mon 24-Apr-17 20:02:14

Ian Lipscombe at Pearson Hards has struck me as very sensible and experienced.

catrin Mon 24-Apr-17 22:30:26

Two things: it may get antagonistic - such things tend to. Be prepared. Secondly : many people (me included) stay because we are petrified of losing our babies for any minute of any day. Trust me - if you do split, you will hate not seeing them, but as a single mum will benefit hugely from a little respite.

Garlicansapphire Mon 24-Apr-17 22:37:00

I'm not convinced about mediation - they can be not very bright and tend towards just getting one side to agree with the other rather than working from a fair starting point and negotiating from there. But definitely get legal advice and negotiate.

Hermonie2016 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:11:25

Get legal advice first however mediation is encouraged although as Garlic says I was extremely disappointed with mediation.A friend had similar experiences.
They are keen to get agreement so fairness goes out the window.My ex's offer was woeful and mediator said nothing! She was extremely weak.

If you and your ex can agree finances between you then that is best, a solicitor can then draw up an agreement.

If it has to go to court then you need mediation sign off.

It would be good if you draw up a budget for moving on solo and that will give you an idea of what you need.Then work out tax credits etc, see calculators on line.
If you know his salary you can also do CSA calculator.

Assume 50% of house as starting point and other assets including pensions as this is very important.

Ideally you keep it amicable but in my case ex turned hostile very quickly.He wants to punish me for leaving so emotions can change people.

RainbowHash Tue 25-Apr-17 23:05:21

Thanks so much for all the advice - is really very much appreciated and I'm taking it all on board.

As it turns out, I chickened out of making anything final today. So the Relate continues.

Feeling a bit deflated - back to being in limbo. But least my state of panic is over (for now). But I'm pretty sure a separation is on the horizon so will be pursuing legal advice regardless.

Thanks again

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