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ExH has moved away: now what?

(15 Posts)
ThomasRichard Wed 19-Apr-17 14:26:36

ExH and I divorced last year. We have 2 DC and have/had an informal arrangement whereby he would have them 2 nights during the week every other week and every other weekend, plus 4 weeks spread over the various school holidays and half the school training days.

Now he has just informed me that he has moved to a new house 2 hours away. This is done already, he has already moved etc. confused He didn't tell me in advance and in his email he says that we'll have to talk over the next few weeks about how this will affect the arrangements with the children.

What do I do now? Obviously he can't have them during the week as it's far too far to get back for school and nursery. Weekends were Saturday morning-school drop-off on Monday morning but now it's going to have to be Sunday evening, isn't it?

He's dropped me right in it in terms of me now having no time without the DC apart from one night every other week. There's absolutely no discussion, or comeback, or anything. He's just walked away.

What do I do? How do I approach this?

randomuntrainedcuntowner Wed 19-Apr-17 14:32:20

Not a lot probably. Seems they can just do this kind of thing. However I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I cannot move anywhere and would be vilified if I did because dp likes having dd 50% (so he doesn't pay maintenance). However if he just decides one day that HE wants to up and move and therefore reduce contact.I will just have to lump it I suspect... However I would make him pay maintenance.

I am assuming because he will now have them less you will make him pay more?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Apr-17 14:34:13

He's a wanker. Who does that? You don't say how old the DC are but do they know yet and if not when's he going to tell them?

I'd ask him what he proposes as the new contact plan, it's his mess to sort out, and then see how you feel. I wouldn't be taking on the hassle of working it out yourself in the first instance.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. What a knob and an ex for an obvious reason.

2 hours isn't a million miles so you'll probably end up with longer weekends. Can he collect them Friday evening e.g.? It won't affect how much he has them in the holidays either. But like I say, you're not the one fucking off miles from your family so I'd wait and see what he suggests. You have to make them available for contact but that's all.

Contact the CMS and work out how much more money you'll now be able to get as he won't be having many overnights, and hope that the increase helps mitigate the stress by being able to pay for more childcare.

ThomasRichard Wed 19-Apr-17 15:12:49

He's already paying me less than he should because he was self-employed for a year and paid himself minimum wage + a huge amount in dividends hmm Even paying me what he actually should pay won't cover the extra childcare I'll have to fund.

The DC already know he's moved. They're the ones who told me about it!

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Apr-17 15:15:03

Is he self-employed at the moment? If not then get onto the CMS today and open a claim.

randomuntrainedcuntowner Wed 19-Apr-17 15:29:08

I would ask what his plans are in regards to contact and maintenance. If it is not acceptable to you then tell him you will seek legal advice CMS.

ThomasRichard Wed 19-Apr-17 15:31:26

No he's employed and I opened a case with the CMS last year. The latest figures provided to HMRC are from his year of self-employment so when I queried with the CMS they said they couldn't do anything unless I had bank statements or a payslip or he reported the change in income himself. Chocolate teapot springs to mind!

ThomasRichard Wed 19-Apr-17 15:33:49

Apparently he's going to see how it goes and then tell me what's happening. The DC have to be at school/nursery for 8.45, which means that they will need to leave his house at 6.45 at the latest. Then a trip around the M25 and the same back again at the end of the day. A 4-hour commute for two small children?! It's ridiculous but if I say anything he'll then make it my problem to resolve.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 19-Apr-17 15:42:00

I hate to say it, but he is disconnecting from the children. I wouldn't be surprised if he has very little contact this time next year.

aginghippy Wed 19-Apr-17 16:18:22

'She how it goes' meaning what? He is not going to see the dc for the next few days or weeks until he decides what to do?

I agree with MadameCholet it sounds like he is disconnecting from the children.

ThomasRichard Wed 19-Apr-17 22:17:21

I really hope not; the DC would be devastated sad

HappyJanuary Sat 22-Apr-17 21:04:38

I suspect weekends will become Friday evening to Sunday evening, and holidays won't change, but the mid week overnights will be difficult.

My xh lives a similar distance away but in two years has never wavered, and does all the driving, so it is possible if he is committed.

Get your excuses prepared for when he asks you to meet him half way, unless that's something you wouldn't mind doing!

ThomasRichard Sat 22-Apr-17 23:19:42

He's come back with a long email about how he has the children's interests at heart, blah blah, and will so generously pay his share of the childcare costs up until the end of May. He will also <gasp> pay the minimum statutory child maintenance amount, to the very penny. His generosity and thoughtfulness know no bounds hmm

Just last week he was lecturing me about avoiding my responsibilities as a parent (because I was going to work as normal rather than booking the day off at the last minute to cover a teacher training day that he's know about since September) angry

I'm going to look into counselling for DS. He's a lovely little boy and I'm concerned that a recent streak of pointlessly spiteful behaviour is him being confused, angry and upset as he gets old enough to understand the split sad

aginghippy Sun 23-Apr-17 09:28:40

Sorry he is showing his true colours Thomas.

Of course moving away from his children and seeing them less often is in their best interests hmm

fridascruffs Mon 24-Apr-17 18:11:24

When exDP announced he was going overseas for several months, i just asked him what he was going to do with the children as the court order , which he had pursued to have a 50-50 care arrangement, stated that he not just saw the children for half the week, but was responsible for them. he was quite taken aback at the idea that he couldnt just leave me to it. He made arrangements with a childminder and paid for it while he was away
Eventually he left the country though (with one week's notice) and there was no chance he was going to pay for childcare after that, and he pays no maintenance either. he sees them a few times a year. On the up side, i feel no pressure to do him any favours, and when i took the kids out of school for a few months to travel, i did not ask his permission.

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