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Further support for those starting the divorce process

(668 Posts)
NotJanine Tue 11-Apr-17 09:22:31

New thread so we can carry on supporting each other smile

PandoraMole Tue 11-Apr-17 09:28:04

Hello. I've asked MNHQ to delete mine - I'd made a typo anyway!

Knittedfrog Tue 11-Apr-17 10:01:51

Thanks for the welcome on the end of the last thread.
Pandora - living with my mum would be so much easier but she is in an over 55's property so we're not allowed to stay.
Think I would have gone years ago if I could've gone back to my mum. Hopefully my sister might be able to put me up and dd when she returns.
Think I can save enough to rent us a one bed flat in time.
Have only told my mum of my plans so am still not sure if he'll agree to sell the house. We can't afford the mortgage and I want it sold rather than be liable for half of it.
I sort of feel at ease knowing I'm getting out soon. He still doesn't have a clue. Why would he? He hasn't taken a blind bit of notice of me for years.
I must stop or this post could go on forever with my issues with him!
I'm 46 and been married 28 years.
28 bloody years!!

NotJanine Tue 11-Apr-17 10:03:56

How's things Pandora?

I'm having a really rough time. Found out some devastating things in the past couple of days. Hardly slept for 4 nights. I've not gone to work today

I had been getting ready to complete the consent order but I'm now not sure if I should get more legal advice. I don't really want to share it all publicly

NotJanine Tue 11-Apr-17 10:04:21

I mean I don't want to share the details here

PandoraMole Tue 11-Apr-17 12:03:28

I'm sorry you're having such a nightmare NJ - if you're having doubts definitely get more advice.

It's very hard going the solicitors route if you can do it amicably instead but there's no point settling and letting it wind you up later.

I'm hoping I may have found a solution to our situation although I think he will continue to be difficult.

Does anyone know - if you are awarded a portion of their pension, presumably you get that once they retire, rather than th having with surrender it at the time of divorce?

NotJanine Tue 11-Apr-17 13:56:40

We're going to be doing pension sharing, what it means is that an agreed percentage of their pension funds are transferred into a pension in your name. It's pretty much like transferring some savings across to another account.

With my query on the legal stuff, I don't know if I can just get advice from a single appointment or if they will insist on all the in-depth finance documents being completed etc.? One issue is that our financial situations now are different from when we actually separated and I don't know what the court look at. I was misled at the time of separation and I want to redress the balance in how things were split.

I'm also thinking I'd rather have a lump sum than monthly child maintenance. Does any one know if that's normal? My DCs are in their teens so I wouldn't be getting it for that much longer. I would rather have a complete clean break and nothing further from him.

PandoraMole Tue 11-Apr-17 14:17:49

I've been very much dissuaded from doing a clean break over maintenance.

The problem is, if you do that it can't easily be altered if circumstances change. If he were to win the lottery, or God forbid, one of the kids had an illness/accident and needed additional care which required funding, you could be up the proverbial gum tree.
Presumably you know your own finances - do you have any idea about his?

It may be that they can give you a rough idea of how to proceed and you can take it from there.

I've just looked at Guardian Soulmates. I signed up a few weeks ago purely out of curiosity - haven't actually subscribed. There's someone on there who seems...fascinating. But I don't think I have the confidence to pursue it and its not really a goer practically. Shame.

NotJanine Tue 11-Apr-17 14:32:41

Alternatively though, if he lost his job or got a lower paid one it wouldn't affect me. I know he would pay for his kids if anything serious happened, he's not that much of a bastard.

Ooh, fascinating man! Tell us more :-) I have chatted a bit with a few men on dating sites but not met with any. I don't want a relationship and I wouldn't want to mess anyone around. I wouldn't mind someone to just have a bit of a laugh with though. I don't mean a FWB just a friend

PandoraMole Tue 11-Apr-17 15:54:08

Well, he's in the same county as me, similar age, seems to also have just the one DD.

He just appealed to me from what he'd written about himself and we had a few things in common - something that was woefully lacking with Wasband.

However...I'm in no position to get into a relationship at the moment on pretty much any level and can do without any further complications in my life right now.

Wouldn't mind a FWB, but it would have to be someone I respected and could have a laugh with as well as sex, and that would probably be a slippery slope, so definitely no dating for me for a while yet.

Properjob Tue 11-Apr-17 16:13:47

Hello everyone welcome Frog...I hope your mother is as supportive and incisive as mine has been. 28 years for me too but I'm nearing 60. You have plenty of time left smile
We will be sharing pensions agree with NotJs advice...regarding maintenance I've been told that all over 18s are not dependent, even if at Uni, so can't be a factor in finance. Would have thought you definitely need solicitor to challenge financial agreement, which you can if been misled.
We are going for finance mediation after Easter.
NotJ our minds are boggling sincerely hope you can separate yourself from it and it's not directly affecting your loved ones. Your stbxh sounds like a nightmare hope you get away completely as soon as possible.
Pandora will the old thread be deleted then? Good, thanks.
Chin up everyone. We can get through this.flowers

Properjob Tue 11-Apr-17 16:15:53

Oh PS going on first Meet-up tonight, an app for all sorts of social activities, will let you know how it goes. I'm petrified!!!

TreeTop7 Tue 11-Apr-17 17:23:50

Facebook was mentioned on the other thread. I've deleted ex and all his family and friends. I don't want to see any pics of him and I don't want to know what he's up to.

I don't fancy seeing my friends' happy family Easter pictures on Facebook so I'm going to give it a miss until mid-week.

Re dating. I work and have plenty of friends but I've no idea how I'm going to meet someone. It's not like being in your 20s when you go to a club or a house party or whatever. I'm scared of being judged on internet dating sites, or of liking someone who doesn't like me, and I worry about offending interested men who don't appeal to me. Internet dating wasn't really around when I was last single (1998) and it seems like a mine field.

ANewDawn Tue 11-Apr-17 17:50:01

Hello everyone. I'm seriously struggling with my divorce and it's only just (officially) started. Here's what i posted in relationships. I'm in a boit of a mess atm. will post this and cut and paste the other stuff. Brain is fried.

ANewDawn Tue 11-Apr-17 17:50:46

still living together although seperated for nearly a fucking year. I so fucking hate him and feel sick.
He's put me off countless times, dragged things out and generally stuck his head in the sand. He thinks I'm a bully and I'm underhand.
I've finally had the divorce petition served on him and he's playing the 'poor me' stupid shit fuck bastard. I can't do anything becuase he's 'covered by the disability act' which i know is crap but i think he believes it. not sure what current diagnosois he has at the moment/is hiding behind.
So i don;t think he will be repsonding to the petition or engaging a solicitor yet because I've made him ill apparnetly. i fucking hate him. it's been nearly a fucking year and he still hasn't got a solicitor but I'm rushing him..
he's going to make me pay, isn;t he? Just for saying i want out. I can't believe he's making this so hard. It's fucking awful. I have to keep it together for the kids, who keep asking me what's happening. My 13 year old DD is confused by it all, but I stay neutral, not that he fucking deserves that. It's seriously damaging my health. I can;'t afford to move out, maybe that's what hes trying to make me do.
I'm at work and don;t want to go home but I just feel like sitting here and crying. It's the worst thing.

cookiemon666 Tue 11-Apr-17 20:51:35

Hi ladies, hope it is ok if I join the thread. MY stbxh moved out in August, he served the divorce petition in October. Because of a joint debt the marital home, now has to be sold. I have 4 children and have to find somewhere to rent for us. It is so crap, stbxh is living between his mum and his girlfriend and has it easy. His atttitude is that its not his responsibility and basically couldnt care less. Cant beleive I was married to him for 15 years without seeing him for who he really is....

TheTapir Tue 11-Apr-17 21:15:09

ANewDawn I'm sorry that you are struggling. Does disability actually make any difference in a divorce?

I had my first mediation meeting today with my ex who I've not seen or been in contact with, other than via solicitor, since November. He has put on a serious amount of weight whereas I have been spending my evenings at the gym and am about as fit and toned as I have ever been which was fairly satisfying.

The meeting itself was ok. I had to remind myself that it was only about our finances and not about telling him how badly he has behaved, still no apology of course. It was fairly business like and has already turned up a further £11k that he hadn't disclosed previously. The only real sticking point is to do with the sale of his business and is a bit complicated. His last offer was for me to receive 40% of our assets despite him earning significantly more than me - I don't think so! He has been told that unless he makes a more reasonable offer then we will be going to court.

We will now both get a summary of the meeting from the mediator along with a copy of the other person's bank statements. She's going to call each of us in a couple of weeks to see what the position is and if it is worth having another meeting.

It was better than I expected and I think our mediator is pretty good. I am very glad that it's over for now though.

In other news I've been on a few hikes now with a meet up group which have been really nice and have gotten me out of the house, usually for a full day, at the weekend. I am beginning to enjoy my new life, something I never thought I would say just a few months ago.

I still have some down moments but fewer now and keeping myself busy has definitely helped.

Properjob, I hope your meet up went well.

I blocked my ex and all of his ow from my fb page as soon as I found out. Some of my friends are still his friends at the moment though so they can keep tabs on him. He doesn't post much anyway but is still listed as being married!

CaptainM Tue 11-Apr-17 21:52:38

Hello everyone, my situation got mega-complicated and the family court is becoming home away from home. Stbxh is determined to fight over everything and a friend recently pointed out that I've had a date in court every month since Jan and continue to do so till August! Never imagined I'd be punished so much for ending the marriage. On a more positive note, I'm 3 months into living in new home (rented) and having my space is pure heaven ( after all those painful months of being stuck in same house as him)! DCs are doing really well and I'm enjoying window shopping on online dating sites. Do you ladies have your pictures on the sites?shock Not brave enough yet, but will get there. A step at a timewink

Properjob Wed 12-Apr-17 16:20:44

Hello all Captain, Dawn welcome (think I read you other post) and to Cookie, is there really no help from local authority for you? Sorry I realise this may be laughable in some areas. I still think it's the 1980s grin Is your solicitor pushing for financial support properly?
So Meet-up well....can't say too much as it was a specific social thing (not for singles!!), but I did go, there were people there and I quite enjoyed it. The app works well there is lots to do if I have time.
Our house goes on market next week..all of us sad this morning. Good to hear DCs doing well, though mine are young adult now...stbxh reminded me that DS is intending only to stay with him when he visits the area. That's upsetting.
Feeling at moment I spent decades working, being Mum and wife, being as patient as I could be, provided lovely food and activities, put up with many difficulties etc and now had it thrown back in my face. Not too happy about that!
Hopefully will stop feeling sorry myself soon. House hunting!!
Hope you all have some good times over the weekend.

ANewDawn Wed 12-Apr-17 16:57:05

I've not tried LA as I really don;t think I'd get anywhere. I'm not entitled to tax credits. I'm in the bit between not earning enough and earning too much iyswim. So for private renting, gulp, I'd have to find a guarentor. Christ my brain is so addled i can;t think how to splell things.. shit

Does anyone have experience of how mediating goes. Sol said we should give it a shot but she's not hopeful bearing in mind his behaviour so far. What sort of things do they assess before they say it's ok to try mediating?

I am so sorry for all the posters that have been dragged through the courts. It's horrendous. I'm hoping against hope it doesn;t go that way for me. I shall bash on regardless. On a positive note, he did sayhe was going to see a soliciotr tomorrow. That's the first step he's taken, unless he flakes out and says it's too much.

TheTapir Wed 12-Apr-17 17:29:53

ANewDawn, you both decide if you want to try mediation, not anyone else and it is voluntary. I was the one to start the process. I called and made an initial appointment for myself and they then contacted my ex to see if he would also attend an initial meeting, separately to mine. At that first meeting they described how the process works and went through what lead to me to the point of seeking mediation also we went through our finances and where we were getting stuck.

My solicitor and I were both convinced that my ex wouldn't engage with mediation but you have to get a certificate to show that one of you at least was willing to try it before you can start the court process. I was totally surprised when he actually agreed to try it, however it has made me suspicious of how keen he is to avoid court, given that he's been refusing to disclose any financial information since November. Mediation only requires 3 month's bank statements etc whereas court would require 12 month's worth.

Others haven't found mediation helpful but I am cautiously hopeful that we might get somewhere and my mediator seems much more,switched on than others.

Startoftheyear2017 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:31:55

Hi all, can I join? I've found other threads really helpful. We're now discussing how we tell the DC. There are 4 and they range from 8 years to 18 years. I'd welcome advice from you about what (and how) to tell them. Friends IRL have advised to say very little about why we are divorcing. I feel cross as it's not my choice and not initiated by me. But I recognise the need to avoid creating conflict. I want them to have a good relationship with him over time.

Hermonie2016 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:35:17

Welcome to Knitted & Cookie, so sorry you are on this journey as well.

Does anyone else sometimes still feel that it can't quite be happening? I.E this is my life now? I guess it's the grief cycle of denial.My dc will be away with ex for an extended holiday and it just hits me how sad that will be for them.They want nothing more than to have both parents.Its also costing so much to separate/divorce and this is money that could have been spent on our dcs.Ex was EA so I know I had to make the break as his behaviour became intolerable/scary.

Sorry for self indulgence just feeling a bit low, PMS not helping!

I have also signed up to meet up, haven't managed to get a date that works for me but it looks very good.I have also looked at OLD but definitely not ready for that yet.

I worry that my radar is not good enough..ex would appear such a catch on OLD and I wish we had ways of identifying the bad guys!

Forwardsforwards Wed 12-Apr-17 17:44:39

Hi all... separated 19.5 months....not that I am counting.....

Seeing sol in a couple of weeks, for first time. So far its relatively amicable however I think there are too many blurred lines. I'd rather things were clearer. He's a shit listener which only serves to compound my frustration.

We're aiming for the 2-year separation, no fault divorce.

He's bloody lucky.

Properjob Wed 12-Apr-17 18:23:19

Sorry to get you mixed up with Cookie, NewSmen...and Forward, what great positive handles! I should name change...we are starting mediation after Easter hopefully. In theory should be straightforward, you use a modified Form E. Bit both of us paying for solicitor to check, that will cost...Hermione agree totally with you, what a waste of all our time and money. We should have been happy now...
Agree with advice about shielding reasons for divorce. Don't do what stbxh did and blurt it out while drunk, to 18 yr old DD who then had to wait for months before he told me....also have had to answer questions as frankly but calmly as possible to DS who's 25 and has been badly affected because I think, he always said we should divorce, he bore the worst of the rows, years ago. Be prepared to be blamed more than stbxh because as I pointed out to DS , it's Mum that was there, right?

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