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How do u cope with yhe betrayal?

(7 Posts)
dakota55 Mon 10-Apr-17 18:28:24

My dh told me at xmas he wasnt happy & didnt love me anymore. He then moved out end feb. Massive shock...completely unreal. We have 2 & 4 year old. He said nobody else was involved but he had a gf the next week. ive since found out that shes a work colleague and has also left her dh. I just cannot get over the lies & betrayal from my best friend? What the actual fuck??

Hermonie2016 Mon 10-Apr-17 19:11:12

The shock will wear off and you will feel anger.Its seems to be so common, have a look at the relationship board as it's full of similar stories.

The grass often looks greener but mostly it isn't!
I think relationships that start as affairs don't bode well for the future as it's built on lies.

So you have family support?

dakota55 Mon 10-Apr-17 21:58:25

Yeah im lucky really...good friends & family. I just wish i could understand it all i suppose. It makes me feel like i shouldnt be amicable...even friendly because of how he treated me but its just easier to get along grrr! thank u

Charliepeace83 Tue 11-Apr-17 19:01:45

Hello, So sorry to hear you're going through this crap. sad my ex walked out in January and blamed me.....I now found out he's pursuing and was pursuing his ex the whole time.
I can't understand, I've lost sleep over this, cried endlessly, tried to convince him he's making a mistake..... The one thing I wanted was answers. HOWEVER someone who behaves in such a irresponsible, unkind way cannot and will not provide answers. They're too wrapped up in themselves. I wanted an apology, I wanted remorse....both of which I'll never get, I'll never get answers either but when you stop thinking and engaging with it it'll be liberating. It doesn't happen straight away, it tales time but try to stop the habit. His behaviour is a reflection of him, not you. He will live with guilt and embarrassment even if you never get what you need from him. Good luck x

dakota55 Wed 12-Apr-17 18:53:20

Awww thats really kind of u to respond and that makes a lot of sense! U are completely right i would just like to be able to think he does feel bad about everything hes done. Ive started divorce proceedings today so am feeling a little chuffed with myself lol. Thank u xx

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 12-Apr-17 18:54:51

Just remember when he got in a relationship with her a vacancy for the ow became available. .

Charliepeace83 Thu 13-Apr-17 09:55:51

Good luck dakota55 and well done for being proactive and starting divorce proceedings. It's going to hurt like hell and there will be ups and downs but I guarantee in a years time you'll look back and feel proud of rising above it and moving on.
Try to stop wanting remorse or a sorry from him, at the moment he is so selfish he will only be thinking of himself....deep down he'll know what he's done and he now has the rest of his life to live with that.

I hate to gender stereotype but I do believe, on the whole, men and women react and behave in different ways in break ups etc....
women want answers, closure, apologies so they can forgive and this helps us in healing and move on. Instinctively we know this will help us get over the break up. We talk to friends, we look for solidarity and comfort in others. Don't put your high expectations on to your ex, you'll only be left disappointed. If you had hurt him you would apologies....he is too selfish right now.

Men block it out, block you, rebound and 'move on' quickly never engaging in what has happened and what they have done. The most unhealthy thing is to pretend it isn't there .....so months down the line when he is alone, sitting in his underwear in a crappy bedsit it'll then hit him at how selfish, immature and hurtful he has been. He will crack up and you'll possibly never see it and he'll probably never apologize but he will come off much worse in the long run.

Currently my ex is pursuing an old flame he met 7 years ago for 2 days (yep! how insulting).....I'm devastated BUT what sane, balanced individual does this? well they don't so just like your ex their behaviors is devastating but also embarrassing and a clear indication they are as mess. ....when people are a mess they don't apologies or think of others. I do know that deep down, one day the past will catch up and he'll finally admit to himself he was a d**k.

I've realized you've got to get to the point where you A. pity him and B. can forgive him. When you truly forgive and don't feel anything for him that is when you have healed. However I am not there yet, I still want to gauge out this girls eyes ;) but pity and forgiveness are powerful tools in moving on from someone who devastated you. If you can do this (it may take months, a few years) then you are truly free, liberated and stronger for it.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You're not alone but you will come out of this being so much stronger than a silly , immature, mid-life crisis d**k smile

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