Should I end this marriage?(10 Posts)
I'm in a bit of a panic, and almost don't know where to begin.
I've been married since 2012, and we've been together since 2000. We have a son, he's just turned 2
I love her but I'm no longer in love with my wife. I could probably only list a couple of things I find bad about her or the relationship I'm being honest! she's a great girl and I still care for her. She is an amazing mother of my son. But I'm no longer happy. I've spent months trying to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it, or at least get it better. And I'm out of ideas.
I think it boils down to us getting together too early, and me never really living a life apart to find out what I really wanted. So this blog is part cathartic and part looking for advice. I've decided I'm going to give things a few months, maybe this is just an early midlife crisis and in a month or so I’ll look back and feel stupid for even writing this.
Having said that, I feel things are coming to a head, as I'm no longer able to really 'fake it' and it's becoming obvious to her that I'm mentally somewhat checked out. We're going to have the talk eventually and I just know that I'm going to do whatever to appease her and avoid the messy confrontation.
I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I end it or should I just devote myself to making the best out of this situation? I kind of feel like separation is inevitable. Is it better to move on now while we still have some hope of working together for the best interests of our son?
Another thing that makes it so hard is I know she'll fight tooth and nail to keep me….. I think it would be easier if I knew she hated or disliked me or something. But she doesn't. She's also sacrificed a lot for us to get where we are. So really part of why I haven't done anything yet is guilt. But surely guilt's not a good reason to stay in a relationship?
I also am afraid of the logistics, telling friends and family, and where do I go what about money and our son's daycare/preschool, etc.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Yes, lots of people have been in your shoes. Thousands if not millions. If you're having doubts about your marriage you can't quite vocalise but like each other and have dc then an honest conversation followed by counselling is the grown up action.
You're setting up the choices as leave if suffer silently in a loveless relationship but there is a third option involving honesty and hard work. This is what people mean when they talk about marriage being hard work.
If it doesn't work out once you've really given it your best that's fair enough but just springing a decision on your wife without ever trying is pretty poor.
Would you be happier being separated do you think? You say she's a great person and wonderful mum. If you lived without her, would you still feel unhappy or would you feel better?
Are you generally unhappy right now? Have you considered counselling? You say it might be a mid life crisis - it might be worth investigating this before you might a decision.
You won't be able to live a lie - it'll be unsustainable.
Thanks for the replies so far, all very valid points. Ultimately I don't know if I'll be happier being separated. The stress of even thinking about it hurts. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts.
Maybe a temporary separation could tell whether you would miss her and want her back or be better off without her. I know it sounds weird and she might not agree to it, but it's one way to find out what the next step should be. And I think it's better than being stuck in a limbo.
Like pps have said, have you considered counselling, to work logically through your anxieties and thought processes?
You will have to talk to your wife about this at some point and delaying this probably won't make things better.
Do you have feelings for someone else?
Can you envisage things getting better in your marriage or do you know in your heart it's over?
I know several people going through divorce at the moment. Regardless of the circumstances, they all say that what hurt them the most was that they could tell that their OH was unhappy but s/he didn't care enough or wasn't brave enough to address the problems in their marriage.
I don't think you should feel guilty now, although I understand why you do. But try to act in a way that you will be proud of long term.
The kindest thing to do would be to let her know how you're feeling. And yes she probably would want to fight for her marriage and her family. No sensible person splits their child's family apart without trying to find out whether it could be avoided.
Think very carefully about whether the grass really would be greener. Maybe it will. But think about the financial situation - how much will you be contributing to your son's upbringing every week? Where will you live? Where will they live? How often will you want to see him? How will you feel when your son gets a stepdad who becomes part of his life? (An awful lot of 'I wish I was free' centres around fantasies of what you will do, with everyone else held in suspended animation. An acquiantance of mine who walked out on his family for what he thought was a better offer had a near breakdown when his ex moved on.)
If you feel stuck and like you want to do other things, well your ds won't just vanish. Presumably you aren't trying to run away from him? How about trying out some new things while you still have a loving and supportive wife who is not going to tell you "No, you can't go skydiving on Saturday, because that's your time to have him."
Whatever you do - your first step should be to get your head out of the sand and think through the logistics.
I am in exactly the same situation. I have been married 13yrs but I'm no longer in love with my husband nor do I fancy him anymore. We have two young children. I have been wanting to leave for a couple of years but scared of being a single parent and the money side of things, well lack of it as it would be!! Was also scared how I would tell him if I did leave.
However my husband recently had a one night stand, I thought this would be the kick up the back side I needed to end the marriage, but I'm still so worried about going, where we would go? I'm wondering if it's better to stay with him just for the security and be unhappy!
Thanks for all your input. I have decided I'm going to bring it up and put my cards on the table. Life it too short to be unhappy. If we / I can get some help externally to help our relationship then that would be fantastic. If it turns out we have simply grown apart and it's better to split then as long as we are both happy and our Son is loved and cared for then I can sleep easy. As for the question about have I had my head turned... absolutely not..... I couldn't cheat on her. Again thanks for all your responses.
You could also find someone to talk it over with first, a family member or a counsellor to decide what to do. Your child is only 2. It is very hard for both of you with a small child and you might want a second so may be have the second and wait until the youngest is 5 and at school and then reassess the situation?
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