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Need some advice on how to help the kids deal with our separation please

(3 Posts)
Sammyhb Wed 29-Mar-17 21:43:30

STBXH left in June, he lives at his office now and can't have the children overnight there (they are two boys aged 8 and 6). So they stay in the family home with me and he sees them here. He has a 26 year old girlfriend who he works with, the kids don't know she is his girlfriend although she helps them with their homework apparently.

Trying to keep things light and tension free when the kids are around is slowly killing me. He cheated on me more than once and didn't confess, was found out. I have had to serve him divorce papers as he refused to sign the first set. We have been to court so I can get an idea of his financial position (he has seven businesses and five bank accounts, which I didn't know about). Mediation was a farce, he gave nothing away.

With all this in the background he has been seeing the kids Monday and Tuesday after school until bedtime, Saturday mornings until lunchtime and Sunday afternoons. Since he left he has taken them to see his family to stay overnight for five nights in total. He either takes them to his office or he stays here with them and I go out (which is costly and stressful).

So I'm not getting much of a break or time to just relax in the house. He says in his divorce papers he does 50% of the childcare, clearly that isn't the case. Recently he has stayed over at the family home if I go out (maybe once a month for the last two months for e.g work do or friends birthday). Initially I was adamant that I would not let him stay over here but my family is miles away and it's the only chance I get to go out.

Kids have been dealing with it pretty well up til now but just recently have been getting tearful.

I can't figure out what to do for the best. He has no incentive to get his own place while he can see them here but I think it is really messing their heads up that he is coming back here. I am on edge a lot of the time as I don't feel I have any privacy in my own home. He has a key and uses it when I am not here (when I am here he will knock and wait to be let in).

We are going back to court in June to thrash out the finances and my hope is that I am given the house (as it is a "modest family home" according to my solicitor) and he has other properties. Then I can buy a new place of my own that he won't be able to come in to.

I'm running out of energy and patience, I'm doing my best to keep a front on for the kids but occasionally like today it cracks. As far as they are concerned their dad doesn't live with us and they wish he did. I do sometimes say to them that it was his choice to go but I haven't told them he cheated on me, they are way too young for that. They don't get tearful in front of their dad or ask him difficult questions because "he might get angry", so I bear the brunt. This is the second Wednesday night in a row they have both been in floods of tears about daft things because they let it all out when they see me. I don't know how to help them. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated, today I really feel like I'm doing a shit job looking after their emotional welfare....

JonesyAndTheSalad Thu 30-Mar-17 13:27:35

Change the locks. Tell him that arrangement is done with now. The boys WILL adjust if you're matter of fact about it.

He can take them out and about or to his office or family still.

I agree it's probably confusing for them. Especially him staying over.

You're not doing a shit job at all. You've put up with this idiot for all this time, coming into YOUR space for your children's sake.

That's over now OP...

Hermonie2016 Thu 30-Mar-17 18:02:46

This arrangement isn't working for anyone but him so I would stop it.

You can only be amicable if he was being reasonable and fair over finances.He has chosen to drag it out (same with my ex) and you have been more than obliging.

Where is his incentive to get a place? Often we feel so sad for our children we try to keep some normality but it not actually in their interests.Let him learn how to be a real dad in his own place.If he doesn't put the children first that is his choice and you cannot blame yourself.

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