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Narc stbxh advice needed...

(15 Posts)
Summerb Mon 27-Mar-17 10:37:38

Me and my ex husband were together for 13 years, ea relationship and with the help of my best friend I finally got the courage to leave him last year. We've got three kids together and he's got regular contact with them. I try and make sure they haven't been witness to any arguments so they aren't aware of just how horrid he was to me. We get on ok, we can be civil when we talk etc. So it was my birthday and Mother's Day within the last few days, he didn't arrange anything for the kids to give me, which is shit but usual behaviour from him. How do I deal with this when it gets to his birthday and Father's Day? Every inch of me wants to get him nothing from the kids or remind them that it's his birthday or fathers day but if I'm honest I feel like it's only the kids who end up getting hurt by that. Do I stoop to his level or do I take the high road and be the nicer person for the sake of the kids?

ZiggyForever Mon 27-Mar-17 10:49:39

It must be tempting to ignore the occasions, but I reckon you'll feel better (and stronger) if you do the right thing. You'll be a good role model for the kids too.

There's something quite empowering about rising above bad behaviour and being the better person in a situation like this, I reckon.

Summerb Mon 27-Mar-17 11:01:40

Thanks, thats what I'm thinking too. Best friend hates him and is obviously get him nothing, he deserves nothing but mothering instinct tells me to do the right things and show the kids the right thing to do. So confusing confused xx

donners312 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:13:39

Why do you think teaching your children to treat people well, when they have shit on you, is the right thing to do?

Summerb Mon 27-Mar-17 11:16:23

They have no idea he treated me like shit though? X

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:19:39

In situations like yours I always wonder if it's fair to dc to allow df his place on a pedestal when he is actually a twat. .
Is that not lying by omission and giving them a false role model? How will they feel as an adult when admiration turns to disgust when they see df for what he is.? Not aimed at op just in general. .

ZiggyForever Mon 27-Mar-17 11:37:57

Yeah, I take your point . . . but I do think it's better for OP to be dignified and the better person in this scenario, as the kids don't know any better. When they're older they'll likely find out for themselves what kind of person he is, and respect their mum for being strong and fair in spite of it all.

And obviously don't put any thought, consideration or real effort into the gifts - just tokens/the bare minimum!

NotJanine Mon 27-Mar-17 12:37:02

How old are your kids?

xStefx Mon 27-Mar-17 12:39:13

do you speak to his family? Can you ask one of his family to pick up his birthday and fathers day on the kids behalf so you don't have to?

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 27-Mar-17 12:44:26

This is where crafts come in to play!

The kids make a card and/or gift.

If it's spectacularly shite you can enjoy the feeling of them handing it over and him not saying anything as it was "made with love".

If he dared say anything he'd be belittling his own children and some kind of utter monster, wouldn't he?

Plus you can polish your halo and rise above him for acknowledging the date with zero outlay.

I think an identity bracelet made from pasta tubes sprayed gold and threaded through elastic would be an absolute joy to behold! wink

Starlight2345 Mon 27-Mar-17 12:46:08

I think it depends on the age of the children..Younger ones I would encourage them to make their own cards and ignore the present aspect.

Older I would ask what they want to do..

My Ex who we now have no contact since my DS was 3 used to give us £5 a week Maintenance , he gave me a car of chocolate from my DS ( I mean a standard bar not a big slab) I bought him a book for 29p from Homebargains the last christmas we saw him.I needed the money for my ds.

I also just want to add..You are right your arguments are between your ex and you however do remember protecting them and not lying to them are not the same.

You don't have to cover for him.

WatchingFromTheWings Mon 27-Mar-17 12:51:09

How do I deal with this when it gets to his birthday and Father's Day

Don't sink to his level. Your kids WILL notice it one day and thank you for it.

I agree with what pp said about crafts!! Homemade cards. Decorate box frames full of shite memories. Home baked cakes/biscuits. They'll remember time spent with you crafting and I'm sure their dad will appreciate it through gritted teeth.

Summerb Mon 27-Mar-17 15:11:09

Ladies you are brilliant! @Ineedmorelemonpledge the pasta bracelet sounds amazing! Love that idea gringrin

The kids are 11,9 & 7. I'm not covering for him as much as I used to, I guess the longer I'm away from him the more Ill feel comfortable telling the kids how shit he is. Right now I'm just saying things like oh that was a bit rubbish your dad didn't take you shopping for mothers days wasn't it. Sowing the seed and letting them think on it x

Hermonie2016 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:38:34

I would ask the children what they want to do .The 11 year old can help the others.

I think reminding them is fair enough.

Starlight2345 Mon 27-Mar-17 18:41:20

You don't need to plant the seeds..If they say nothing about mothers day say nothing. If they say Dad would't take them. You can say shame but I know that you love me. Its about not covering for there Dad but letting them work it out for themselves

Planting seeds is of no benefit foe the children. If they come home from dads and say Your mum is nothing but a layabout.Your response is not say nothing but simply yes , like I have time to slob on the sofa all day. You have a right to defend yourself . /support your childrens opinions but not give them your opinions on their Dad.

With my Ex I could always say I held the high moral high ground , that is a really nice place to be.

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