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Any positive 'a year ago' stories to share?

(50 Posts)
Nikitasol Wed 22-Mar-17 22:33:08

Needing some upbeat - it'll be alright stories after a big break up. After 6 years and one DC, my partner and I have split up. He's moving out on Monday. It's not salvageable though we can be respectfully civil to each other most of the time so on that note, that's a major bonus. However, the break up is going to leave me beyond broke and financially panicky (he's a teacher so it's going to be tight all round), found out I was losing my main freelance 'bread and butter' job the other week with almost no notice due to funding cuts various other shifty things recently. I need it after the day I've had today too - epic tantrums (not mine), dose of worms from nursery, gammy twisted knee and didn't get job I thought I was a shoe in for it went to interview for last week (they only just told me). Just starting to feel like this is it.. I've given up a regular income to become a mum whilst my ex's life hasn't changed all that much, money's always going to be a worry and the possibility of meeting someone else in my mid 40s seems unlikely. Feeling negative and scared about the future. If you have any positive tales of moving on and moving forward and thinking a year ago you were in a miserable situation, please share! Could really do with some positive outcomes right now!

Nikitasol Wed 22-Mar-17 22:37:56

Or should that read 'a year from now' stories?! Basically I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok! Is it? Sigh *

JohnnyMarr Thu 23-Mar-17 06:55:12

No positive story to share unfortunately but I find myself in a similar predicament to you - H of 17 years walked out on DC and I at the end of January and has just filed for divorce. My vision of the future basically comprises being destitute and on my lonesome for the next thirty odd years.

Would you mind if I lurk here with you in the hope of hearing some stories with happy endings to illustrate that in reality my dotage might be at least slightly less dire?!

flowers for you. It sucks.

Suzietwo Thu 23-Mar-17 06:59:22

I'm a divorce solicitor. I saw three new female clients yesterday. I know tthat within a year they will all be new people. Stronger, independent and happy. I like being part of their journey

Nikitasol Thu 23-Mar-17 07:45:00

Happy to share JohnnyMarr. Let's hope things improve for us both eh xx

Nikitasol Thu 23-Mar-17 07:45:41

Thanks Susietwo good to hear from a professional side of things

Isadora2007 Thu 23-Mar-17 08:26:07

One year post separation we actually separated officially as I found out he was actually living with another woman and had been since 4 months post leaving.

Two years post Separation I got our divorce finalised in order to get married to DH

3 years on I was a blissfully happy newlywed... our two kids love their stepdad and were getting regular contact with exH.

4 years on I was pregnant with dd (7now) and delighted as I hadn't ever expected to have any more children...

I could go on but you get the picture. Yes my marriage ending was a devastating blow...it wasn't what I had wanted for myself or our children. But our lives are so so so much better now and I have not even the slightest regret now that he left.

Much love to you all. The early days are bad and I recommend cuddles with your kids and box sets of crap tv to get through the long nights.

Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 11:29:47

Posting to be a lurker too. Looking for hope and inspiration. Xx

Hermonie2016 Thu 23-Mar-17 16:36:30

Lovely idea for a thread.

I received a card that said "When it seems like things are really falling apart, They are just falling into place".

I keep thinking of that quote.

Nikitasol Thu 23-Mar-17 17:19:00

Thanks Isadora2007 I am so glad you're happy and take real comfort from that. I've really lost my mojo so it's great to hear hopefully that's it's not gone for good.

Nikitasol Thu 23-Mar-17 17:20:12

Hermione2016 love the quote.

I feel shit scared for the future but much happier in a weird sort of way for making the break so fingers crossed your card is right!

JaffaCakesMum Thu 23-Mar-17 18:22:25

I don't want to drag anyone down but I'm almost 9 months into this and I'm struggling, I guess things get worse before they get better.

Hermonie, a friend said to me 'the bigger the storm, the brighter the rainbow'. I like that one.

Isadora2007 Thu 23-Mar-17 18:50:19

My friend put a card through the door just after I told her about my exH leaving. It had the quote from Winnie the Pooh-
"you're stronger than you seem, braver than you believe and smarter than you know"

And I also tried to live by the Shakespeare ideal-
"To thine own self be True"

It helped me to not seek petty revenge or to bitch about stuff.

The first year was hardest for sure. Kids were 5 and 8 so even dealing with their confusion and hurt was tough alongside mine. And we were kind of trying to consider trying again once he "sort his head out" (read- screw and move in with another woman!) so it felt very surreal at times.

Electrolux2 Thu 23-Mar-17 18:54:27

A year ago I thought my life was pretty much over.

Almost exactly to the day,tomorrow I start my new life with a new house. Escaping very abusive man that I didn't realise was abusive ( thought it was me, and thought I was going mad)

It's like happiness times a million and I never thought I would feel like this. I'm poor as a church mouse and have lost most material things but I don't care. The children are much much much happier too.
Best of luck.

Nikitasol Thu 23-Mar-17 19:35:31

Thanks. I'm sure it's going to be tough for a big chunk of time. Especially financially. But not sobbing 5 days out of 7 any more has to be the first step in the right direction I'm hoping.

dilapidated Thu 23-Mar-17 21:00:37

I am approx 2 years from separation from my emotionally and financially abusive liar of an exh.

I am now having a baby with lovely DP who makes me feel stronger and more confident every day and am happy for the first time in a long time

Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 21:12:02

These positive stories are lovely. But I keep thinking - I had 18 years of loveliness until he started with OW in the last year. How do you get past the worry that it won't happen again? How do you trust again? I'd have never thought my H would've done this you see. Ever. X

StartWhereYouStand Thu 23-Mar-17 23:26:59

You will get there OP.

I am 4 years on from the classic script 'I don't love you' (guess he didn't want to say he had been screwing OW for 18 months). I recently found my journal from the time when he told me he wanted to leave but he was still 'deciding' - in it I say repeatedly that I do not know how I will survive on my own, how I will be lonely forever and how I will be a crazy cat lady being a burden on my kids grin I was about to turn 40 and everything seemed impossible as my well-planned life imploded.

Well It's been tough but I am now a happier, stronger, more chilled out person. My kids are brilliant - they have their moments but we are all doing ok.
And I even have a new DP who is amazing.

I read something that said to start to feel better it takes as many months as you had years in your relationship and that was sort of true for me. 18 years with exH and it took 18 months after he left before I actually felt positive about the future again.
First 6 months were a blur of adrenaline fuelled practicalities of filing for divorce and getting finances and kids etc sorted.
Then was a big downward spiral when I actually started to face what had happened - the next 6 months wrre very hard but with counselling (& taking up running) I hauled myself back into real life. The next half a year was adjusting to the new normal and finally looking forward to stuff.

I am now 4 years on and I can't say I don't get annoyed about my situation as financially I am less well off than I would have been, but money isn't everything. I have recently got a new job which I totally love and which I know the 'old me' wouldn't have had the confidence or gung ho attitude to even apply for. The inner strength that going through tough times gives you cannot be underestimated!

So to anyone out there - it gets better. You learn to love yourself and work out what really matters.
Being a lone parent is a hard, thankless task but you will be amazing and your kids will know you are their constant. Surround yourself with as much love and support as possible right now and I am sure you will be writing a post like this in a few years time!!

Nikitasol Fri 24-Mar-17 09:06:49

Thanks so much Startwhereyou stand that's so helpful. Maybe I should keep a diary to remind myself in the future. I probably should have done in the relationship but went back through old fb messages with friends over last couple of years where I talked about how desperately unhappy I was and even though my ex hasn't moved out yet (Monday!) I'm already feeling better in myself this week than any time since about 2014 so things must be on the up already.

Financially though I'm on my own from 1st April so I guess that's what I'm bricking myself about the most.

Minime85 Fri 24-Mar-17 17:43:06

Hi op, after 13yrs together, I remember finding that getting over the first of everything felt so important. Like firsts birthdays of dcs, of mine, Christmas etc. I found that made it easier. I knew it was going wrong and exh wouldn't work to save it. I am now 3.5 yrs down the line. I have a new house, mortgage on my own, I have challenged myself to do internet dating and go new places and out of my comfort zone. I have a lovely DP. It is hard to trust and wonder will it last. I try and enjoy everything more and not plan so far ahead. Doesn't mean we don't but I find that helps. The home me and dcs and dp live in is a happy one with no arguing and battling like it was before. Dcs have good relationship with their dad. We co parent well I think. Whilst I'll never get over the break up of my family unit and he lives I thought my kids would have, and I'm honest about that, I am over him. I'm over the difficult times and working out whether his new dp was the ow. It will happen Op. you will come out the other side.

Summerb Mon 27-Mar-17 10:44:22

I'm 6 months in and I can honestly say I'm so much happier. My life has been turned upside down recently, my dad died, then I left my husband (dads death was the wake up call I needed) then a month after I moved me and our three kids into our first home together I get made redundant. A week after being made redundant a close family member got diagnosed with cancer confusedconfused. To say it's been a testing year is probably an understatement but most mornings I wake up with a smile on my face, knowing that I'm happier being on my own. This time next year you won't even recognise yourself and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner xx

Nikitasol Mon 27-Mar-17 22:27:02

Oh god thanks @summerb Feeling so weird! it's my first night in the house on my own without ex DP. Lots of empty spaces on the walls where pictures are missing and I can't work out why the Internet isn't working properly. Hoping it feels normal soon.

NameNotANumber Mon 27-Mar-17 22:43:59

18 months on and the DC and I are far happier than ever - both say as much on a regular basis. Not been easy financially and having to sell the kids only home they have ever known, but the future is rosy.

My quote isn't as inspirational or eloquent as others - 'when you are going through shit, just keep going' grin but it is true

AmyMum2mumStoke Mon 27-Mar-17 23:51:15

Nice idea for a thread! I'm 7 months in...though my life was over as together for 16 years since school but now I'm better off in every way! He's the one suffering, no money, got to stay on the mortgage and filed for a divorce he can't afford. He's now acting very sheepish and wants to spend time with me and my son again, erm, don't think so!

Nikitasol Thu 30-Mar-17 00:24:24

It's day 3 in the house.... he came back to look after DC this eve so I could go out. I came home. We had a row. At least I've got the whole bed to myself now though. And no snoring!

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