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Be reasonable and keep things amicable even if it means I'll be losing out?

(12 Posts)
CarrieMayBe Sat 18-Mar-17 12:11:30

Now starting divorce process with STBEXH, am facing quite a dilemma.

To cut a very long story short (and reduce chances of me being outed) I have the option to do as my solicitor is advising me which will mean plunging Ex into a fair amount of financial difficulty in the short term - but will enable me to be more financially secure for the future - or, be reasonable and nice but I will come out of this worse off and potentially risk him screwing me over.l on top of that.

Which would you do? Difficult to answer without the full details I appreciate but they would be extremely identifying. I feel that going with the option that is in my benefit would be going against everything we agreed during our marriage. However, on the other hand, we are divorcing due to his adultery so I don't feel I really owe him any favours as such

It will make things very difficult between us if I go for this option, but we can't stand to be around each other anyway.

I need to decide quite quickly, as in next few days so any advice would be appreciated! It just feels wrong, as though it goes against all my moral standing. However, I have been a SAHM for our whole (very long, 4 DCs) marriage so am in a very precarious position with regards to my future security.

OP’s posts: |
MrsBertBibby Sat 18-Mar-17 13:18:34

Listen to your solicitor. It's what you're paying them for.

switchitoff Sat 18-Mar-17 13:28:29

How old are your DCs? If they are still young and consequently STBXH is going to be involved in your lives for many years to come, I would (and did) take the more amicable route. If you're going to be reliant on this man paying child maintenance for years to come / agreeing holiday times / ferrying the DCs back and forth between your respective house etc, then not taking the maximum money right now, might be the better option long-term if it smooths the relationship going forward.

If the DCs are grown-up and you are just agreeing a fair split of assets and then will never have to deal with him again - take your solicitor's advice and go for the big guns.

MrsBertBibby Sat 18-Mar-17 13:58:14

If a man is going to be a dick over child arrangements, beggaring yourself to placate him won't stop him. If anything it will make him worse.

QuarterMileAtATime Sat 18-Mar-17 14:55:26

I have done an awful lot that I didn't need to do in order to keep things civil. My exH still behaves as if I am an awful person because the reality doesn't fit his narrative and serve his pity party. He was also the 'guilty' party, so he desperately tries to find fault so he doesn't have to face up to what he has done. So just keep in mind that he may not be amicable regardless of what you do next.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 18-Mar-17 14:57:44

Don't put yourself in a weak financial position. Take your solicitors advice. He might be a pita regardless of what you do now.

QuarterMileAtATime Sat 18-Mar-17 15:00:31

It's the bit about the risk of him screwing you over that affects my view too. I would always say reasonable is the correct way, but you also need to cover yourself. Is there no inbetween? I.e. You go for what your solicitor advises but rather than plunge your ex into financial difficulty, you help him out once the risk has gone? If that makes sense in your circumstances.

TreeTop7 Sat 18-Mar-17 15:02:44

I definitely think that you should seriously consider what your solicitor has advised.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 18-Mar-17 15:04:29

Consider what your solicitor is advising however of it would completely disadvantage your stbxh a judge mat very well reject the consent order.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 18-Mar-17 15:04:39


Xocaraic Sat 18-Mar-17 15:08:59

Your solicitor is working in your interest and has likely seen this many times. I would counsel you to take great heed to what you are being advised.
You STBEXH will dislike you regardless but you can't put yourself in jeopardy financially now as it will impact you in the long term.
The court will look at the arguments for both sides and if your request is unreasonable the court will adapt the solution to be more equitable.

Pumpkintopf Sat 18-Mar-17 15:20:08

Definitely make yourself financially secure. As others have said you don't know how this guy will behave in the future (or if he gets a new partner/has more kids) so defend your/your DC's position.

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